Wow!

I have 50 followers! I don't really know what else to say about it except thank you everyone for being interested in me!

This week has been a good week so far. J started her new job on Monday and she's really enjoying it, which means she's been really happy and cheerful all week, which means so have I. She was only given part time hours at first, but they've given her Thursday and Friday too which means after April she can finally leave the cinema. The sun is starting to shine, the sky is getting bluer, and the air is slowly getting warmer, all is good :).

Apart from the fact that, as always, i can't focus and have no motivation to do my uni work. My deadlines and exams are looming and i just can't be bothered. which is not good. I did well last semester (I got A, B+ and a B), so i have a good chance of getting a good degree result, though i need to get my head down and read read read.

On top of that, my breast reduction is taking place on 7th June. I'm petrified! I had my pre-operative assessment yesterday and i've put on weight, so the nurse told me i need to lose some just in case (just in case they decide after all not give me the op). Grrr. It's not even a lot that i've put on, and it's just down to laziness, but i'm not happy about it. Ah well, it just has to be done. I also saw the ward that i would be staying in, and it's a cancer ward. I feel a little bit like an intruder, considering most of the patients who are going to be in there are ones who really need treatment, whereas my op isn't essential. But anyways, i'm just happy it's finally getting done, even if i am scared about what life is going to be like with normal-sized boobs. What if i don't like them? Or if i can't recognise myself without them? Ah, i'll just have to wait and see i guess.

Shoulder to cry on

There are many things that annoy me, but right now, being there for someone is really annoying. I feel a little bit unappreciated and it's really, really starting to annoy me.

I mentioned in my vlog a couple of weeks ago that J had a job interview which she got, yay! I'm so glad, she's been really unhappy at the cinema and hopefully at the end of the month she can leave the place for good. However she still doesn't seem to have cheered up, and i'm there for her no matter what but when she starts taking her stress out on me it gets really hard and makes me want to slap her to at least get some coherent words out of her.

She had work at the cinema today and i went to meet A for lunch. She managed to finish work early and join us for lunch, which i paid for. She seemed to be in a good mood over lunch, laughing and joking and acting normal. Then we went to look for trousers for her new job and after she tried a couple of pairs on she got really mardy and starting sulking and snapping at me. I asked her if she was ok and she just said "oh i'm never going to find a pair of trousers." We walked home together and she didn't say two words to me so i decided to come home, i have work to do anyway. Before i left i asked her again if she was ok because she looked upset and she said she was fine. I left it a couple of hours and then texted her and asked her of she was ok again and again she said she's alright, to which i replied you don't seem alright and she never replied.

Why do people act like this?? She's clearly not ok, and she usually tells me why. I don't even know what to say, i'm annoyed and i needed to rant and i wish my girlfriend wasn't an emotional cripple.

Vlog experiment

So i've decided to try vlogging, i even edited the video, not brilliantly, and it took me ages, but maybe listening to me for 4 minutes will be more enjoyable for you than reading pages of words! Tell me what you think, be gentle lol :)

Is it alright for me to feel this way?

Yesterday i started watching season 1 of The L Word again, skipping the bits i found boring, ie. anything involving Jenny (except her sex scenes with Marina of course). I spent the majority afternoon watching episodes 4 till 10, when i should have been reading up about discourse analysis for my IS (independent studies - my dissertation/thesis whatever you want to call it).

J went to Leeds festival this weekend, which i am quite jealous of cos Kings of Leon played/are playing tonight, and they were meant to play at Beni, but had to cancel cos of strong winds. Because of strong winds! T, F and I queued for about 6 hours to make sure we got right to front, right near the barriers, all to be told we had to fuck off back to our tents cos they were scared that the stage was going to fall apart and the equipment wasn't working well. Not happy! So cos J was away for the weekend we've hardly talked, except for a couple of texts. So now i'm looking forward to go home so we can talk again after almost a week. On Wednesday my mum and i are going to Sicily for a week, i'm really excited, i'm looking forward to getting away, and hopefully i'll pluck up the courage to come out to her while we're there, bonding over good food, good wine, and even better shopping. We come back the Wednesday after, and the Monday after that (which would be two weeks from tomorrow) i finally go back to Derby.

I'm really looking forward to going back, if only to be able to be out properly and not have to worry about coming out to anyone, or introducing J as my friend, i can hold her hand in public and across the table when we go out for dinner. Just the little things that we couldn't while she was here. I'm not particularily looking forward to my final year of uni, or the idea of making decisions about my future when i've finished, but ah, such is life.

I also have a feeling that two of our cats are gay. They are both girls and are constantly together and rubbing up against each other the way cats do, bump heads, rub bodies. But that is not the extent of it! Have you ever seen a male and female cat flirting? We have loads of cats, they come and eat our food, often uninvited, so i have been witness to plenty of feline flirting. The female cat rolls around on her back meowing, while the male cat sits and watches. Kind of like a feline lap dancer, or exotic dancer. Today, these two female cats rolled around in that way together, rubbing their heads together as they did it, then they lay on their stomachs facing each other and rubbed noses, licked each others paws, play fought, the works. I am absolutely convinced they have seen the light and have fallen madly in love with each other. I said this to my mother, and she laughed at me. Pah.

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

Home is where the heart is.

I'm back home! I'm one year older than i was when i was here last time. And i'm a litle bit sad. But i'll not go into it cos i can imagine how bored you're all getting of my missing J stuff..

Well i got another result back and i got a B+! I'm very happy with that, even though with one more mark it would have been A- and that would have looked even better but anyway. Hopefully if i get between a C+ and B+ on my other two modules then my 2:1 isn't looking so impossible after all!

So that has cheered me up a bit. I'm still petrified about third year though. I emailed the lecturer who's supervising my IS (its Independent Studies, that's dissertation or thesis or whatever you want to call it) because i was meant to get her to physically sign my sign up sheet and then take it to the lecturer who supervises the IS module, but i'm home now and won't be back till September, so that's fucked it hasn't it lol. And i have to get an enhanced CRB which she said could take months to get done. Just brilliant.

Anyway, we had quite a nice last day together yesterday (see i couldn't keep off the subject for long lol). In the morning we carted all my crap from my house to J's friend's house, which took us more than 3 hours, and my shoulders and back are really suffering cos of it now. Once we'd finally got that done we showered and went to meet a couple of friends from work for coffee, where we decided to have cocktails instead to reward ourselves after the long morning. Then we went shopping a bit, well J went shopping. Then we went back to her friends house and waited till it was time for me to leave.

And now i'm here and it's boiling, it's so hot. I'm not used to this heat anymore. Last year i came home in May, so it was still not this hot and got weened into the heat. This year i was just thrown into it. And the heat here is a really damp, humid one, so when it's really hot it feels really stuffy. Anyway, i'm just going to look forward to Beni and for J to come.

Happy summer everyone! Sorry for my depresing tones lol.

emotional polarity

I'm happy, but not happy at the same time. J took me to Alton Towers for my birthday on Monday, and it was incredible! I absolutely loved it, it was the best birthday present ever! We had such an amazing day, just the two of us with nothing to worry about.

However, as always, an amazing day can't just remain an amazing day can it? Just before we left i went to get my camera out of my back and it was soaked. I had a can of Relentless (which is like Red Bull) in my bag and somehow it had burst and my camera (which i bought over christmas) and my phone (which i got only back in March) were completely soaked. We took the batteries and cards and stuff out and dried them and when we got back to hers i tried to switch them on but they stayed off. Luckily my phone seems to be working again now, but the camera isn't and my laptop's still fucked. Buuttt anyway.

Yesterday J planned a little surprise party for me at K's flat :). They made some epic mexican food. Nachos to start with and then burritos and stuffed peppers. On top of the party and Alton Towers, she also bought me a dress for my birthday, i really can't believe how much she's done for over the past couple of days. The only person who's ever made such a fuss over me on my brithday is my mum! Lol.
The reason i'm feeling a little bit sad is because i'm going home tomorrow. I hated being away from her for a week in Aberdeen let alone not seeing her for a month. Plus i didn't do as well on one of my essays as i thought i would, and i'm a bit upset about it. Luckily we had a presentation to do to and that took my grade up to a C+ but now it's making me worry about all my other grades. Plus i'm in one of those "i can't see the point" moods. I'm looking forward to going home only to see my parents, i really just want to spend the first couple of weeks at home but i don't think my friends would like it. Also i'm not looking forward to having noone know that J and I are together. I've told everyone what she's done for me for my birthday but it's not the same, i really want them to know how amazing she is but i still don't have the guts to tell them. Then i have to start work and even though i enjoy it, work is still work. Then i have to worry about preparing for my final uni year next year, which i am dreading. If i don't get a 2:1 at least i really think my mum will kill me. Then i have to worry about what i want to do after uni cos that's only a year away, and if i want to continue studying i have to apply in October.
Eugh, plus to top it all off i've got my period. Greeaaat. And i'm worried i'm gonna have to pay overwight on my luggage.

I hope everyone else is a little bit more cheerful than i am! I have to go and finish packing all my crap and wait for J to finish work. The one good thing about going home is hopefully i can start blogging regularly again and keeping up with everyone else! Happy Wednesday, and Happy B'day to me lol :)

The relief

Oh my god, i almost had a premature heart attack yesterday. After spending a week writing this stupid essay on schizophrenia, i thought i'd lost it. Luckily i'd just saved it in the wrong folder, but my god. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought i was going to have to stay up all night and rewrite the fucking thing cos it was due in today. Luckily i found it, so i took J out for dinner to celebrate and we spent the night at her friend's house, in a double bed! Ahh the luxury!

I still feel so completely happy with her, being with her just makes me excited about everything and anything. Next weekend we're going to Birmingham for our friend's birthday and i can't wait :). Unfortunately i have a research proposal and an interview analysis in for Friday, so i have to get those done before i can think about Birmingham. Boo

If anyone would like to read my essay, i'm rather happy with it, they can do by clicking here. It's about antipsychotic drugs and schizophrenia.

I have to have a shower and go to work. Yay.

Everlasting boredom

My essay's due in tomorrow and i haven't finished it yet and i just can't seem to focus on it. I feel like a social hermit, all i do is go to uni, work and back home. I haven't even seen J since Friday, except for like half an hour at uni on Monday, cos she's been at home writing her dissertation.

I. Can't. Be. Bothered!

I don't understand anything and i definitely don't enjoy this part of psychology. I just need to get it over with and move on to the next one. And obviously cos i've not been doing very much i don't really have anything to blog about!

Also, my back's been worse than it's been for a long time. I think it's aggrevated by the stress (as well as the boobs). It's the kind of pain where if you move too much, you end up stuck in that position. Like an 80 year old woman. And i'm 19.

On the upside, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and i'm going to practically beg for them to give me a breast reduction. Fingers crossed!

Wednesday Weirdness #52

1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase?
It used to be condoms. But i haven't bought any in ages. Like a year and a half.

2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most?
Erm, i guess it would be the lesbian equivalent of missionary.

3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off?
Slip them off, then untie and re-tie the shoes when i put them back on.

4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident?
I have no idea. That's good! Hope this doesn't jynx me though....

5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why?
A finger, cos it wouldn't show too much.

6.) How do you feel about anal sex?
I've never tried it, and it doesn't seem very appealing. But i gues i can't knock it till i've tried it can i. At least that's what i'm told.

7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why?
Probably the ability to know when people are lying. I have a bit of a phobia about being lied to. I get paranoid that whoever i'm with will make a fool of me. I'm a trusting person, it's just if i suspect something (which isn't very often) then i'll want to find out asap. And i'm usually right, which isn't always a good thing.


In other news...

J didn't come over last night, and i was really looking forward to seeing her cos i'd spent the day inside trying to read about IPA and DP. Ah wellllll.

Plus last night i realised how insecure i feel sometimes. Basically worries that she'll get bored of me, or find someone who she'd rather be with. My ex broke up with me to be with someone else, and he lied about it (that's where the lying paranoia came from). So i had a bit of a cry because i'm such an idiot, and i've woken up and my eyes are massively swollen! Fucking men :@

Londontown

Now usually, i absolutely fucking LOVE london. Everything about it, the hustle and bustle, the lights, the traffic, the tube, the football and definitely the shopping. So my lovely dad got me a ticket for the FA cup semi-final today (which we won thank god, otherwise i'd have been mighty pissed off) and obviously i wanted to come, no hesitation. However, my mum wasn't too keen on me going to a footie match on my own, so my dad and i havent told her. She thinks i've been at work all day. I feel so bad for lying to my mum, but i know that if she knew the truth it would cause arguments back home. So anyway, the point of this is, as much as i love london and football, today has been an excessively stressful day. It took me almost 3 hours to get back to my friend's, where i'm staying for the night. The match lasts 90 minutes! I've spent more time travelling than actually watching football. Then they'd waited for me to have dinner, but i'd already eaten. I felt so bad, so i didn't tell them and said i was feeling ill. I've never felt more uncomfortable in london. Plus i've turned into a love sick puppy and miss J loads. What is this world coming to?! I have no hope! Oh, and i'm feeling more stressed than ever about uni work :(

Waterworks

I'm really stressing out at the moment, i have so much uni work to do but there doesn't seem to be any time. I want to have a life and still manage to do my work, but cos i've been home for 2 weeks i've done fuck all and now i'm feeling really stressed, the kind that makes my heart feel like it isn't strong enough and my lungs feel like they're not taking in enough oxygen. That plus my hormones means i started crying about half an hour ago and now i cant stop. Plus i'm worrying about my finances, cos i've had 2 weeks off work so i'm going to have 2 weeks with no pay cheque. Brilliant. Plus it also means i'll have to work more hours to make up for it, which means less time to do my 7 lovely assignments. I also want to spend time with J cos i'm coming back home in June and i won't see her till July.. There isn't any time to do anything!!

Add to that my terrible procrastination habit and i stand no chance.