The trouble with boobs

I am a pretty confident person, and generally i'm very happy with my body. The only problem is my boobs. My boobs are massive, they've always been big for my age, i was a C cup at 11, but now they're big for anyone's age. I'm an english size 30J (which i just checked, you'd be surprised how hard it is to find bra size conversions, is an american 30M), and one of my boobs is twice the size of Baby Boy's 5 and a half month old head. I only own one bra in 30J, i wear 34G bras only because all the bras made in the very big sizes look like kites plus they don't really suit 19 year olds. At least i don't think so.

I have back problems because of them. My lower back hurts if i bend down and carry heavy things, especially heavy shopping. The centre of my back constantly aches and if i lie, stand or sit straight up it aches even more. I have to sleep curled up otherwise i'll hardly be able to move when i get out of bed. J complains sometimes because i curl up when i sleep cos that doesn't give her much space when we sleep in my single bed at halls. I explain to her that i can't help it and she understands that there isn't anything i can do it about.

A few months ago i went to one of the GPs at the university to see what i had to do to get a breast reduction on the NHS (ie. for free, im a student, i can't afford to pay for one). The doctor told me he'd refer me to the physiotherapy department at the local hospital and i'd have to undergo a full treatment of physio, to see if they can help my back problems. He said that if they couldn't helo me i'd then have to see a psychologist to see if my boobs were causing me psychological distress, then they's have to analyse my body to make sure they're 'out of place' on my body (doesn't take a genius to notice that - i'm 5'2", my hips are 31-32" and my waist is 30, whilst my boobs must be about 38").

This was in October, before J and i even met, and the referral didn't come till December. I went for my first session a week before i came home for christmas, and the woman who saw me that day seemed in favour of the surgery. She mentioned a friend of hers, who's in her 50s, recently had hers reduced and she wishes she had done ti when she was younger. Anyway, she asked me about my back pain, where it was, how it was aggravated, how bad it was etc. Just before i left she told em she was too busy so i would start seeing another physio, her name's Abi, she's young and so she can relate to me. She also gave me some exercises to do, and sent me on my way. I saw her once just before i went home and she told me to crack my back and buy a gym ball to use cos i needed to work on my glutenous muscles (or something, basically my ass muscles).

So over christmas i cracked my back, because that actually felt good, but i didn't do any of the exercises cos obviously i didn't want the exercises to work, cos then all this would've been for nothing. I went back after christmas and Abi told me the exercises had worked cos she could feel a difference in my muscles (wtf?? i didn't actually do anything hello!!). So she sent me away with even more exercises which i didn't plan to do. After i saw her 2 or 3 more times she told me she was leaving and i'd be transferred to yet another physio. So two weeks later i went back and the latest physio asked me what i had been told to do. I told her i cracked my back and i was given exercises to work my muscles. She told me that doing that is probably making the back pain worse (brilliant!) so all she told me to do was make sure i sleep curled up (which i did already, plus i thought that made it worse anyway, stretching the muscles even more?? who knows) and she told me to try sleeping on the floor, ie. put my mattress on the floor. Err, what? I was getting so much conflicting advice, and for a 19 year old living in a foreign country with no parents there to guide me, i had no idea what to do. So i didn't do anything.

My next appointment was two weeks later and i completely forgot about it, so i haven't been since then. A private operation costs at least £5000, so i'm just going to have to go back to a GP and explain the physio situation. Hopefully i'll be able to get it done with just a GP, psychologist and surgeon reference. As if those three weren't enough!

This is me a couple of days ago, ignore the bulging belly, just look at the boobs lol.


This is H and me on New Year's Eve. I loved that dress, except for the fact that boobs kept threatening to escape.


And finally this is me when I was 15, I was already a 32G then.


I'm used to the extra attention they give me now, men shouting things at me on the street, bus drivers scaring the life out of me by honking their fucking horns when i walk past them. It doesn't happen so much in England, but it always happens in Malta. I was teased at school, but i was quite a hard nut and gave as good as i got. Or just ignored it. The favourite was sofa (my name's Sophie) and cushions. Anyway, fingers crossed, when i go back i'll find a doctor who can make it easy for me.

Also, here are some blogs that i've found interesting, they're about breast reductions.

http://thereductionquest.blogspot.com/
http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/weblog.php?w=349

Obviously there are many more, but these are the only ones that really got me reading.

Wednesday Weirdness #50

1.) What condiment goes best with french fries?
Ewww none, just loads of salt.

2.) What condiment do you feel best represents your personality?
Probably sweet chilli sauce.

3.) If the love of your life was a different religion from you, would you convert for them if they asked you to?
If I loved them enough, yes.

4.) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Chocolate

5.) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, i'm terrified of dying, i'd rather it surprises me.

6.) If you could change your eye color to anything in the world you wanted, what would you change it to?
Dark blue

7.) Are you more often the partner in crime or the good conscience with your friends and family?
Good conscience in the family, partner in crime with my friends.

In other news..

Our cat, Maggie, had five kittens this morning, and they all look exactly like her! She's black and white and all five of them are black and white. My mum's really proud of her because she set up a box with an old fur throw inside for her to have them in, and she did! She's like a doting grandmother. She fed her as soon as she gave birth and checks on them to make sure they all have a nipple to suckle on, and tickles the cat to keep her comfy. She also put another box with an old towel into their little room cos she thinks the other box is too dirty for them (its covered in birth obviously) so she's leaving the box there for Maggie to decide whether to move them or not.

I was just watching QI with my mum, and they showed a clip of a moonwalking bird, which really impressed me! So here it is to impress you.

Have I turned bi??

I was talking (on msn) to a guy who i slept with about year ago. Just the normal small talk, how's uni, how's work, what's Malta like bla bla. I told him the weather was nice here, but it got a bit cold today. Then i said well, my girlfriend told me that it was sunny and warm back in england, so he wasn't missing much. He replied that it wasn't that warm in england, and then asked me, "have you turned bi?" Turned bi?? I didn't have time to reply to him because i was using my phone and my battery dies as soon as he said that. I went to get my laptop so i could reply but it has too much shit on it and takes an age to start up nowadays, and by the time i got back on msn he was gone.

Turned bi?? Maybe turned gay but how can you be turned bi? This is really starting to confuse me now. Surely i've always been bi. It can't be that all of sudden, on that specific day when I drunkenly kissed J in the middle of a club, i had just suddenly 'turned bi'. Since we slept together i haven't really liked this guy (R). He was a bit patronising and i was drunk and rebounding, the sex was crap and he was disgustingly skinny and i've always held this against him. He rarely talks to me and only ever does if he wants to meet up with, and me being rather untrusting of men i always assume he wants one thing.

The more i think about it, the more i think i must have always been bi, i just never found a woman who i liked, before J.

We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.

Saturday Survey (very early on a Sunday morning)

Taken from Amorous Rocker

How old will you turn in 2010?
21.


Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Not to my face!


What's the connection between you and the last person to text you?
She's one of my best mates, she's like my baby sister.


Have you been disappointed by anyone in the last week?
Only myself (fucking essays).


When was the last time someone of the opposite sex that isn't related to you gave you a hug?
Yesterday, i met a guy i fooled around with in the summer at the bus stop.


When is the last time you spoke to your boss?
A week ago.


Do you have any framed photographs hanging on the walls?
Here, yes. Me when I was 2.


Have you had sex in the last 48 hours?
Grrr, no. My girlfriend's in a different country.


Have you showered with anyone in the last 48 hours?
No

Would you like to put yesterday on repeat and live it forever?
Yesterday was a good day, but not that good. So no. Plus J wasn't involved, I wouldn't be able to live with that.


What kind of licorice do you like?
None.


Do you like salt water taffy?
Never tasted it.


Have you ever tried committing suicide?
Nope


Are you jealous of anyone at the moment?
Not at all.


Are you cynical?
Not really.


Do you believe there is a great purpose in life?
I like to think so. Otherwise, what's the point?


Would you ever date someone who was completely different from you?
Yes.

Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
Yeah.


Have illegal drugs ever entered your bloodstream?
No, I'm very scared to try any too. Knowing my luck it'll go wrong the very first time, even if i never intend to take any ever again.


Have you ever licked a photo?
I used to lick a poster of Justin Timberlake when i was 13. Does that count?

America's Next Top Model

Yesterday I decided to start watching the new series of America's Next Top Model (ANTM), the series that's going out in the US at the moment. Aren't I glad I did! There's one of the most gorgeous girls on there, her name's Fo, she's half black and half mexican, and the first girl i've seen (famous or not) that has made me think "Wow!", apart from J.



During the make over show, they cut her hair really short, but her face looks gorgeous anyway.



That's all lol!