Coming out to strangers and great boobie news

out to strangers is really bizarre. It's completely different to telling someone you know, yet it still feels just as hard. I've been lucky here in England because i've known most of them since more or less the time when J and i got together, or else they didn't know me well enough to know whether i was gay or not so it was easy for me to tell them. It wasn't as easy to tell people back home, but i was quietly confident/hopeful that that would be ok with it.

It seems coming out to strangers is the hardest of the three. I still find myself calling J my friend, even though we've been together for almost 18 months. I really have to push the words 'my girlfriend' out of my mouth. Hardly anyone at the school where I work knows about J and today i mentioned her in a conversation and said 'my friend' and then finally, at the end of the conversation, mentioned 'my girlfriend'. I think it's probably subconsciously feeling that they will judge me, as well as the fact that i haven't been out very long, it's all very confusing.

I also find telling men is much easier than telling women. Again, i think maybe it's because i subconsciously worry that a woman might feel awkward around me if they knew i was gay. Why, i do not know. I've never really thought about it until today. Has anyone else ever thought about it? One of the strangest thing was putting J down as my next of kin on my hospital forms, seeing as she's the only family i have here.

Oh, and i finally have a date for my breast reduction surgery, it's going to take place on 7th June! I have a pre-op assessment next Wednesday. Keep an eye out because i'm going to start a different blog about it, mainly because i've read other people's blogs about their experiences and they played a big part in my decision as to whether or not to actually have the surgery. Yay!

Happiness and progress. And lots more happiness.

Wow i haven't anything in quite a while. I haven't really had anything much going on, my mum and i went to Sicily and obviously i didn't pluck up the courage to come out to her, or at least tell her about J. It was really nice though, especially spending a week alone with my mum just before i left, it kind of helped me feel less guilty about leaving home. So we went to Sicily and we ate lots of good food, drank lots of good wine and met lots of pervy Italian men. My mum is almost 45 and she looks really good for her age, she's half my size and has a beautiful face (thats where i got it from hahaaa), so everywhere we went these pervy Sicilians followed us around and stared at us really unashamedly. It got rather annoying.

I really really wanted to tell her about J before i came back to Derby (which i did on Monday) and on Sunday night i finally did it. She actually knows, its amazing, it just makes our relationship seem more real somehow. It wasn't a very long conversation, but at least it happened and now most people back home know about us. I couldn't blurt it out myself, but she guessed which made it so much easier. Inevitably she told me "don't commit, you're still young" but i wasn't really listening at this point, my mind was just buzzing and i just wanted to talk to J.
So that was that! She hugged me and said she doesn't care as long as i'm happy and she's acting exactly the same which is brilliant.

And now i'm back in Derby and i have never felt happier. Waking up next to her, feeling her skin against mine, looking at her beautiful face, i am just in absolute heaven and can't imagine anything different.

It's our one year anniversary in about a month and a half, and i want to get something amazing. Any ideas?

Is it alright for me to feel this way?

Yesterday i started watching season 1 of The L Word again, skipping the bits i found boring, ie. anything involving Jenny (except her sex scenes with Marina of course). I spent the majority afternoon watching episodes 4 till 10, when i should have been reading up about discourse analysis for my IS (independent studies - my dissertation/thesis whatever you want to call it).

J went to Leeds festival this weekend, which i am quite jealous of cos Kings of Leon played/are playing tonight, and they were meant to play at Beni, but had to cancel cos of strong winds. Because of strong winds! T, F and I queued for about 6 hours to make sure we got right to front, right near the barriers, all to be told we had to fuck off back to our tents cos they were scared that the stage was going to fall apart and the equipment wasn't working well. Not happy! So cos J was away for the weekend we've hardly talked, except for a couple of texts. So now i'm looking forward to go home so we can talk again after almost a week. On Wednesday my mum and i are going to Sicily for a week, i'm really excited, i'm looking forward to getting away, and hopefully i'll pluck up the courage to come out to her while we're there, bonding over good food, good wine, and even better shopping. We come back the Wednesday after, and the Monday after that (which would be two weeks from tomorrow) i finally go back to Derby.

I'm really looking forward to going back, if only to be able to be out properly and not have to worry about coming out to anyone, or introducing J as my friend, i can hold her hand in public and across the table when we go out for dinner. Just the little things that we couldn't while she was here. I'm not particularily looking forward to my final year of uni, or the idea of making decisions about my future when i've finished, but ah, such is life.

I also have a feeling that two of our cats are gay. They are both girls and are constantly together and rubbing up against each other the way cats do, bump heads, rub bodies. But that is not the extent of it! Have you ever seen a male and female cat flirting? We have loads of cats, they come and eat our food, often uninvited, so i have been witness to plenty of feline flirting. The female cat rolls around on her back meowing, while the male cat sits and watches. Kind of like a feline lap dancer, or exotic dancer. Today, these two female cats rolled around in that way together, rubbing their heads together as they did it, then they lay on their stomachs facing each other and rubbed noses, licked each others paws, play fought, the works. I am absolutely convinced they have seen the light and have fallen madly in love with each other. I said this to my mother, and she laughed at me. Pah.

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

Coming out part 2 & TMI Tuesday #193

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?
None, i don't drive.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?
None, girly pants please.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
Yes, but i wasn't working at the time. J and i work in the cinema and we get two free tickets each a week, and she went down on me while we were watching confessions of a shopaholic. The film was crap so we needed some extra entertainment :)

4. Do you or your so own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?
No, but my ex had one so i have been on one. Only once or twice though, and i did wear a helmet.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?
Loads of times! Its essential in this heat.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?
Nopes




Coming out part 2

On Sunday night Moby played in Malta (and Deadmau5, for anyone who might know of him). Unmissable, obviously. I went with T and some of her friends, and spent most of the day at her house beforehand. We had a taxi coming at 8pm and planned to get steaming drunk before, so we opened a bottle of rose at 3.30pm before the others arrived. At about 7pm we opened a bottle of vodka and poured half of it into a plastic bottle and topped it up with orange juice. We met the taxi, piled in and continued drinking till we got there, and then on the way down, somehow the topic turned to J and my sexuality. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when i'm drunk.

T told me she'd guessed from facebook and twitter (emerging pattern! i always thought we were quite subtle on facebook!) and that she'd asked her dad and Sue who works with us what they thought (ohhh the awkwardness). She also said that my brother mentioned to her that i'd slept with J and that she was waiting for me to tell her myself. She then said that she got a bit offended that i took so long to tell her cos she is my best friend after all. To which i replied that i was really scared she'd act differently towards me and she said as if she would, i'm her best friend, her big sister and she loves me no matter what. Then the conversation got a bit weird.

T said she would never have imagined me to be gay and that she didn't think J looked like my type, from facebook. She thinks she looks too butch for me! Not that there's anything wrong with butch, but J isn't really butch at all, and in my drunken state i started squealing in her defense. T then went on another weird road, where she said she's worried about me being in a relationship with a girl cos she doesn't want me to hurt her. Fair enough. She said what if i'm not sure what if i'm not sure if i'm gay or not and decide that i'm not and then break her heart? I said we've been together for 8 months, if i had wanted cock it would've happened by now. She argued that i still fancy men (which i do) so how can i be sure? It was all rather strange, i wish it hadn't had happened when we were both fucked but at least it's done and she's acting exactly the same as before. I do worry that she won't like J though, which will kill me. She's added J on facebook though, so that's a plus.

J had said, before i'd told more of my friends, that she was worried that they wouldn't like me, but now that they know we're together she's even more worried. I told H this the other day and she said if i like her than they're bound to like her too. I love that girl. So we'll have to wait and see.

I can't wait to see her now. It's been almost three weeks and because she's never been in Malta with me, it also feels as if my relationship with her is just a dream, it almost doesn't feel real anymore. I really can. Not. Wait. Roll on July and Beni!

Can dreams come true?

I wanted to blog about this yesterday, but because it was father's day, i didn't have time to.

On Saturday night i dreamt that i came out to my mum. I don't know what triggered the dream, or what i dreamt before and after it. All i know is it was and incredibly realistic dream, so realistic that i woke up thinking it had actually happened. You know how sometimes you dream that you're at your own house, but it doesn't look anything like your house, but it still feels like your house? Or that you're talking to someone you know, but they look nothing like the person they actually are? This dream wasn't even like that.

Because it was a dream, i have no idea how the conversation started or how we got on to that topic. My mother was standing in the doorway to my room. It looked exactly like my room, it WAS my room. I could see the courtyard behind my mother with all the plants and washing and cats and dogs in, exactly like it is in real life. My mother looked exactly like herself. It was so unbelievably realistic.

Somehow we got on to the topic, and i looked at the floor and said i have a girlfriend. My mum said "i thought so" and hugged me and told me it's fine, she loves me no matter what. That's when i woke up, i think anyway. I woke up feeling relieved, so happy that i had finally done it and that she was ok with it. And then i remembered it was all a dream and got up to face the day, that would be full of "no i don't have a boyfriend"s to nosy (even if they mean well) relatives.

Do you think this dream was so realistic because maybe it's actually going to happen? I definitely hope so lol!

Dutch courage

Last night was a great night. I couldn't get the shisha bong to work but apart from that it was an evening of splendor! We were on a beach drinking and talking about shit AND i got the courage to tell my friends about J! I'm so happy i did, at long last! I feel so relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If the alcohol hadn't been involved, i definitely wouldn't have had the courage to come out, but now that i have i'm so happy that i did!

There were six of us, and i'm not sure how it came about, but the other three (two of whom already knew about J) went to the toilet, leaving me with H (who's one of my oldest friends, she is also mother of Baby Boy) and N (who's a relatively new friend but she's one of us now). So, as i usually do when i have something big to say, i told H i wanted to tell her something but i couldn't. She pressed and asked "why can't you? why can't you?" so i asked her to guess. Sure enough, without hesitation, she said "you're a lesbian." I mumbled a sound that was meant to signify that i'm not sure, then i said "you know jodie? she's my girlfriend. we've been together for 8 months." She jumped up and came over to hug me and said "i knew it. i knew it" over and over and then she started crying, and is tarted crying, and we were one big hysterical mess. Apparently she'd guessed, just from the posts J left on my wall on facebook. Ah well i'm just glad she knows. Once the other three came back i told A, and then the conversation moved on to the sex! So it went really well, i'm really happy now :). I'm a little bit nervous about when she comes now though, i really want them to like her!

This photo from last night made me laugh out loud.

I'm inside my trousers!

Hope you Thursday's going ok!

Emotional explosions

I feel like i want to burst but i can't because i'm scared of the consquences. I want to tell my parents and a couple of my closest, best friends (even they still don't know) about J but I still don't have the courage. I read on someone's blog yesterday (i can't remember whose it was, tell me if it was yours!) that someone had once told them that once you get the courage to come out to your parents it means you've truly come to terms with your sexuality. Now i don't know is that's why i can't bring myself to tell them about J, but i don't really think it is.

In England, i have no problem telling people i have a girlfriend. I told most of my friends there straight away, and the others when we had made it official. I have no problem telling strangers that i have a girlfriend, in fact i'm very proud of that fact. However, if people ask me if i'm gay i still stare at them with a blank expression and wonder 'what' i am. Am i gay or bi? Does it really make that much difference? Somehow, to me, i think it does. Even though when people ask me that my answer is usually "i don't want to put any labels on it." Or something along those cheesy, lame lines. It seems like having a girlfriend is one thing, but being gay is another. Fuck knows i'm probably talking shit.

All i know is i feel like i was kind of thrown into this. Willing, of course, but with no experience and no expectations. I had never considered myself bi, always straight, and within a month of meeting J we were together. So even though i've fallen completely in love with her, i haven't really had the time to come to terms with it on my own, if you know what i mean. At the moment i don't really know what i identify myself as, i'm just in love with an amazing person.

I don't know. The reason i'm thinking about this know is because i want to talk about J constantly like a normal girl my age, or anyone really, would want. I want to wear the dress she gave me tonight and tell my mum that she got it for me without her thinking, "fuck how much money did this girl spend on her??" She knows J's gay, so i don't want her to think she's some crazy lesbian stalker, buying me things and taking me places. I want her to know cos i know my mum would appreciate how good she is to me.

I'm not feeling so sad anymore, i've ben back a couple of days and i've spent them sitting on the sofa or at my mum's desk, which is exactly what i wanted. I spoke to J a bit but my credit's finished now plus she's working loads at the moment to have money for Spain and for when she comes here. Plus i'm going to see my friends tonight and my laptop should be fixed, and completely wiped of all the crap (so it's practically going to be a new laptop), by Monday. Yay!

Happy Weekend everyone!

emotional polarity

I'm happy, but not happy at the same time. J took me to Alton Towers for my birthday on Monday, and it was incredible! I absolutely loved it, it was the best birthday present ever! We had such an amazing day, just the two of us with nothing to worry about.

However, as always, an amazing day can't just remain an amazing day can it? Just before we left i went to get my camera out of my back and it was soaked. I had a can of Relentless (which is like Red Bull) in my bag and somehow it had burst and my camera (which i bought over christmas) and my phone (which i got only back in March) were completely soaked. We took the batteries and cards and stuff out and dried them and when we got back to hers i tried to switch them on but they stayed off. Luckily my phone seems to be working again now, but the camera isn't and my laptop's still fucked. Buuttt anyway.

Yesterday J planned a little surprise party for me at K's flat :). They made some epic mexican food. Nachos to start with and then burritos and stuffed peppers. On top of the party and Alton Towers, she also bought me a dress for my birthday, i really can't believe how much she's done for over the past couple of days. The only person who's ever made such a fuss over me on my brithday is my mum! Lol.
The reason i'm feeling a little bit sad is because i'm going home tomorrow. I hated being away from her for a week in Aberdeen let alone not seeing her for a month. Plus i didn't do as well on one of my essays as i thought i would, and i'm a bit upset about it. Luckily we had a presentation to do to and that took my grade up to a C+ but now it's making me worry about all my other grades. Plus i'm in one of those "i can't see the point" moods. I'm looking forward to going home only to see my parents, i really just want to spend the first couple of weeks at home but i don't think my friends would like it. Also i'm not looking forward to having noone know that J and I are together. I've told everyone what she's done for me for my birthday but it's not the same, i really want them to know how amazing she is but i still don't have the guts to tell them. Then i have to start work and even though i enjoy it, work is still work. Then i have to worry about preparing for my final uni year next year, which i am dreading. If i don't get a 2:1 at least i really think my mum will kill me. Then i have to worry about what i want to do after uni cos that's only a year away, and if i want to continue studying i have to apply in October.
Eugh, plus to top it all off i've got my period. Greeaaat. And i'm worried i'm gonna have to pay overwight on my luggage.

I hope everyone else is a little bit more cheerful than i am! I have to go and finish packing all my crap and wait for J to finish work. The one good thing about going home is hopefully i can start blogging regularly again and keeping up with everyone else! Happy Wednesday, and Happy B'day to me lol :)

Today i am frustrated

WARNING: This is going to be a very long post lol.

Something's wrong with my laptop. Its got itself stuck in a loop so everytime i switch it on it restarts itself over and over again, continuously. So i got back from Aberdeen on Saturday afternoon, and after spending 7 hours on the train watching films on it, lovely laptop decides not to work. I took into to uni monday morning for the geeky computer people to have a look at it but they couldn't figure it out. I now have to go to PC world, but i don't kow where it is so J's going to take me tomorrow. I'm now at uni using one of the uni computers cos i was getting facebook and blogger withdrawal symptoms.

Sooo Aberdeen didn't go as well as i thought. I think i was overly confident and overly optimistic. I really enjoyed spending time with my aunt and uncle, but i didn't tell her. Or him for that matter but i didn't intend to anyway. When i arrived i thought "no problem, i'll just get some time alone with her voila, it'll all come out." But i didn't really get much time alone with her cos my unvle was on holiday too, if it was just me there i'd have had plenty of opportunity.

She did almost figure it out for herself, but i don't think she'd believe that i have a girlfriend if i didn't tell her upfront. Basically we were in a pub somewhere in the Scottish highlands on Tuesday and J and i had been texting each other since i left Derby practically, mainly dirty texts, all we talked about was sex lol, with the occassional 'i love you so much' chucked in. So J sent me a text along the lines off "i want to fuck the arse off you when i get to Malta." Now my phone won't close the actual message if you don't press the back button all the way to the homescreen, it will keep it open while you do other things and if you click on the messages application it will open the message straight away. So Lal (aunt) picked up my phone and clicked on messages and there was J's message free for her to read. I snatched the phone out of her hand and she started questioning me about who i was texting. I kept insisting that it was J but she wouldn't believe me. I showed her my inbox full of texts from noone but J and she still wouldn't believe me! So i never plucked up the courage after that to tell her.

Apart from that Scotland was great. I saw loads of animals, and i absolutely love animals. I saw cows, highland cows (which are like normal cows but with long fur and horns), loads of sheep, grouse, donkeys, goats, seagulls, alpakas, rabbits, ponies, swans and probably some others. We saw loads of castles, went to museums, climbed a mountain and followed the whiskey trail. We went to a couple of distilleries, the most famous of which is the Glenfiddich distillery. I'm not a big whiskey drinker but from working on bars and in restaurants i know some things about whiskeys, plus we got some free whiskey in the process too!

Since i've been back things have been great, J's parents were still away oon Saturday night so as soon as i got home on Saturday afternoon i had a shower and went to hers. We spent the afternoon in bed having sex and eating, my two favourite things in the whole world done in my favourite thing, bed. Lol, all in all a perfect evening for me. Luckily the weather was really good, till today as it's back to grey and cold. At least we had Monday and Tuesday when it was really really hot, like proper hot, and we went to the park and sunbathed, and yesterday we took a bbq and spent the day there.

I have mnore things to say but this post is going to be too long and i have a short attention span!

I hope everyone had a good week and a half, i'm going to try and catch up on everyone's posts while i have some internet!

Also, its my birthday in 8 days! Yay! :)

Coming out week

Today i'm going to Aberdeen to visit my aunt and her boyfriend, and my uncle's coming from Malta too. My aunt, Lal, is only 9 years older than me, she's the youngest of my mum's four other siblings and is closer in age to me than any of them. Because of this she's more like my sister than my aunt. We grew up together and were always treated the same by my grandparents and during one of the many spells when my parents split up, we shared a room together. She still calls her room at my grandparents' house 'our' room.

I usually tell her everything, but like most of my family she doesn't know about J yet, so i am determined to tell her this week. She's only going to be in Malta for 2 weeks over the summer, and that's in June, so she won't get to meet J. I really want to tell her this week. Really, really, really want to. Apart from anything else it's going to be really strange moving back home for a few months with people not knowing i have a girlfriend. Mainly because she just makes me so happy and i want people to know that i'm the happiest i've ever been and it's all thanks to her.


Anyway, i have a 7 and a half hour train to look forward to, and i've been really paranoid that i'm going to miss it. Last night i dreamt that i missed it, and then i dreamt that J and i had to me somewhere and we missed whatever it was that was meant to take us there. So yeah i'm a bit paranoid. Mainly cos it will cost me £85 to get there if i miss this train.

Hope you all have a good week! :)

What would you do?

Most of my friends still don't know about J. My best friend T (who i mentioned a few posts back) doesn't know and she's one of the people i'm scared to tell the most. I don;t know why it is, but i am. She's like my baby sister but at the same time we've ended up snogging on drunken nights out. I think i'm worried she'll think i fancied her and think that i snogged her because of that.
Anyway, T and i (and two of her friends) are going to Benicassim music festival in Spain this summer, which i am insanely excited about :D.

There are 11 weeks and 1 day until Festival Internacional de Benicassim 2009

J and her best friend are also going and we plan to meet up while we're both there. Now i go home on 11th June, Beni's between 13th and 23rd July, so this would basically be the first time we'd have seen each other in more than a month. I mentioned to her best mate that when i went to see them i would go alone, and i think J got offended. I tried to explain that if my friends don't know about us yet, i'd rather find her on my own. Can you imagine how weird it would be to meet your girlfriend for the first time in more than month and have to act like you're not together? Thinking about it now makes me want to cry, i can't imagine what it's going to be like. I hope to have told T by the time we go to Beni, but if i haven't i'd rather meet J alone and be able to at least give her a hug and a kiss. She hasn't replied to my last text. She's been really understanding about the fact that i've hardly told anyone back home yet so this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. I also asked her what she'd do when she comes home to visit me in August. I haven't told my parents yet and she's asked me not to tell them till after they meet her. Fair enough, i understand why and i think it's a good idea cos i think they'll love her and i don;t want them to judge her. But isn't this the same thing? Will she get offended if don't hold her hand in front of my parents like i wouldn't in front of my friends?

Hmmm i don't know. Any wise opinions? At least wiser than mine!

Dear Good Friday,

I'm writing to tell you what a lovely, albeit a little bit awkward, day you were. Even though we are catholic, my immediate family don't do anything on Good Friday. My brother fucked off to smoke weed with his friends in Gozo, my dad did his best to avoid staying in and my mum stayed in with the cats and dogs. I was invited, quite a while ago (at Christmas in fact), to my best friend's house for lunch. I work at her parent's restaurant and they love me so they took me out for dinner when i was home for Christmas and invited me for Good Friday lunch then.

So my best mate, T, doesn't know about J yet. I'm nervous to tell her because on a drunken night out we've often ended up sharing a snog, and one of the last times this happened she told me the next day that i had got really into it, i was feeling her up and everything! When she told me this, i just laughed it off cos, well, in my mind i was a straight girl who knew how to have a bit of fun. Now that i am very, very, very in love with a woman i don't want her to act differently with me.

On top of that, last summer T introduced me to one of her best mates, he was a new best friend that's why i'd never met him before, and they met because she crashed his mother's car. Yes. She crashed his mother's car. The second time she met him. His mum adores her now, but at the time it wasn't so funny. Anyway, i'm rambling now lol. So at the beginning of last summer she introduced him to me, and i practically fell in love with him within a week. I'd been 'playing the field' shall we say after my ex and i broke up and didn't really meet anyone i actually liked, just people i wanted to fool around with. And then i met him. Tall, a face carved out of stone with a body to match, a deep, Vin Dieselesque type of voice, plus brains. I could not resist him. Me being the prize twat that i am, i ended up in bed with him after a couple of weeks and became so obsessed with this poor boy that im ashamed even thinking about it now. I've never been the obsessive girlfriend type, but i had just been dumped for someone else and rejection wasn't exactly what i needed. But it is what i got. We never slept together again but we kept meeting up, having sleepovers, and kissing on nightclub balconies. Then one day i saw him with another girl. Now we weren't actually together, and i knew that, but i was drunk and i flipped. And for at least a month following i angrily texted him every time i was drunk. He ignored me for the rest of the summer.

I got over him pretty quickly, i knew it was just a lusting, horny crush and i managed to get over it and stay away from him to avoid embarrassment. T and i fought a couple of times because of him, cos i was convinced he was in love with her because they're so close, and would often tell her this when i was drunk. Between the summer and now, i only saw him once, on New Year's Eve, when i was nursing a very drunk T on the side of the road and he stopped to say Happy New Year.

So back to now. T warned me a couple of days ago that he was going to be there, and i was a bit taken aback that she felt she had to warn me. I wanted to tell her that i'm happier than i've ever been, than he could ever make me, and i'm in love! But i couldn't and i just said, look, i'm over it and i have been for a while now.

When I arrived today he was already there and we said hi and how are things bla bla. By the time we sat down for our 6 (yes, 6! i love T's dad) courses, T sat down and i went to sit next her and Hunk went to sit next to me. T whispered in my ear "shall we change places?" AAARRGGHH!! NOOOOO I wanted to scream! You make one mistake and look what happens! I told her again, look T, no! I'm over it! And again i wanted to scream i'm in love with the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman and i don't need to be pitied thanks! And sure enough, sitting next to him was fine! We chatted, joked, and acted as if nothing had ever happened (phew, the sex wasn't that good, so i like to forget).

Again, the point of this post, as with so many others, is the scariness of coming out. How did you all do it?? I'm considering doing it by email! That's how chicken i am now!

In other news, the kittens are the most adorable things i've seen ages. I'll have to post a photo soon. Luckily they all seem to be healthy after only four days of life. Very squirmy, all five of them.

With all my love,

Newbo

We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.

I really love my phone

I'm sitting watching tv with the family, while blogging, from my phone! My beautiful Nokia 5800. I think i love it as much as i love J. Yes i said it! It really is beautiful.. So today we went out to lunch, and i was hoping to tell at least one more person that i have a girlfriend (you may realise that most of my posts are about how chicken i am to come out back home). I at least wanted to tell Baby Boy. But i didn't get a chance too. My thumb's hurting now, and the enter button won't work and i want to do a meme. Lol..

The joy of having "nothing" to do

I have spent the day doing absolutely fuck all. I've been on the internet about 90% of the time and have sat in front of the tv for exactly 99% of the time (i took the dogs out for about 10 minutes). For the past two hours I've intended to have a bath, but literally cannot be bothered, even though I really can't wait to have one. We only have a shower in halls, so i'm going to have at least one bath a day while i'm at home. I don't actually have anything to do. I haven't finished that essay that i was meant to finish before i came back, but i've put that off till this evening. Plus i should be reading/researching/preparing notes for all my other crappy assignments. But i'm home! And i haven't been here for 3 months, so i'm making the most of it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going out to lunch in the sunshine with all my friends. Well, all the important girl friends. We've known each other since school, since we were 13 at least (some even longer). So much has changed since then! One of my best friend's has a baby boy who's 5 months old now. Haven't seen him since christmas obviously and she's sent me some photos and he just looks so chubby and cute and i can't wait to see him tomorrow! Plus most of my friends don't know i have a girlfriend. Well hardly anyone in Malta knows i have a girlfriend. But that's another story and another post about how chicken I am to tell everyone.

When I came back for christmas we hadn't even been together for 2 months so I didn't really think about it too much. I told a couple of people and it felt great, but i didn't worry too much. Now we've been together for almost six months, we've just said the L word and I can't actually stop thinking about her. So it would be good to have the guts to tell everyone about her. The only thing is, I haven't even come to terms with the fact that i may be gay, in my mind i'm bisexual at least, so at least i have my options open. My brother's room is right next to door to my mum's and we were in there yesterday just after i got back. He was calling me a lesbian and it felt really strange! I think i need longer than 5 months to come to terms with it..

A little about me

So nothing much has happened over the past couple of days. Yesterday I saw a bit about dogs that can detect cancer and diabetes. I love dogs and think they're the most amazing animals, and this just proves it! I'm also completely in love with my phone. It's a Nokia 5800. I spent my two hour seminar on the internet yesterday, mainly on facebook and googling random things. When i say random things, I mean googling my phone to read all the reviews about ti and how much better it is than the iPhone. It's fantastic!

Yesterday evening Jodie and I went to Pizza Express and then to the cinema to watch Lesbian Vampire Killers. There's a restaurant in the cinema here and we both work in there, I'm a waitress and she works behind the bar so we get 2 free tickets each a week and we go to the cinema quite often. Anyway, Lesbian Vampire Killers was crap, which we expected it to be, but hilarious crap. Worth watching if you want something that will just numb you out for an hour and a half. Plus it has James Corden and Matt Horne in it, and together they make the film a good watch. Even though their characters in the film are the same characters they play in Gavin and Stacey, at least they're good at them.

Anyway, on to me. I don't like writing long about me sections, so I'm going to write all the most important stuff here. I'm 19, I grew up in Malta, a very catholic, very tiny island in the middle of the mediterranean sea. I moved to Derby, UK, in September 2007 to study Psychology at the University of Derby. I'm now at the end of my second year and shitting it cos I have so much work to do. Like I mentioned above, I work as a waitress in a restaurant, which is in a cinema (a lot of people get confused about this, I tell them I work in the cinema and that I'm a waitress and they think I have 2 jobs). I have another job, which at the moment I only do once a week, and I'm a teacher's assistant sort of thing in after school classes for kids. I love kids and plan to become a child psychologist.

I have a mother, father and an 17 (alomost 18!) year old brother. My parents split up and got back together a couple of times, now they're not together but they still live together, for our sake. We're a very close family, and I would normally tell them everything, but they still don't know I have a girlfriend. My brother knows, but I haven't told my parents yet. I love living in another country because having a girlfriend and being open about it is possible here, at home it wouldn't be. I don't know many people in Derby, the ones I do know obviously know about us and I don't really care about the ones I don't know. A couple of my closest friends back home know, but the more people I tell, the more chance there is that people I don't want to know will find out. Malta's like one enormous village full of gossips, and if something happens, regardless of what it is, you can be sure that everyone will found out at some point.

Does anyone else feel like they're living 2 lives sometimes?

The strangeness and confusingness of it all

I'm in a frustrated mood. I cried a lot yesterday and a bit today, and I haven't cried in ages because I've been so happy recently. And then I lose my temper, and even though she's acting normal, there's just something a bit off. We do spend a lot of time together, and fair enough she's spending the evening with her best mate, but I don't know when I'm going to see her, plus we've only spent one proper day together in ages. It's just that I'm going home in a week, and just before yesterday things were brilliant. But anyway I'm just making a fuss. She annoyed me because about a month ago I asked her if she wanted to come with me to dinner for my friend's birthday, and she very obvioulsy didn't want to but said she would, because obviously I want her there. A couple of weeks ago I told her I was going to book the night off work and she told me to book hers off too, so I did. Then yesterday she got annoyed cos she has less hours cos she has the Saturday off. Why do people do that? Why did she tell me she'd come with me when she didn't really want to? But anyway...

I still find it strange that I'm so in love with her. Everytime I see her smile my heart literally skips a beat, and whenever we're not together I can't stop thinking about her. Like now. Considering I'd never had feelings for another woman before it still feels a bit surreal when I think about it. And usually things are amazing between us, the cheesy annoying kind of great where you just stare at each other and smile like a twat.

I really wish she was staying over tonight.

Starting again

It happened in October and since then I haven't looked back, I haven't been this happy in ages and it all came so naturally to me that i never thought twice about it.

Everyone here knows, but only a couple of my friends back home now, and my brother. I'm so happy and in love that it kills me not being able to share it, especially with my parents, but i don't think i'm ready for them to know yet. Even saying it out loud is still hard. "My girlfriend".. It holds so much weight and can cause different reactions which i'm not used to, I didn't really care at the beginning, i didn't think it would go anywhere, i thought it was just a little fling, 'friends with benefits' kind of thing. And now it's this and i can't (and don't want to) imagine my life without her, now it's starting to sink in.

It didn't shake me up at first. I don't care whether i'm gay or straight or bi, i'm happy and that's all that counts isn't it? But now that the relationship's getting more serious, i feel slightly pressured, only by myself probably, to label myself. If i say i'm not gay, i worry that i'll offend her. It's obvious that i'm not straight, but am i gay? I don't really fancy girls, or guys, just her, so i can't really compare. Plus i'm in that mushy stage where i can't even do the "what if you broke up, would you go for a guy or another girl?.." I genuinely don't know. So i'll stick with bi, or straight with lesbian tendencies. Or just one tendency that's going to last.