Emotional explosions

I feel like i want to burst but i can't because i'm scared of the consquences. I want to tell my parents and a couple of my closest, best friends (even they still don't know) about J but I still don't have the courage. I read on someone's blog yesterday (i can't remember whose it was, tell me if it was yours!) that someone had once told them that once you get the courage to come out to your parents it means you've truly come to terms with your sexuality. Now i don't know is that's why i can't bring myself to tell them about J, but i don't really think it is.

In England, i have no problem telling people i have a girlfriend. I told most of my friends there straight away, and the others when we had made it official. I have no problem telling strangers that i have a girlfriend, in fact i'm very proud of that fact. However, if people ask me if i'm gay i still stare at them with a blank expression and wonder 'what' i am. Am i gay or bi? Does it really make that much difference? Somehow, to me, i think it does. Even though when people ask me that my answer is usually "i don't want to put any labels on it." Or something along those cheesy, lame lines. It seems like having a girlfriend is one thing, but being gay is another. Fuck knows i'm probably talking shit.

All i know is i feel like i was kind of thrown into this. Willing, of course, but with no experience and no expectations. I had never considered myself bi, always straight, and within a month of meeting J we were together. So even though i've fallen completely in love with her, i haven't really had the time to come to terms with it on my own, if you know what i mean. At the moment i don't really know what i identify myself as, i'm just in love with an amazing person.

I don't know. The reason i'm thinking about this know is because i want to talk about J constantly like a normal girl my age, or anyone really, would want. I want to wear the dress she gave me tonight and tell my mum that she got it for me without her thinking, "fuck how much money did this girl spend on her??" She knows J's gay, so i don't want her to think she's some crazy lesbian stalker, buying me things and taking me places. I want her to know cos i know my mum would appreciate how good she is to me.

I'm not feeling so sad anymore, i've ben back a couple of days and i've spent them sitting on the sofa or at my mum's desk, which is exactly what i wanted. I spoke to J a bit but my credit's finished now plus she's working loads at the moment to have money for Spain and for when she comes here. Plus i'm going to see my friends tonight and my laptop should be fixed, and completely wiped of all the crap (so it's practically going to be a new laptop), by Monday. Yay!

Happy Weekend everyone!

A little about me

So nothing much has happened over the past couple of days. Yesterday I saw a bit about dogs that can detect cancer and diabetes. I love dogs and think they're the most amazing animals, and this just proves it! I'm also completely in love with my phone. It's a Nokia 5800. I spent my two hour seminar on the internet yesterday, mainly on facebook and googling random things. When i say random things, I mean googling my phone to read all the reviews about ti and how much better it is than the iPhone. It's fantastic!

Yesterday evening Jodie and I went to Pizza Express and then to the cinema to watch Lesbian Vampire Killers. There's a restaurant in the cinema here and we both work in there, I'm a waitress and she works behind the bar so we get 2 free tickets each a week and we go to the cinema quite often. Anyway, Lesbian Vampire Killers was crap, which we expected it to be, but hilarious crap. Worth watching if you want something that will just numb you out for an hour and a half. Plus it has James Corden and Matt Horne in it, and together they make the film a good watch. Even though their characters in the film are the same characters they play in Gavin and Stacey, at least they're good at them.

Anyway, on to me. I don't like writing long about me sections, so I'm going to write all the most important stuff here. I'm 19, I grew up in Malta, a very catholic, very tiny island in the middle of the mediterranean sea. I moved to Derby, UK, in September 2007 to study Psychology at the University of Derby. I'm now at the end of my second year and shitting it cos I have so much work to do. Like I mentioned above, I work as a waitress in a restaurant, which is in a cinema (a lot of people get confused about this, I tell them I work in the cinema and that I'm a waitress and they think I have 2 jobs). I have another job, which at the moment I only do once a week, and I'm a teacher's assistant sort of thing in after school classes for kids. I love kids and plan to become a child psychologist.

I have a mother, father and an 17 (alomost 18!) year old brother. My parents split up and got back together a couple of times, now they're not together but they still live together, for our sake. We're a very close family, and I would normally tell them everything, but they still don't know I have a girlfriend. My brother knows, but I haven't told my parents yet. I love living in another country because having a girlfriend and being open about it is possible here, at home it wouldn't be. I don't know many people in Derby, the ones I do know obviously know about us and I don't really care about the ones I don't know. A couple of my closest friends back home know, but the more people I tell, the more chance there is that people I don't want to know will find out. Malta's like one enormous village full of gossips, and if something happens, regardless of what it is, you can be sure that everyone will found out at some point.

Does anyone else feel like they're living 2 lives sometimes?