I'm really stressing out at the moment, i have so much uni work to do but there doesn't seem to be any time. I want to have a life and still manage to do my work, but cos i've been home for 2 weeks i've done fuck all and now i'm feeling really stressed, the kind that makes my heart feel like it isn't strong enough and my lungs feel like they're not taking in enough oxygen. That plus my hormones means i started crying about half an hour ago and now i cant stop. Plus i'm worrying about my finances, cos i've had 2 weeks off work so i'm going to have 2 weeks with no pay cheque. Brilliant. Plus it also means i'll have to work more hours to make up for it, which means less time to do my 7 lovely assignments. I also want to spend time with J cos i'm coming back home in June and i won't see her till July.. There isn't any time to do anything!!
Add to that my terrible procrastination habit and i stand no chance.
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Monday, 13 April 2009
Meme
Taken from Holden :)
Five names you go by
Sophie
Pupa
Soph
Micallef
errr..
Three things you are wearing right now
pjs, pants, socks
Three things you want very badly at the moment
Jodie
Jodie
Jodie
Two people who will probably fill this out
Ma, non lo so!
Two things you did last night
Watched pathology, ate poptarts
Two things you ate today
McDonald's meal, pasta
Two people you last talked to on the phone
J and my mum.
Two things you are doing tomorrow
Working on my presentation and packing to go back to Derby :D
Two longest car rides
From London to Liverpool, and Derby to Aberdeen (though that was a train ride)
Two of your favourite beverages
Coke and cider
Five names you go by
Sophie
Pupa
Soph
Micallef
errr..
Three things you are wearing right now
pjs, pants, socks
Three things you want very badly at the moment
Jodie
Jodie
Jodie
Two people who will probably fill this out
Ma, non lo so!
Two things you did last night
Watched pathology, ate poptarts
Two things you ate today
McDonald's meal, pasta
Two people you last talked to on the phone
J and my mum.
Two things you are doing tomorrow
Working on my presentation and packing to go back to Derby :D
Two longest car rides
From London to Liverpool, and Derby to Aberdeen (though that was a train ride)
Two of your favourite beverages
Coke and cider
Photo updates
On the upside, the kittens are adorable, they're one week old tomorrow.
Mother and babies.
Two of them, hard to make them out cos they're all black and white.
I hope they open their eyes before i leave on Wednesday.
Two of them, hard to make them out cos they're all black and white.
I hope they open their eyes before i leave on Wednesday.
Belonging
All i can think about is being with her, lying in bed facing her and smiling at her. Watching her pout in her sleep. Kissing the swallows behind her ears and the stars on either side of her stomach. Rubbing her back and her legs and gently blowing in her ear. Holding her hand and laughing at ridiculous things. I just really hate being away from her.
I feel guilty for wanting to leave home, but i miss her so much. Her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. And just being able to be with her without having to hide our relationship. To be able to walk down the street holding her hand, and eat out and hold hands across the table, kiss her as we walk down the street. Talk about her openly as the beautiful woman i love, not my 'friend'.
I go back on Wednesday, and then i come back home in less than 2 months, and we wont see each other for more than a month. I'm dreading it already.
I feel guilty for wanting to leave home, but i miss her so much. Her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. And just being able to be with her without having to hide our relationship. To be able to walk down the street holding her hand, and eat out and hold hands across the table, kiss her as we walk down the street. Talk about her openly as the beautiful woman i love, not my 'friend'.
I go back on Wednesday, and then i come back home in less than 2 months, and we wont see each other for more than a month. I'm dreading it already.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Morning dreams come true, cos I wake up next to you
Do you ever get days, or short-term spells where you are completely obsessed with one song? Well, it's 2.21am here, and for the past few hours i have been listening to Morning Dreams by Ladyhawke over and over and over and over and over again. It's a kind of modern 80s electro pop thing, and i love it. It's really relaxing and reminds me of all my favourite 80s songs, plus it embodies exactly how i feel at the moment, basically about J.
Friday, 10 April 2009
Dear Good Friday,
I'm writing to tell you what a lovely, albeit a little bit awkward, day you were. Even though we are catholic, my immediate family don't do anything on Good Friday. My brother fucked off to smoke weed with his friends in Gozo, my dad did his best to avoid staying in and my mum stayed in with the cats and dogs. I was invited, quite a while ago (at Christmas in fact), to my best friend's house for lunch. I work at her parent's restaurant and they love me so they took me out for dinner when i was home for Christmas and invited me for Good Friday lunch then.
So my best mate, T, doesn't know about J yet. I'm nervous to tell her because on a drunken night out we've often ended up sharing a snog, and one of the last times this happened she told me the next day that i had got really into it, i was feeling her up and everything! When she told me this, i just laughed it off cos, well, in my mind i was a straight girl who knew how to have a bit of fun. Now that i am very, very, very in love with a woman i don't want her to act differently with me.
On top of that, last summer T introduced me to one of her best mates, he was a new best friend that's why i'd never met him before, and they met because she crashed his mother's car. Yes. She crashed his mother's car. The second time she met him. His mum adores her now, but at the time it wasn't so funny. Anyway, i'm rambling now lol. So at the beginning of last summer she introduced him to me, and i practically fell in love with him within a week. I'd been 'playing the field' shall we say after my ex and i broke up and didn't really meet anyone i actually liked, just people i wanted to fool around with. And then i met him. Tall, a face carved out of stone with a body to match, a deep, Vin Dieselesque type of voice, plus brains. I could not resist him. Me being the prize twat that i am, i ended up in bed with him after a couple of weeks and became so obsessed with this poor boy that im ashamed even thinking about it now. I've never been the obsessive girlfriend type, but i had just been dumped for someone else and rejection wasn't exactly what i needed. But it is what i got. We never slept together again but we kept meeting up, having sleepovers, and kissing on nightclub balconies. Then one day i saw him with another girl. Now we weren't actually together, and i knew that, but i was drunk and i flipped. And for at least a month following i angrily texted him every time i was drunk. He ignored me for the rest of the summer.
I got over him pretty quickly, i knew it was just a lusting, horny crush and i managed to get over it and stay away from him to avoid embarrassment. T and i fought a couple of times because of him, cos i was convinced he was in love with her because they're so close, and would often tell her this when i was drunk. Between the summer and now, i only saw him once, on New Year's Eve, when i was nursing a very drunk T on the side of the road and he stopped to say Happy New Year.
So back to now. T warned me a couple of days ago that he was going to be there, and i was a bit taken aback that she felt she had to warn me. I wanted to tell her that i'm happier than i've ever been, than he could ever make me, and i'm in love! But i couldn't and i just said, look, i'm over it and i have been for a while now.
When I arrived today he was already there and we said hi and how are things bla bla. By the time we sat down for our 6 (yes, 6! i love T's dad) courses, T sat down and i went to sit next her and Hunk went to sit next to me. T whispered in my ear "shall we change places?" AAARRGGHH!! NOOOOO I wanted to scream! You make one mistake and look what happens! I told her again, look T, no! I'm over it! And again i wanted to scream i'm in love with the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman and i don't need to be pitied thanks! And sure enough, sitting next to him was fine! We chatted, joked, and acted as if nothing had ever happened (phew, the sex wasn't that good, so i like to forget).
Again, the point of this post, as with so many others, is the scariness of coming out. How did you all do it?? I'm considering doing it by email! That's how chicken i am now!
In other news, the kittens are the most adorable things i've seen ages. I'll have to post a photo soon. Luckily they all seem to be healthy after only four days of life. Very squirmy, all five of them.
With all my love,
Newbo
So my best mate, T, doesn't know about J yet. I'm nervous to tell her because on a drunken night out we've often ended up sharing a snog, and one of the last times this happened she told me the next day that i had got really into it, i was feeling her up and everything! When she told me this, i just laughed it off cos, well, in my mind i was a straight girl who knew how to have a bit of fun. Now that i am very, very, very in love with a woman i don't want her to act differently with me.
On top of that, last summer T introduced me to one of her best mates, he was a new best friend that's why i'd never met him before, and they met because she crashed his mother's car. Yes. She crashed his mother's car. The second time she met him. His mum adores her now, but at the time it wasn't so funny. Anyway, i'm rambling now lol. So at the beginning of last summer she introduced him to me, and i practically fell in love with him within a week. I'd been 'playing the field' shall we say after my ex and i broke up and didn't really meet anyone i actually liked, just people i wanted to fool around with. And then i met him. Tall, a face carved out of stone with a body to match, a deep, Vin Dieselesque type of voice, plus brains. I could not resist him. Me being the prize twat that i am, i ended up in bed with him after a couple of weeks and became so obsessed with this poor boy that im ashamed even thinking about it now. I've never been the obsessive girlfriend type, but i had just been dumped for someone else and rejection wasn't exactly what i needed. But it is what i got. We never slept together again but we kept meeting up, having sleepovers, and kissing on nightclub balconies. Then one day i saw him with another girl. Now we weren't actually together, and i knew that, but i was drunk and i flipped. And for at least a month following i angrily texted him every time i was drunk. He ignored me for the rest of the summer.
I got over him pretty quickly, i knew it was just a lusting, horny crush and i managed to get over it and stay away from him to avoid embarrassment. T and i fought a couple of times because of him, cos i was convinced he was in love with her because they're so close, and would often tell her this when i was drunk. Between the summer and now, i only saw him once, on New Year's Eve, when i was nursing a very drunk T on the side of the road and he stopped to say Happy New Year.
So back to now. T warned me a couple of days ago that he was going to be there, and i was a bit taken aback that she felt she had to warn me. I wanted to tell her that i'm happier than i've ever been, than he could ever make me, and i'm in love! But i couldn't and i just said, look, i'm over it and i have been for a while now.
When I arrived today he was already there and we said hi and how are things bla bla. By the time we sat down for our 6 (yes, 6! i love T's dad) courses, T sat down and i went to sit next her and Hunk went to sit next to me. T whispered in my ear "shall we change places?" AAARRGGHH!! NOOOOO I wanted to scream! You make one mistake and look what happens! I told her again, look T, no! I'm over it! And again i wanted to scream i'm in love with the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman and i don't need to be pitied thanks! And sure enough, sitting next to him was fine! We chatted, joked, and acted as if nothing had ever happened (phew, the sex wasn't that good, so i like to forget).
Again, the point of this post, as with so many others, is the scariness of coming out. How did you all do it?? I'm considering doing it by email! That's how chicken i am now!
In other news, the kittens are the most adorable things i've seen ages. I'll have to post a photo soon. Luckily they all seem to be healthy after only four days of life. Very squirmy, all five of them.
With all my love,
Newbo
Thursday, 9 April 2009
The few days when i hate being a girl
I'm freezing, i have a splitting headache, and at any point i may start crying, for no reason. Yep, it's that time of the month. My head is throbbing, and i am waiting in fear of the inevitable cramps. Plus no matter how much i wash, i always feel filthy. And not the good kind of filthy.
If i could get rid of this one week every month (while obviously still keeping the ability to have kids one day) then my life would be perfect.
If i could get rid of this one week every month (while obviously still keeping the ability to have kids one day) then my life would be perfect.
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