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Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Some people never learn

I have wanted to blog about this for a while but have never got round to it. Now it's getting to me so I need some advice from you wise people in blogland. My friend A has been seeing this girl for about 10 months. This girl, let's call her GF, came into A's life at a very hard time in A's life as her mum had just died of cancer. Literally just, they started seeing each other a couple of weeks before. I wasn't in Derby at the time, I was back home, but I spoke to A and she said she was doing ok.

They made their relationship 'official' around end of August time I think, just before I came back. However, GF is a couple of years younger than A and wasn't happy being tied down, so between August and January they split up and got back together, or split up and started seeing each other, or were in an open relationship loads of times. Each time I would tell A you need some time away from her to clear your head, but they kept sleeping together and getting back together.

Now, after the last time they split up, which was just before Christmas, everything seemed ok. They seemed happy together, they went on holiday together (which A paid for, but the financial dependence thing is a whole nother story) and everything seemed fine and dandy.

A couple of weeks ago GF started acting weird again, she told A she was bored and she need space from her. A gave her space, but when she did, GF would ring her and ask her to go round because she missed her. Hello?? Did you not just say you wanted space?? Anyway, this went on for a couple of weeks, then one night GF split up with A, spent the night with her and then changed her mind in the morning and promised she would help to try and make things better.

Now, one of the reasons things weren't as good between them was that GF had started spending time with her ex-girlfriend again, and the last time she had done this she had ended up sleeping with her (though she and A were 'on a break' at the time). Anyway, A said she didn't like that she was seeing her ex again, mainly because she acts really secretive about it.

Finally, last week GF split up with A and said it had nothing to do with said ex. However, GF had been using one of A's old phone, and when she took it back she found texts that basically showed she had kissed her ex and told her they were on a break when they were actually still together. At least A thought they were.

I'm not an expert or anything, but I have had my heart broken and I told A that she needs time away from GF because she's not been very nice to her, she's used her, she's selfish and unappreciative and A doesn't need it. I feel bad for getting angry about it but how else is she going to manage to get over her? Or at least show her that she might lose her for good if she doesn't pull her act together? Every time she needs anything, A goes running back, spending the night, buying food and clothes for her (even though GF still lives at home). So GF seems to think that whenever she needs anything A will do/give it to her, which she will to be fair.

Facebook hasn't helped either as I saw a post yesterday where GF invited one her friend's round to A's. And A has invited me to a show and GF is going too, and when I asked why this is she said that it was pre-planned, which I don't believe because I know she would have told me about it sooner if that was the case. Gah. Rant over.

Basically my point is, how would you get through to this girl? Make her understand that GF is bad for her and that no matter how hard it is, what she really needs is time away from her. Because I have no idea how to do it and I'm getting a bit annoyed that she complains and complains yet does nothing about it. This sounds really insensitive but it's true! Anyway, any help would be very welcome!

10 comments:

Jude

Sounds like A needs to find another GF. One that would appreciate her ALL the time and not do the on again off again every time the wind changes direction. But A needs to realize this herself. She's the one that has to take the "S" for sucker off her own back.

Holden

I have to agree with Jude it's up to A to make her own mind up about this. All you can do is be a friend when she needs you.

[[aisling]]

I'm gonna agree with Jude on this, it's one of those things A will just have to realise herself. You can say anything in the world to her but at the end of the day she has to make the final decision herself.

And like Holden said, you've just got to be there when she needs you.

Kara & Jessica

Sometimes when your in love it's just hard to give someone up. You keep hoping eventually they'll return to you and not leave. It's going to be hard for her to move on. You just have to hope one day she comes to her senses or maybe finds someone else she can move on with. Until that day comes this is probably going to keep happening. As her friend you can only try to move her in the right direction. Just don't push to hard because you don't want to ruin your friendship with her.

~Jessica~

Mel's Way or No Way

Unfortunately there is little you can do to convince your friend of anything. The more your try to tell her the more it will only drive a wedge in your friendship. You've told her your opinion now all you can do is bite your lip and hope she comes to her senses soon. Some people just crave that kind of relationship drama though and are too wrapped up in it to see anything except what they want.

crystal

This is a very hard place to be in, girls can be terrible! Here is what you do...be there. If you force her to choose before she is ready then you run the risk of her pushing you away. This means that you would not be able to be there for her when it all falls apart, and that is when she will need you the most.
Sit tight hun, these things play themselves out, and friends are always needed at the outset.

NewBo

Thanks for your input guys. It is hard, I just don't like seeing A get hurt and it's been going on for so long now and it's always the same problem. If she doesn't ask me I'm just there for her, but if she asks me what I would do I tell her I would step back a bit. I don't think I'm pushing her too much, but maybe after reading you guys' comments I'll step back a little and let her live and learn. Thanks :) x

knm

Same thing happened to me, (As in i am A) and it lasted a whole 4 years before i realised that i shouldn't be with this person and to build up the courage to finally end it for ever. i guess you just have to wait for A to come to this realisation in her own time.

Anonymous

so A and GF are both girls right? the story kept confusing me. Anyway, i think that A needs to realize that GF is not the right girl. A needs to meet someone who will be wonderful and is "the one".

StarGazer

Yeah, I've been in A's position before. I was with a girl that was horrible to me, and we probably broke up and got back together about 8 times in about a year and a half. All of my friends hated her, but I was so blinded by the bullshit that there was just no getting through to me. My friends tried, family tried, but it didn't matter. She is going to have to let this thing run its course, and hopefully she'll come out of it soon enough. For now, if you can stand it, just try to be there for her when she needs that shoulder to cry on, and just let her know that you'll support her and that you care about her. That's all she needs to know from you, the rest she'll have to figure out on her own. :)

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