Coming out to strangers and great boobie news

out to strangers is really bizarre. It's completely different to telling someone you know, yet it still feels just as hard. I've been lucky here in England because i've known most of them since more or less the time when J and i got together, or else they didn't know me well enough to know whether i was gay or not so it was easy for me to tell them. It wasn't as easy to tell people back home, but i was quietly confident/hopeful that that would be ok with it.

It seems coming out to strangers is the hardest of the three. I still find myself calling J my friend, even though we've been together for almost 18 months. I really have to push the words 'my girlfriend' out of my mouth. Hardly anyone at the school where I work knows about J and today i mentioned her in a conversation and said 'my friend' and then finally, at the end of the conversation, mentioned 'my girlfriend'. I think it's probably subconsciously feeling that they will judge me, as well as the fact that i haven't been out very long, it's all very confusing.

I also find telling men is much easier than telling women. Again, i think maybe it's because i subconsciously worry that a woman might feel awkward around me if they knew i was gay. Why, i do not know. I've never really thought about it until today. Has anyone else ever thought about it? One of the strangest thing was putting J down as my next of kin on my hospital forms, seeing as she's the only family i have here.

Oh, and i finally have a date for my breast reduction surgery, it's going to take place on 7th June! I have a pre-op assessment next Wednesday. Keep an eye out because i'm going to start a different blog about it, mainly because i've read other people's blogs about their experiences and they played a big part in my decision as to whether or not to actually have the surgery. Yay!

A well-needed update..

Wow, i haven't written anything for ages. I always log on, read other people's blogs and remain ambiguous. Things haven't changed much since I last posted, we're still together and still crazy about each other, though we did have a blip in between then and now. General life seems to get in the way of more important things. I'm home for christmas now and i miss her like crazy.

J graduates in one month, which I am really excited about, I'm extremely proud of her and I can't wait to spend the day celebrating with her. She finished uni in June and hasn't been able to find a proper graduate job, so she's been working at the cinema, but full time hours, which makes her miserable cos it is shit working there. I work 10 hours a week and its enough to make me want to scratch my eyeballs out, i admire her for sticking out 40+ hours a week, and being treated like shit. She's also constantly broke, she moved out of her parents' and in with her best mate a couple of months ago, but can't really afford it, so she barely manages to pay her bills and rent every month. It's kind of because of this that we had our little blip, though after it happened we both think it did us good.

I think we weren't used to being around each other so much after the summer. I'd been away for 3 months, and apart from the 3 weeks when she was in Malta and the week in Beni, we didn't see each other much. So when i got back to Derby, she was still living at home so we had to stay in my single bed in halls, which we did all last year, but we weren't used to it anymore, and we weren't spending the night together as much as we used to, or as much as i wanted. So for a week things were a bit weird between us, and one morning she said she needed space, but by the evening she'd texted me saying she didn't need space at all, she was just stressing about finances, and things went back to normal for a few days. Then i started to feel like she didn't want me around, we were hardly seeing each other, hardly spending the night together, and hardly having sex, which was weird for us. As i was leaving hers one day i started crying and told her that i feel like she didn't want me around, and that she didn't care about whether we were together or not. I went home and we argued about it a little bit and she asked me round the next day and we split up. I hated it, it didn't make sense to me. She seemed different and i felt like i hadn't done anything wrong but she was taking it out on me.

We were split up for two weeks, and i was miserable obviously. We talked almost every day, and she insisted she still cared about me and still loved me and she didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I tried to keep my distance, though when i did get the opportunity i did ask her why why why, and she always said she didn't know. Just before halloween (which was our anniversary, coincidentally) she texted to ask how i was and i said i was miserable, and she said she was too. We got talking and she said she's just stressed about money and she didn't want me to suffer because of it, and she was also feeling pressure from me because of it. We talked and i didn't really know where we stood, and i was too scared to ask, and the next morning she texted me asking if i would spend Sunday with her and spend Saturday night with her. And everything has literally been perfect since then. The few issues we had we managed to iron out, and we talk about absolutely everything now, and nothing comes between us.

By that time, i had managed to book a cheap flight home (Ryanair is good for something!), cos i was really badly homesick. While i was away she texted and rang me everyday, and apologised practically every time we spoke. Unfortunately, while i was at home one of our beautiful dogs, Bonnie, died of sandfly. We adopted him on Christmas Eve 2003, he was 1 and a 1/2, and he was the friendliest, calmest, most beautiful dog you will ever meet.

I miss him so much :(


When i got back to Derby she apologised again, and we talked about it and we agreed that it was good for us. I haven't been happier, just thinking about her makes me want to burst. We talk about it often, well not often, occasionally, and i think the time apart has really made us appreciate what we have, and how good we go together. Since we got back together we've been working together more, as a team, cooking, cleaning together, and laughing, joking around, being friends again as well as having some more amazing sex! We even invested in a strap on recently (which i have wanted for ages, took me a while to convince J but it was definitely worth it, and she agrees!). I made some burgers recently, she made me a nice steak meal, and we had our christmas dinner last Wednesday since we can't be together on christmas day.




Plus i still think she is the cutest, most beautiful thing ever, with the sexiest tattoos i have ever seen in my life.


Luckily i don't have to miss her too much, cos she's coming out during my last week here, on the 2nd January. Yay! I hope everyone had a better October than i did, cos mine was shit. But November and December, and the rest of 2009, has been amazing. I couldn't ask for more, but if i could, i want my dog back please.


Oh, and i finally had a body scan on Wednesday, to hopefully prove that my boobs are out of proportion on my body. You would think looking at me would be enough, but no. The results take 6-8 weeks, so fingers crossed! My back seems to have got worse since i had the scan too, it's like it knows -.-.

Finally

Tomorrow night I fly to Valencia T and our friend F, by 6.30 we'll be in Benicassim for what should be 10 of the best, most epic days ever. I finally get to see J after more than 4 weeks, and then i get to see Oasis, Kings of Leon, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Lily Allen, Boyz Noize, Glasvegas, Mystery Jets, Pete Doherty and loads more with a beer in my hand and my favourite people around me! You might realise that i'm a tad excited.

T's been worrying me a bit, she's acted exactly the same since i told her, but whenever we talk about about J, she goes a bit funny. She asked me the other day, "aren't you a bit sad that you're going to be single at Benicassim?" And i said, "no, cos i'm happy with her. If i wasn't happy then i would be, but i am so i'm not. Plus she's gonna be there so it's ok."

Then at some point we talking about sex, and she said "that's not real sex no is it." Well, not technically, but it's fucking better than hetero sex! And she keeps asking me how i can be sure, and she doesn't really pay attention, at least that's how i feel, when i talk about her. And when i told her that i want her to like J, because obviously it's important to me that my best friend likes my girlfriend, and she said it doesn't matter, if i'm happy she'll be happy for me. And then she said that i haven't liked some of her ex boyfriends, and i said yes, cos they treated you like shit! And J treats me really well and is really good for me, and goes out of her way to make me happy, so there isn't any reason why she shouldn't like her.

Ah well. At least I know my other friends are going to make an effort with her. I told H that J's nervous to meet everyone, and she said there's obviously something i like about her, so they're bound to like her too. I love my friends. And T obviously, i just hope she doesn't act weird around J, especially since she's going to be in Beni too. Ah well, we'll see. I probably won't be blogging for quite a while, so i hope everyone has a good few weeks! x

Coming out part 2 & TMI Tuesday #193

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?
None, i don't drive.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?
None, girly pants please.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
Yes, but i wasn't working at the time. J and i work in the cinema and we get two free tickets each a week, and she went down on me while we were watching confessions of a shopaholic. The film was crap so we needed some extra entertainment :)

4. Do you or your so own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?
No, but my ex had one so i have been on one. Only once or twice though, and i did wear a helmet.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?
Loads of times! Its essential in this heat.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?
Nopes




Coming out part 2

On Sunday night Moby played in Malta (and Deadmau5, for anyone who might know of him). Unmissable, obviously. I went with T and some of her friends, and spent most of the day at her house beforehand. We had a taxi coming at 8pm and planned to get steaming drunk before, so we opened a bottle of rose at 3.30pm before the others arrived. At about 7pm we opened a bottle of vodka and poured half of it into a plastic bottle and topped it up with orange juice. We met the taxi, piled in and continued drinking till we got there, and then on the way down, somehow the topic turned to J and my sexuality. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when i'm drunk.

T told me she'd guessed from facebook and twitter (emerging pattern! i always thought we were quite subtle on facebook!) and that she'd asked her dad and Sue who works with us what they thought (ohhh the awkwardness). She also said that my brother mentioned to her that i'd slept with J and that she was waiting for me to tell her myself. She then said that she got a bit offended that i took so long to tell her cos she is my best friend after all. To which i replied that i was really scared she'd act differently towards me and she said as if she would, i'm her best friend, her big sister and she loves me no matter what. Then the conversation got a bit weird.

T said she would never have imagined me to be gay and that she didn't think J looked like my type, from facebook. She thinks she looks too butch for me! Not that there's anything wrong with butch, but J isn't really butch at all, and in my drunken state i started squealing in her defense. T then went on another weird road, where she said she's worried about me being in a relationship with a girl cos she doesn't want me to hurt her. Fair enough. She said what if i'm not sure what if i'm not sure if i'm gay or not and decide that i'm not and then break her heart? I said we've been together for 8 months, if i had wanted cock it would've happened by now. She argued that i still fancy men (which i do) so how can i be sure? It was all rather strange, i wish it hadn't had happened when we were both fucked but at least it's done and she's acting exactly the same as before. I do worry that she won't like J though, which will kill me. She's added J on facebook though, so that's a plus.

J had said, before i'd told more of my friends, that she was worried that they wouldn't like me, but now that they know we're together she's even more worried. I told H this the other day and she said if i like her than they're bound to like her too. I love that girl. So we'll have to wait and see.

I can't wait to see her now. It's been almost three weeks and because she's never been in Malta with me, it also feels as if my relationship with her is just a dream, it almost doesn't feel real anymore. I really can. Not. Wait. Roll on July and Beni!

Have I turned bi??

I was talking (on msn) to a guy who i slept with about year ago. Just the normal small talk, how's uni, how's work, what's Malta like bla bla. I told him the weather was nice here, but it got a bit cold today. Then i said well, my girlfriend told me that it was sunny and warm back in england, so he wasn't missing much. He replied that it wasn't that warm in england, and then asked me, "have you turned bi?" Turned bi?? I didn't have time to reply to him because i was using my phone and my battery dies as soon as he said that. I went to get my laptop so i could reply but it has too much shit on it and takes an age to start up nowadays, and by the time i got back on msn he was gone.

Turned bi?? Maybe turned gay but how can you be turned bi? This is really starting to confuse me now. Surely i've always been bi. It can't be that all of sudden, on that specific day when I drunkenly kissed J in the middle of a club, i had just suddenly 'turned bi'. Since we slept together i haven't really liked this guy (R). He was a bit patronising and i was drunk and rebounding, the sex was crap and he was disgustingly skinny and i've always held this against him. He rarely talks to me and only ever does if he wants to meet up with, and me being rather untrusting of men i always assume he wants one thing.

The more i think about it, the more i think i must have always been bi, i just never found a woman who i liked, before J.

We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.

The strangeness and confusingness of it all

I'm in a frustrated mood. I cried a lot yesterday and a bit today, and I haven't cried in ages because I've been so happy recently. And then I lose my temper, and even though she's acting normal, there's just something a bit off. We do spend a lot of time together, and fair enough she's spending the evening with her best mate, but I don't know when I'm going to see her, plus we've only spent one proper day together in ages. It's just that I'm going home in a week, and just before yesterday things were brilliant. But anyway I'm just making a fuss. She annoyed me because about a month ago I asked her if she wanted to come with me to dinner for my friend's birthday, and she very obvioulsy didn't want to but said she would, because obviously I want her there. A couple of weeks ago I told her I was going to book the night off work and she told me to book hers off too, so I did. Then yesterday she got annoyed cos she has less hours cos she has the Saturday off. Why do people do that? Why did she tell me she'd come with me when she didn't really want to? But anyway...

I still find it strange that I'm so in love with her. Everytime I see her smile my heart literally skips a beat, and whenever we're not together I can't stop thinking about her. Like now. Considering I'd never had feelings for another woman before it still feels a bit surreal when I think about it. And usually things are amazing between us, the cheesy annoying kind of great where you just stare at each other and smile like a twat.

I really wish she was staying over tonight.