Ray of hope

I know I've already posted today, but I came across an article on the website of Malta's biggest, most popular newspaper and I decided that I had to share it with everyone. It's written by a 19-year old University student in Malta and it gives insight into the close-minded mentality a lot of people still hold in Malta with regards to gay rights. The girl herself is very honest and open about her upbringing and her opinion on gay rights and gay marriage. It gives little gays like me some hope that people like her will be in control one day and I can go back home and raise a family there without being judged one day. If anyone is interested in reading the article just click HERE.

J and I hope to move to Malta one day (fingers crossed we're together long enough lol!). We are very wrapped up in each other and have talked about the possibility of a family, though we know that there is a chance we won't be together in however many years time, it's nice to know that we share the same ideas and hopes for a family in the future. Regardless of J anyway (that sounds a bit harsh lol) I've never really fancied the idea of raising children in England as Malta is much much safer and everything is just a bit easier over there. Except of course being gay. So if i, or we, did want to move there to raise a family, we wouldn't be able to do it right now, so hopefully within the next 15 - 20 years Malta can progress and we will be able to live happily and in a non-homophobic environment.

Homosexuality was made legal back in 1973, and there are laws protecting gay people from abuse and discrimination. Even though that is really good considering Malta is a very Catholic country, you would think that by now, and with the influence that the media has over the world at the moment, we would have progressed further. But alas, I have to wait and read blogs by people my age hoping they will one day help to change the backwards ideas that the Maltese people still hold.

Phew! Rant over :)

Because it seems i've finally fallen in love with blogging again, here are some photos to show you what i've been up to, apart from middle aged men touching my boobs and getting good grades at uni ;).
That gorgeous little monkey right there is Baby Boy, H's son. He is almost a year and a half now, and that was the last time i saw him, which was christmas time when H invited us all to hers during the christmas break. He ran around trying to steal H's ipod and stood and danced to our cheesy christmas tunes. All the while holding his blanket in his hand. Bad ass little boy.Then came christmas day, which was strangely un-christmas like. It was 24 degrees C in Malta (which is 75F) so it wasn't particularly wintery and it just felt a bit strange because of financial and familial issues. But it was still a lovely day, even though my mother announced, not very nicely, to the rest of the family that i planned to work next year and not go straight on to a masters. Shock and bloody horror, after 21 years of education i would like to take a break for a year. She thinks i'm being stupid to do it but at the end of the day it is my decision, and i've made it now. Also, one of our dogs wasn't there, i still cry when i think about him and how stupid the vet was for not recognising what he had early enough, when it's so common amongst dogs in Malta. Stupid, over paid, lazy twats (two of them managed to misdiagnose him, before it was too late and vet number three tried his hardest to save him). Anyway, that's my dad and me on christmas day, i'm a daddy's girl.
After christmas came new year's eve. Between christmas and NYE and any time around then i spent playing The Sims 3. I love it becuase you can have same sex couples! So, obviously, i made a nice little lesbian family, and we adopted babies and lived a blissful life. Unfortunately we died after about four days so now our daughter is married to a man and has a child and one more on the way, and our son is engaged. But after playing for a week i got bored and haven't looked at it since. So, NYE we went to a party where there weren't many people and a fully stocked open bar. Let me make that easier to understand. Very few people + fully stocked open bar = absolutely smashed and exhausted by 11.59pm. It was a good night, that didn't involve much except drinking, i danced for a total of 10 minutes, and because of the massive shoes i was wearing and the tightness of my beautiful dress (which arrived the day before NYE, thanks ASOS!) these 10 minutes were not the most comfortable of my life. But overall it was not a failed night. However, the best part of my christmas break came the day after New Year's Day, when J arrived. We had an amazing week in the sun. All we did was eat, go for walks, play with the dog, and have sex (which was a little bit hard in my single bunk beds, but we made it work). We went to some birthday parties/gatherings, we went to watch Avatar in 3D with my brother, his girlfriend, her dad and T. Avatar was incredible. The effects and the colours and the 3D are incredible, you don't really pay much attention to the actual storyline because you sit in awe of the beautiful colours and scenery on the screen. Well, that's what happened to me at least. The story is very Pocahontas-like. But the blues and the pinks and the greens and the tree of life, the place where they have sex anyway, was incredible. If it weren't for the effects and the 3D i think it would just seem like any other film. We also did lots of touristy stuff, went round historic places, visited gardens, had lunch at places with magnificent views of the main harbour, those kinds of things.
Anyway, on top of that we went for walks. My parents live in the countryside, in the middle of them valley, and on one day we went for a walk with my dad and the dog, and then on another we went for a 4 hour walk with the just the dog. It was incredible, the views were amazing as we walked along the coast across four different beaches/bays, and i'm going to post a few photos and shut up now because this post is a million times longer than i intended it to be.


I've edited this post a million times, it's too long for my liking, so i'm going to post the photos on a separate post. Sorry for the lengthiness! I think i may be opting for vlogs more often!

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

You love me, I love harder so

Tomorrow is J's birthday. She's only been gone a few days but I wish I was with her. These past few weeks have been amazing, but now i'm really looking forward to going back to Derby. Not just cos of J, but cos of my friends too and just to be in Derby. It really feels like home now.

Like I anticipated, T was a bit weird with J when I introduced them in Spain. Seeing J in Spain was absolutely amazing, the feeling i got when i saw her for the first time was incredible. She was standing on the beach looking fit as fuck in her bikini and i saw her before she saw me and i could see the excitement and anticipation on her face. It was incredible! I met her every day while we were at the music festival, and luckily towards the end of the week T loosened up. But being there with her was amazing, it felt exactly like it did at the very beginning, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were laughing constantly, it really was brilliant. After a week at the festival in Benicassim, we went to Valencia and J and her friend were coming the day after and they hadn't booked in anywhere, so i booked them a room in the hotel we were staying in, which had it's obvious perks :). We walked around Valencia for a couple of hours, and you know when you think back to something and one thing really sticks out about that occasion, well from that day i remember laughing constantly with her. At each other, with each other, at other people, at absolutely everything.

She came to Malta a few days after we got back, and even though it was amazing, we quickly got back into our comfortable routine. It was so great having her here. My family and friends loved her, but now the pressure's on cos i decided i would come out to my parents after she left. And when i decided this there were months left and now she's gone and i'm going back in less than a month and i am scared shitless. But anyway, i shall not go on about it, instead i'll post a couple of photos.

These are my favourite ones of J and me while she was here.















The first one is one my favourite photos ever. I love the way she's resting her chin on my back, and the look in her eyes.

Cheering up & Wednesday Weirdness #59

I'm currently sat at the waterpolo club where i've spent every summer practically since i was born. The sky is perfect blue, the temperature's in the 30s (Celsius, don't ask me bout farenheit lol!) and the sea is just a couple of feet away from me. I'm happy now! I spent the early afternoon at the beach with three of my best friends, i've topped up my tan and i'm drinking an (unfortunately warm) iced tea. Bliss! All that's missing is J! But anyway, i'm happy again.

Yesterday there was a powercut across the whole island. And we didn't have any water either. So my mum and i spent the day doing fuck all, playing with kittens and doing crosswords. You never realise how much you rely on certain things until they're taken away from you. Luckily the electricity came back in the evening, and i have my wonderful laptop back! Yay! And it's been completely cleaned so it's running like a brand new one would be. The battery's lasting longer than 30 minutes and it takes about 5 seconds to load things for me. I'm so happy to have it back, i've apologised to it for even considering buying a new one to replace it. I love you Laptop and always will!

Tonight my friends and i are going to drink on the beach, we're having an Arabian themed night. I have a shisha bong too and i haven't used it yet this summer so i'm dead excited!

Anyway, on to Wednesday Weirdness..

1.) Do you/Did you ever have a piggy bank shaped like a pig? What do you keep your spare change in?
Yes i did. I still do but i don't use it. I usually leave my spare change running around, or in an empty glasses case, or in my little shot glass. Anywhere!

2.) Be honest. Have you ever stolen anything before?
Yes. My brother and i stole chewing gum once and our mum made us give it back. And other things.

3.) Would it be more awkward to be walked in on during sex by your parents or your children?
I don't have children, so i'll say my parents.

4.) How comfortable would you be at a nude beach? Would you keep your clothes on, keep it modest or bare it all?
I wouldn't bare all. And i'd only go topless if i was with friends or my partner and if there were people who looked like they were only there to perv then i wouldn't.

5.) Where is a place that seems fun and sexy to get it on at but in reality probably wouldn't work out very well?
The sea/a pool/any form of water. I haven't had full sex in the sea but i did fool around and it was a bit uncomfortable and i didn't feel very much. Snogging in the sea is ace though.

6.) Do you have sex less in the summer because of the hot temperatures?
Erm, no! That's what fans and ACs are for! It makes the atmosphere even more heated. The only thing i don't like is men get even sweatier in the heat, my ex used to drip all over me, it wasn't sexy. Lucky i have a girlfriend now who doesn't sweat so much!

7.) Have you ever had a dream that was in black and white?
I don't think so.

Bonus: When you have a naughty dream, most often is it usually your partner in the dream with you or someone else?
With J they're mostly about her. It depends on what happened before. If i don't see J for a while, the sex dreams usually involve her. But if i'd just spent loads of time with her it could involve someone else.

Happy Wednesday!

Social Awareness

Isn't it strange how once you become aware of something, it seems to be all around you? Our friends are Derby are organising a Drag Kings float. Now i'm watching the episode of Sex and the City that centres around mixed genders. There's an artist who photographs drag kings and uses Charlotte as one of his models, and being dressed as a man she is more uninhibited than she usually is. At the same time Carrie is dating a younger bisexual guy and she feels weird about it. A few nights ago i watched one of the episodes where Samantha has a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because i seem more aware of it now, or if it's just weird that everywhere i look there seem to be lesbians or bisexuals. Or maybe it's because people are becoming more accepting of it now. Who knows.

I'm finally starting to enjoy being back home. My mum and my brother aren't talking which is a bit weird and they don't seem too bothered about it, but my dad is really stressing about it. And obviously whenever im alone with my dad he complains about my mum and vice versa. They always seem to be arguing when i'm here and my dad told me today that they don't usually argue so much and it only seems to be when im home that they argue. Thanks dad! I know he didn't mean it that way but that's the way it came out. I'm enjoying the heat though, and finally getting some colour, yay! I really do miss J though, and the sex lol.

Home is where the heart is.

I'm back home! I'm one year older than i was when i was here last time. And i'm a litle bit sad. But i'll not go into it cos i can imagine how bored you're all getting of my missing J stuff..

Well i got another result back and i got a B+! I'm very happy with that, even though with one more mark it would have been A- and that would have looked even better but anyway. Hopefully if i get between a C+ and B+ on my other two modules then my 2:1 isn't looking so impossible after all!

So that has cheered me up a bit. I'm still petrified about third year though. I emailed the lecturer who's supervising my IS (its Independent Studies, that's dissertation or thesis or whatever you want to call it) because i was meant to get her to physically sign my sign up sheet and then take it to the lecturer who supervises the IS module, but i'm home now and won't be back till September, so that's fucked it hasn't it lol. And i have to get an enhanced CRB which she said could take months to get done. Just brilliant.

Anyway, we had quite a nice last day together yesterday (see i couldn't keep off the subject for long lol). In the morning we carted all my crap from my house to J's friend's house, which took us more than 3 hours, and my shoulders and back are really suffering cos of it now. Once we'd finally got that done we showered and went to meet a couple of friends from work for coffee, where we decided to have cocktails instead to reward ourselves after the long morning. Then we went shopping a bit, well J went shopping. Then we went back to her friends house and waited till it was time for me to leave.

And now i'm here and it's boiling, it's so hot. I'm not used to this heat anymore. Last year i came home in May, so it was still not this hot and got weened into the heat. This year i was just thrown into it. And the heat here is a really damp, humid one, so when it's really hot it feels really stuffy. Anyway, i'm just going to look forward to Beni and for J to come.

Happy summer everyone! Sorry for my depresing tones lol.

emotional polarity

I'm happy, but not happy at the same time. J took me to Alton Towers for my birthday on Monday, and it was incredible! I absolutely loved it, it was the best birthday present ever! We had such an amazing day, just the two of us with nothing to worry about.

However, as always, an amazing day can't just remain an amazing day can it? Just before we left i went to get my camera out of my back and it was soaked. I had a can of Relentless (which is like Red Bull) in my bag and somehow it had burst and my camera (which i bought over christmas) and my phone (which i got only back in March) were completely soaked. We took the batteries and cards and stuff out and dried them and when we got back to hers i tried to switch them on but they stayed off. Luckily my phone seems to be working again now, but the camera isn't and my laptop's still fucked. Buuttt anyway.

Yesterday J planned a little surprise party for me at K's flat :). They made some epic mexican food. Nachos to start with and then burritos and stuffed peppers. On top of the party and Alton Towers, she also bought me a dress for my birthday, i really can't believe how much she's done for over the past couple of days. The only person who's ever made such a fuss over me on my brithday is my mum! Lol.
The reason i'm feeling a little bit sad is because i'm going home tomorrow. I hated being away from her for a week in Aberdeen let alone not seeing her for a month. Plus i didn't do as well on one of my essays as i thought i would, and i'm a bit upset about it. Luckily we had a presentation to do to and that took my grade up to a C+ but now it's making me worry about all my other grades. Plus i'm in one of those "i can't see the point" moods. I'm looking forward to going home only to see my parents, i really just want to spend the first couple of weeks at home but i don't think my friends would like it. Also i'm not looking forward to having noone know that J and I are together. I've told everyone what she's done for me for my birthday but it's not the same, i really want them to know how amazing she is but i still don't have the guts to tell them. Then i have to start work and even though i enjoy it, work is still work. Then i have to worry about preparing for my final uni year next year, which i am dreading. If i don't get a 2:1 at least i really think my mum will kill me. Then i have to worry about what i want to do after uni cos that's only a year away, and if i want to continue studying i have to apply in October.
Eugh, plus to top it all off i've got my period. Greeaaat. And i'm worried i'm gonna have to pay overwight on my luggage.

I hope everyone else is a little bit more cheerful than i am! I have to go and finish packing all my crap and wait for J to finish work. The one good thing about going home is hopefully i can start blogging regularly again and keeping up with everyone else! Happy Wednesday, and Happy B'day to me lol :)

What would you do?

Most of my friends still don't know about J. My best friend T (who i mentioned a few posts back) doesn't know and she's one of the people i'm scared to tell the most. I don;t know why it is, but i am. She's like my baby sister but at the same time we've ended up snogging on drunken nights out. I think i'm worried she'll think i fancied her and think that i snogged her because of that.
Anyway, T and i (and two of her friends) are going to Benicassim music festival in Spain this summer, which i am insanely excited about :D.

There are 11 weeks and 1 day until Festival Internacional de Benicassim 2009

J and her best friend are also going and we plan to meet up while we're both there. Now i go home on 11th June, Beni's between 13th and 23rd July, so this would basically be the first time we'd have seen each other in more than a month. I mentioned to her best mate that when i went to see them i would go alone, and i think J got offended. I tried to explain that if my friends don't know about us yet, i'd rather find her on my own. Can you imagine how weird it would be to meet your girlfriend for the first time in more than month and have to act like you're not together? Thinking about it now makes me want to cry, i can't imagine what it's going to be like. I hope to have told T by the time we go to Beni, but if i haven't i'd rather meet J alone and be able to at least give her a hug and a kiss. She hasn't replied to my last text. She's been really understanding about the fact that i've hardly told anyone back home yet so this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. I also asked her what she'd do when she comes home to visit me in August. I haven't told my parents yet and she's asked me not to tell them till after they meet her. Fair enough, i understand why and i think it's a good idea cos i think they'll love her and i don;t want them to judge her. But isn't this the same thing? Will she get offended if don't hold her hand in front of my parents like i wouldn't in front of my friends?

Hmmm i don't know. Any wise opinions? At least wiser than mine!

Waterworks

I'm really stressing out at the moment, i have so much uni work to do but there doesn't seem to be any time. I want to have a life and still manage to do my work, but cos i've been home for 2 weeks i've done fuck all and now i'm feeling really stressed, the kind that makes my heart feel like it isn't strong enough and my lungs feel like they're not taking in enough oxygen. That plus my hormones means i started crying about half an hour ago and now i cant stop. Plus i'm worrying about my finances, cos i've had 2 weeks off work so i'm going to have 2 weeks with no pay cheque. Brilliant. Plus it also means i'll have to work more hours to make up for it, which means less time to do my 7 lovely assignments. I also want to spend time with J cos i'm coming back home in June and i won't see her till July.. There isn't any time to do anything!!

Add to that my terrible procrastination habit and i stand no chance.

The joy of having "nothing" to do

I have spent the day doing absolutely fuck all. I've been on the internet about 90% of the time and have sat in front of the tv for exactly 99% of the time (i took the dogs out for about 10 minutes). For the past two hours I've intended to have a bath, but literally cannot be bothered, even though I really can't wait to have one. We only have a shower in halls, so i'm going to have at least one bath a day while i'm at home. I don't actually have anything to do. I haven't finished that essay that i was meant to finish before i came back, but i've put that off till this evening. Plus i should be reading/researching/preparing notes for all my other crappy assignments. But i'm home! And i haven't been here for 3 months, so i'm making the most of it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going out to lunch in the sunshine with all my friends. Well, all the important girl friends. We've known each other since school, since we were 13 at least (some even longer). So much has changed since then! One of my best friend's has a baby boy who's 5 months old now. Haven't seen him since christmas obviously and she's sent me some photos and he just looks so chubby and cute and i can't wait to see him tomorrow! Plus most of my friends don't know i have a girlfriend. Well hardly anyone in Malta knows i have a girlfriend. But that's another story and another post about how chicken I am to tell everyone.

When I came back for christmas we hadn't even been together for 2 months so I didn't really think about it too much. I told a couple of people and it felt great, but i didn't worry too much. Now we've been together for almost six months, we've just said the L word and I can't actually stop thinking about her. So it would be good to have the guts to tell everyone about her. The only thing is, I haven't even come to terms with the fact that i may be gay, in my mind i'm bisexual at least, so at least i have my options open. My brother's room is right next to door to my mum's and we were in there yesterday just after i got back. He was calling me a lesbian and it felt really strange! I think i need longer than 5 months to come to terms with it..

Today... And tomorrow

Today was such a lovely day. We woke up, had a cuddle, had amazing sex and went out for lunch. It was actually sunny! Bought the paper and sat in the beer garden eating. It was so nice! Then we went shopping, didn't buy much but that wasn't the point lol. We're always so busy that we hardly ever get to spend full days together anymore, and what with me leaving tomorrow, it was a really nice way to spend the day. I wish she was coming home with me for a little bit though, but ah well.

I'm really looking forward to going home. Haven't been back since December, plus it's going to be nice and sunny and warm and it's now getting dark later. Plus I get to see my family and friends, and my dogs!

But yeah, not much else to say. I have to finish my essay before tomorrow too. Boo :(

A little about me

So nothing much has happened over the past couple of days. Yesterday I saw a bit about dogs that can detect cancer and diabetes. I love dogs and think they're the most amazing animals, and this just proves it! I'm also completely in love with my phone. It's a Nokia 5800. I spent my two hour seminar on the internet yesterday, mainly on facebook and googling random things. When i say random things, I mean googling my phone to read all the reviews about ti and how much better it is than the iPhone. It's fantastic!

Yesterday evening Jodie and I went to Pizza Express and then to the cinema to watch Lesbian Vampire Killers. There's a restaurant in the cinema here and we both work in there, I'm a waitress and she works behind the bar so we get 2 free tickets each a week and we go to the cinema quite often. Anyway, Lesbian Vampire Killers was crap, which we expected it to be, but hilarious crap. Worth watching if you want something that will just numb you out for an hour and a half. Plus it has James Corden and Matt Horne in it, and together they make the film a good watch. Even though their characters in the film are the same characters they play in Gavin and Stacey, at least they're good at them.

Anyway, on to me. I don't like writing long about me sections, so I'm going to write all the most important stuff here. I'm 19, I grew up in Malta, a very catholic, very tiny island in the middle of the mediterranean sea. I moved to Derby, UK, in September 2007 to study Psychology at the University of Derby. I'm now at the end of my second year and shitting it cos I have so much work to do. Like I mentioned above, I work as a waitress in a restaurant, which is in a cinema (a lot of people get confused about this, I tell them I work in the cinema and that I'm a waitress and they think I have 2 jobs). I have another job, which at the moment I only do once a week, and I'm a teacher's assistant sort of thing in after school classes for kids. I love kids and plan to become a child psychologist.

I have a mother, father and an 17 (alomost 18!) year old brother. My parents split up and got back together a couple of times, now they're not together but they still live together, for our sake. We're a very close family, and I would normally tell them everything, but they still don't know I have a girlfriend. My brother knows, but I haven't told my parents yet. I love living in another country because having a girlfriend and being open about it is possible here, at home it wouldn't be. I don't know many people in Derby, the ones I do know obviously know about us and I don't really care about the ones I don't know. A couple of my closest friends back home know, but the more people I tell, the more chance there is that people I don't want to know will find out. Malta's like one enormous village full of gossips, and if something happens, regardless of what it is, you can be sure that everyone will found out at some point.

Does anyone else feel like they're living 2 lives sometimes?