Wednesday, 29 April 2009

What would you do?

Most of my friends still don't know about J. My best friend T (who i mentioned a few posts back) doesn't know and she's one of the people i'm scared to tell the most. I don;t know why it is, but i am. She's like my baby sister but at the same time we've ended up snogging on drunken nights out. I think i'm worried she'll think i fancied her and think that i snogged her because of that.
Anyway, T and i (and two of her friends) are going to Benicassim music festival in Spain this summer, which i am insanely excited about :D.

There are 11 weeks and 1 day until Festival Internacional de Benicassim 2009

J and her best friend are also going and we plan to meet up while we're both there. Now i go home on 11th June, Beni's between 13th and 23rd July, so this would basically be the first time we'd have seen each other in more than a month. I mentioned to her best mate that when i went to see them i would go alone, and i think J got offended. I tried to explain that if my friends don't know about us yet, i'd rather find her on my own. Can you imagine how weird it would be to meet your girlfriend for the first time in more than month and have to act like you're not together? Thinking about it now makes me want to cry, i can't imagine what it's going to be like. I hope to have told T by the time we go to Beni, but if i haven't i'd rather meet J alone and be able to at least give her a hug and a kiss. She hasn't replied to my last text. She's been really understanding about the fact that i've hardly told anyone back home yet so this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. I also asked her what she'd do when she comes home to visit me in August. I haven't told my parents yet and she's asked me not to tell them till after they meet her. Fair enough, i understand why and i think it's a good idea cos i think they'll love her and i don;t want them to judge her. But isn't this the same thing? Will she get offended if don't hold her hand in front of my parents like i wouldn't in front of my friends?

Hmmm i don't know. Any wise opinions? At least wiser than mine!

Love, life and work

I realise i haven't written any proper updates, i've just been filling in memes. Nothing much has happened really, apart from the doctor thing. I worked most of the weekend, which was crap cos it was a nice weekend weather-wise so noone wanted to go to the cinema, or eat inside a building with no natural light.

I've probably mentioned before that i work in a cinema. It's a fancy thing (at least it's meant to be) and there's a restaurant inside it, which is where J and I work. I'm a waitress. There's also another bar which has it's own screens and its meant to be a bit fancier than the rest of the cinema (it's called the director's lounge). The service should be better, you can take food and alcohol into the film, and the atmosphere is meant to be different. The only problem is tickets cost about £15 so unless there's a really good film on, its not very busy. Now in our restaurant we have a nice big 42" LCD tv, which we can watch when there's noone in (which at the moment is most of the time). In director's however, there is nothing. Just depressing music. It is so boring in there when it's not busy. And on Saturday i had a 10 hour shift in there. OH MY GOD. It was painful. Luckily i was sent home early but for 7 and a half hours i did fuck all. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I was in again on Sunday, but luckily back in 'our' restaurant. Again, in 5 hours i think i served 6 people.

Things with J and i are still really good. We've been together for 6 months now and this is fast becoming my longest, most serious, and probably best relationship ever. When i think about it, it still seems strange to me that the person i've found is a woman. Not that it matters, but you know, i wasn't expecting to meet a man let alone a woman. I guess it shows that you never know what to expect.

One way that i can tell that she really does love me is football. Yes, football. I mean soccer, not american football. So i'm an obsessive Chelsea fan, and last night there was a match on and J came along with me and she really got into it! Until a couple of months ago, she refused to come with me because she doesn't like football, and now she's willingly coming along with me. And she's also admitting that she's starting to enjoy it too!

We seem to finally be getting used to sleeping in a single bed together too lol. We used to sleep ok, but we'd wake up a lot in the middle of the night and we'd have quilt steling and space stealing problems. I think we're used to it now cos we both have enough space, enough quilt, and we both sleep through the night now. By the time i get back to Derby after the summer she'd have moved in with her best friend, who lives in town, so it means we'll finally have a double bed. We do stay at hers sometimes but not often because she lives in the suburbs not in the town centre, which is where i live. So its easier for the both of us because of work and uni if she stays here.

Anyway, i'm going to make some food and then continue my schizophrenia essay. Ponder this:

To what extent does the use of antipsychotic drugs as treatment for schizophrenia inform us about its underlying cause?

That's the question i have to answer. It's quite straight forward, i just have to get down to it and hopefully i'll have it finished by tonight. Fingers crossed!

Wednesday Weirdness #53

1. Is there a particular smell that turns you on? If so what is it?
J's perfume, and any smell that reminds me of her.

2. Have you ever tried or considered trying a Master Cleanse type method to lose weight?
No, luckily i've always been quite slim and happy with my body (except the boobs, but thats a completely different story).

3. When you browsing a book store for reading material, do you find yourself checking out a book solely based on the cover design?
Yes, most of the time i think.

4. Which 80's trend were you least happy to see come back this year; big shoulder pads or neon?
Defnitiely big shoulder pads. ERROR.

5. How long do you think could you disappear for until someone would notice your absence and start looking for you?
A day probably, i think my mum and J would definitely realise. I'd like to think so anyway!

6. Have you ever walked out of a movie and asked for your money back? Which movie(s) and why?
No i haven't..

7. Have you ever changed your plans because of something you read in your horoscope?
No, but my horoscope has made me worry about things.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

TMI Tuesday.. because i should be writing an essay about schizophrenia

My first TMI..

1. Have you ever had angry sex?
I don't think so.. Make up sex, yes, and rough sex, but never angry sex.

2. Pity sex?
Errm, again, no.

3. "Oh well, I might as well" sex?
Yes, on a one night stand last year. Eewww

4. One-of-you-knew-it-was-goodbye-and-the-other-didn't sex?
Yes, when he knew it was goodbye and i didn't. Wanker. He claimed he didn't know that he was going to break up with me when i asked him why he'd spent the weekend having sex with me without even mentioning he wanted to split up. I'm very glad i'm with a woman now.

5. Don't-remember-having-it sex?
Yes, not many, but yes. J and i both don't remember the first time we had sex together. We were both drunk and nervous, i'd never slept with a girl before and she says she was nervous too.

6. Regret-it-afterward sex?
Yes, see question 3. I caught a train back to Derby at 2am and cried all the way.

7. Can't-remember-his/her-name sex?

8. Never-knew-his/her-name sex?
Ooooh no.

Bonus: What was the worst single sexual experience of your life?
I think i spoke about this in wednesday weirdness last week or the week before. A guy i was fooling around with basically shoved his cock into my mouth and face-fucked me. Literally. I was 17 at the time and had only given on BJ before (to him in fact, when i was 14) and it had scarred me for life and i never wanted to do it again. I told him i didn't want to, and his reaction was to uninvitedly put his cock in my mouth.
Also, the question 3 and 6 one night stand.
I couldn't tell whether it was in or not, while he was thrusting away on top of me :/

Monday, 27 April 2009


I. Am. So. Bored. I'm meant to be writing a critical summary of an article, which is due in tomorrow. I know it won't take me long, but i can't be bothered. It's a Monday night and everyone else is out drinking, and i might as well be there too cos i'm not actually getting any work done.

I am insanely bored, crazy, madly bored. Its too much! I can't be bothered, i just want the uni year to be over!

I'm going to get back to avoiding my article on cognitive complexity and attentional control. Yay.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

I'd cheat a priest just to get to you

Great news on the boobs front!

Anyone who's read my trouble with boobs post would know that i have a slight problem with my boobs.

So, yesterday (Friday technically) i went to the doctor to talk about my boobs and luckily it was a woman this time (i go to the uni practice and i don't really care who i see as long as i get seen asap). So i went in and she asked me about my back and i said to be honest i'm here cos i want a breast reduction. I told her i was referred to a physio last time but on the NHS website it says that you only need a surgeon's referral and psychologist's referral. I also told her that the physios were taking the piss and i stopped going. Fair enough she said and she checked what the criteria were for a breast reduction. She said she wasn't sure so she made a few quick phone calls and said she doesn't see any reason why i should be refused one. The main criteria is that your BMI is lower than 30 and mine is well below that yet my boobs are still mahoosive. She thinks he might have to take some measurements and she'll call me back in if she does, but if not, she's going to start the process :D. I'm so excited! xD I may actually have normal sized boobs and look like a normal 20 year old this time next year! Maybe later cos it's my final year of uni and all next year, but at least it;s actually gonna happen!! :D

In other news, i saw "I Love You, Man" today and i think it is brilliant. Fucking hilarious! Proper laugh out loud funny.

Also, my room smells of cigarette smoke even though i don't smoke and it's a non smoking room. I've only kust got back from work (its 1.30am) and i'd left the window open all day, so i reckon the person next door was sitting smoking on their window sill and blowing their lovely smoke into my room.

Anyways, i'm off to bed. I'm very excited!!!

Thursday, 23 April 2009

I'm happy now

J's coming round for the night. I'm so easily pleased :)

And cos i know she's coming over soon, i've done loads more of my essay. That's the kind of motivation i needed lol!

Everlasting boredom

My essay's due in tomorrow and i haven't finished it yet and i just can't seem to focus on it. I feel like a social hermit, all i do is go to uni, work and back home. I haven't even seen J since Friday, except for like half an hour at uni on Monday, cos she's been at home writing her dissertation.

I. Can't. Be. Bothered!

I don't understand anything and i definitely don't enjoy this part of psychology. I just need to get it over with and move on to the next one. And obviously cos i've not been doing very much i don't really have anything to blog about!

Also, my back's been worse than it's been for a long time. I think it's aggrevated by the stress (as well as the boobs). It's the kind of pain where if you move too much, you end up stuck in that position. Like an 80 year old woman. And i'm 19.

On the upside, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and i'm going to practically beg for them to give me a breast reduction. Fingers crossed!

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Something else that annoyed me last night..

Ok, so i wasn't in a good mood last night. My gf promised she would come see me and she didn't. Breaking promises isn't something that goes down well with me. Then i started thinking about the ex bla blaa..

Then T, oh T. I love her, she's my best friend and she's like a baby sister to me. I've always been there for her, whenever she's drunk and passed out her friends bring her to me and i spend the rest of my evening nursing her until it's time to go home. Now Moby's coming to Malta in the summer, and tickets are on sale now. I'm not there to buy a ticket obviously, so i asked T if she could buy me one and i'd pay her back when i got home in June. She said she wouldn't be able to pay for more than one, so i should transfer my money to her and then she'd buy it for me. Fair enough. But yesterday (now remember, i'm 19, i'm hormonal, i was already angry, and even though it seems like an overreaction, it was just a number of things that annoy me) i was on facebook, and i noticed she wrote on His wall (Read my Dear Good Friday post to read all about T and Him) telling him she'd buy him a ticket to Moby. Eugh i'm such a baby.

Wednesday Weirdness #52

1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase?
It used to be condoms. But i haven't bought any in ages. Like a year and a half.

2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most?
Erm, i guess it would be the lesbian equivalent of missionary.

3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off?
Slip them off, then untie and re-tie the shoes when i put them back on.

4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident?
I have no idea. That's good! Hope this doesn't jynx me though....

5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why?
A finger, cos it wouldn't show too much.

6.) How do you feel about anal sex?
I've never tried it, and it doesn't seem very appealing. But i gues i can't knock it till i've tried it can i. At least that's what i'm told.

7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why?
Probably the ability to know when people are lying. I have a bit of a phobia about being lied to. I get paranoid that whoever i'm with will make a fool of me. I'm a trusting person, it's just if i suspect something (which isn't very often) then i'll want to find out asap. And i'm usually right, which isn't always a good thing.

In other news...

J didn't come over last night, and i was really looking forward to seeing her cos i'd spent the day inside trying to read about IPA and DP. Ah wellllll.

Plus last night i realised how insecure i feel sometimes. Basically worries that she'll get bored of me, or find someone who she'd rather be with. My ex broke up with me to be with someone else, and he lied about it (that's where the lying paranoia came from). So i had a bit of a cry because i'm such an idiot, and i've woken up and my eyes are massively swollen! Fucking men :@

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Oh Mother

I love you, so much.

But you piss me off, so much.

An essay comparing and contrasting the theoretical background of DP with that of IPA.

Interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA) and discursive psychology (DP) are two of the most prominent methods of research analysis in qualitative methods. Smith (2008) states that “the aim of IPA is to explore in detail how participants make sense of their personal and social world.” On the other hand, DP is “an approach that treats psychology as an object in and for interaction” (Potter, 2005).

I. Cannot. Concentrate. At. All. This is essay is due in Friday and all I've done is half the introduction, which is absically a couple of quotes strung together with a few well-suited words. I saw J yesterday but only for about half an hour at uni. I haven't seen her since Friday before that, and all i can think about is when she comes over later! And when we go to Birmingham in two weeks for other J's birthday. And staying at hers when her parents go away. And going to Beni in July. And J and the others coming to Malta in August. Basically anything except my essay on interpretative phenomenological analysis and discursive psychology (took me about 5 minutes to write that sentence).

Also, as you may or may not have realised from my last few posts, i can't stop thinking about sex. With J. She's at home writing her dissertation, and all we seem to talk about when we're not together is sex. Which doesn't relly help seeing as we're both really busy at them moment and we can't see each other as often as we normally do. It's driving me insaaane!

This doesn't really help either.

Parental advisory: Slightly explicit content

The urban myth of female ejaculation. I'd seen it in porn and heard about women could do it, but i always thought it was something that only happened to porn stars who somehow managed to train themselves to do it (which you can apparently). But lately, it's been happening to me. Me! It happened the first time J and i had sex after i got back, and the second, and the third... Etc, etc, i think you get my drift! It made me very curious, because J doesn't seem to be doing anything different, and neither am i. We were having a chat about (lol) after the last time it happened, so being very internet-dependent, i googled it.

Wikipedia's definition:
Female ejaculation (colloquially known as squirting or gushing[1]) refers to the expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid by human females from the paraurethral ducts through and around the urethra during or before orgasm.

Through the urethra! It made me think, oh shit, i am practically peeing in her mouth every time i come now?? It's a little bit disturbing!
Is it sexy? Is it disgusting? Is it neither? Can i learn to control it? Should i try and learn to control it? Or should i just take it as a sign that the sex is just getting better? Who knows..

Sunday, 19 April 2009


Now usually, i absolutely fucking LOVE london. Everything about it, the hustle and bustle, the lights, the traffic, the tube, the football and definitely the shopping. So my lovely dad got me a ticket for the FA cup semi-final today (which we won thank god, otherwise i'd have been mighty pissed off) and obviously i wanted to come, no hesitation. However, my mum wasn't too keen on me going to a footie match on my own, so my dad and i havent told her. She thinks i've been at work all day. I feel so bad for lying to my mum, but i know that if she knew the truth it would cause arguments back home. So anyway, the point of this is, as much as i love london and football, today has been an excessively stressful day. It took me almost 3 hours to get back to my friend's, where i'm staying for the night. The match lasts 90 minutes! I've spent more time travelling than actually watching football. Then they'd waited for me to have dinner, but i'd already eaten. I felt so bad, so i didn't tell them and said i was feeling ill. I've never felt more uncomfortable in london. Plus i've turned into a love sick puppy and miss J loads. What is this world coming to?! I have no hope! Oh, and i'm feeling more stressed than ever about uni work :(

Friday, 17 April 2009

We sure are cute for two ugly people

If anything ever changes..

I'm going to have to come back to this post. We've had an amazing couple of days. I completely believe the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. She came over on Wednesday night and we had amazing sex, it was better than i remember it. I don't know if she's doing something different or if its just that i missed her so much, but everything just seemed better. Even though it was amazing before i left. I slept like a log and woke up in heaven cos she was next to me for the first time in more than 2 weeks.

Yesterday we decided to go to Birmingham for the day and her best friend was going to Birmingham to meet her girlfriend there, so we got a ride with her. Before we went to meet her we had breakfast in the pub, just like we did the first day. First thing we did when we arrived was get a pint and then we went to the Bullring to do some window shopping. At about 7 we decided to get some dinner and went to a really nice bar and had some really good food. While we were there we decided to stay the night in Birmingham, so she rang a hotel and after we ate we checked in, left the few things we'd bought and went out for a few drinks. Birmingham have a little gay village and we went back to the place we had dinner, which was a really nice gay bar, and then went on to a lesbian bar. It was so good to be with her, i was so proud to walk down the street holding her hand and to kiss her in public. It was just amazing. We played pool, drank cocktails and cider, giggled and kissed. I completely forgot about all my uni work and all i could think about was her. We met the others for a bit then went back to the hotel and had more fantastic sex.

We woke up today and went for lunch and did some more pottering around the shops. We caught the train back and she came over and we had more sex, which seems to get better every time. I have no idea what it is, but it's just incredible.
I'm so happy i think i could burst. The cheesy, barf-worthy, sickening kind of happy that usualy makes me feel sick, but now i just couldn't care less. I want people to see us kissing on the bus, holding hands at the bar. I want everyone to know how fantastic she is and how good she makes me feel.

I realise noone might want to hear this, but i'm so happy!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Home at last

Well, home 2. Or Home 1 of 2. I don't know it's confusing! Home is where the heart is they say, and half of it is here in Derby with J and the other half back home with my family and friends. Anyway, i'm just happy to be back :). I went to see J at work on my way home from the train station and it was amazing, i couldn't take my hands off her! Even though she was at work muahaha.. She's meant to be on till 10 but they're letting her leave early and she's on her way over now :). Yay :D. I'm a very very happy bunny now. And i'll be even happier in about 15 minutes when she arrives. Yay :D :D.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Wednesday Weirdness #51

Wednesday Weirdness #51: Story Time Edition

1.) Tell us how you picked the blog nickname that you write under. (IE: I am Pink Vodka Bubbles) Were you considering using a different pseudonym or was the one you wound up with your first pick?
It wasn't my first choice cos i used to blog under a different name, then i decided to change it completely and chose Newbo cos i'm a new lesbo.. Cheesey lol but true!

2.) Tell us about your worst oral sex experience.
I don't think i've ever received bad oral sex, but when i was about 17 i was seeing a guy i really really liked, but i didnt want to suck him off cos i hated it. He basically shoved his dick in my mouth and fucked my face. It was not good.

3.) Tell us about the most fun night you've had in the last two months time.
Steffi's birthday party, although i ended up passed out and vomitting by 1am..

4.) If you were in a restaurant sitting down ready to order and you saw something that grossed you out enough to make you get up right then and leave without ever ordering, tell us about what you saw to make you react that way.
Erm, not very much. It takes alot to gross me out, especially with food. Maybe if the food was crawling with insects or something.

5.) Tell us about your favorite childhood toy.
A very beat up old soft toy called Jacko (no relation to Michael!) which was my mum's. Her gran gave it to her when she was little, and then she gave it to me. I loved it.

6.) Tell us about the weirdest sexual proposition you've ever been faced with.
Hmmm.. Nothing strikes me as weird anymore, at least nothing i've ever been propositioned.

7.) Tell us about one of the not-so-good dates you and your current (or ex if you have no current) significant other have gone on.
We went to watch Watchmen about a month ago, and she thought i wouldn't enjoy it cos it's a violent film and i don't usually enjoy violent films, but this one's really good. Anyway, whenever we go and watch a film she checks up on me all the time, asking if im ok and telling me we can leave if i get bored. Which is very sweet of her, but when you're enjoying a film and she thinks you're not, it gets annoying and it felt a bit patronising. So i snapped at her, and i told her im not a child and she didnt need to check up on me all the time. We didnt talk for a day, she came home with me but we walked back in silence, slept in silence (well obviously, but you know what i mean), woke up in silence, got ready in silenca and parted ways in silence.


I'm really stressing out at the moment, i have so much uni work to do but there doesn't seem to be any time. I want to have a life and still manage to do my work, but cos i've been home for 2 weeks i've done fuck all and now i'm feeling really stressed, the kind that makes my heart feel like it isn't strong enough and my lungs feel like they're not taking in enough oxygen. That plus my hormones means i started crying about half an hour ago and now i cant stop. Plus i'm worrying about my finances, cos i've had 2 weeks off work so i'm going to have 2 weeks with no pay cheque. Brilliant. Plus it also means i'll have to work more hours to make up for it, which means less time to do my 7 lovely assignments. I also want to spend time with J cos i'm coming back home in June and i won't see her till July.. There isn't any time to do anything!!

Add to that my terrible procrastination habit and i stand no chance.

Monday, 13 April 2009


Taken from Holden :)

Five names you go by

Three things you are wearing right now
pjs, pants, socks

Three things you want very badly at the moment

Two people who will probably fill this out
Ma, non lo so!

Two things you did last night
Watched pathology, ate poptarts

Two things you ate today
McDonald's meal, pasta

Two people you last talked to on the phone
J and my mum.

Two things you are doing tomorrow
Working on my presentation and packing to go back to Derby :D

Two longest car rides
From London to Liverpool, and Derby to Aberdeen (though that was a train ride)

Two of your favourite beverages
Coke and cider

Photo updates

On the upside, the kittens are adorable, they're one week old tomorrow.

Mother and babies.

Two of them, hard to make them out cos they're all black and white.

I hope they open their eyes before i leave on Wednesday.


All i can think about is being with her, lying in bed facing her and smiling at her. Watching her pout in her sleep. Kissing the swallows behind her ears and the stars on either side of her stomach. Rubbing her back and her legs and gently blowing in her ear. Holding her hand and laughing at ridiculous things. I just really hate being away from her.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave home, but i miss her so much. Her beautiful smile and contagious laugh. And just being able to be with her without having to hide our relationship. To be able to walk down the street holding her hand, and eat out and hold hands across the table, kiss her as we walk down the street. Talk about her openly as the beautiful woman i love, not my 'friend'.

I go back on Wednesday, and then i come back home in less than 2 months, and we wont see each other for more than a month. I'm dreading it already.

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Morning dreams come true, cos I wake up next to you

Do you ever get days, or short-term spells where you are completely obsessed with one song? Well, it's 2.21am here, and for the past few hours i have been listening to Morning Dreams by Ladyhawke over and over and over and over and over again. It's a kind of modern 80s electro pop thing, and i love it. It's really relaxing and reminds me of all my favourite 80s songs, plus it embodies exactly how i feel at the moment, basically about J.

Friday, 10 April 2009

Dear Good Friday,

I'm writing to tell you what a lovely, albeit a little bit awkward, day you were. Even though we are catholic, my immediate family don't do anything on Good Friday. My brother fucked off to smoke weed with his friends in Gozo, my dad did his best to avoid staying in and my mum stayed in with the cats and dogs. I was invited, quite a while ago (at Christmas in fact), to my best friend's house for lunch. I work at her parent's restaurant and they love me so they took me out for dinner when i was home for Christmas and invited me for Good Friday lunch then.

So my best mate, T, doesn't know about J yet. I'm nervous to tell her because on a drunken night out we've often ended up sharing a snog, and one of the last times this happened she told me the next day that i had got really into it, i was feeling her up and everything! When she told me this, i just laughed it off cos, well, in my mind i was a straight girl who knew how to have a bit of fun. Now that i am very, very, very in love with a woman i don't want her to act differently with me.

On top of that, last summer T introduced me to one of her best mates, he was a new best friend that's why i'd never met him before, and they met because she crashed his mother's car. Yes. She crashed his mother's car. The second time she met him. His mum adores her now, but at the time it wasn't so funny. Anyway, i'm rambling now lol. So at the beginning of last summer she introduced him to me, and i practically fell in love with him within a week. I'd been 'playing the field' shall we say after my ex and i broke up and didn't really meet anyone i actually liked, just people i wanted to fool around with. And then i met him. Tall, a face carved out of stone with a body to match, a deep, Vin Dieselesque type of voice, plus brains. I could not resist him. Me being the prize twat that i am, i ended up in bed with him after a couple of weeks and became so obsessed with this poor boy that im ashamed even thinking about it now. I've never been the obsessive girlfriend type, but i had just been dumped for someone else and rejection wasn't exactly what i needed. But it is what i got. We never slept together again but we kept meeting up, having sleepovers, and kissing on nightclub balconies. Then one day i saw him with another girl. Now we weren't actually together, and i knew that, but i was drunk and i flipped. And for at least a month following i angrily texted him every time i was drunk. He ignored me for the rest of the summer.

I got over him pretty quickly, i knew it was just a lusting, horny crush and i managed to get over it and stay away from him to avoid embarrassment. T and i fought a couple of times because of him, cos i was convinced he was in love with her because they're so close, and would often tell her this when i was drunk. Between the summer and now, i only saw him once, on New Year's Eve, when i was nursing a very drunk T on the side of the road and he stopped to say Happy New Year.

So back to now. T warned me a couple of days ago that he was going to be there, and i was a bit taken aback that she felt she had to warn me. I wanted to tell her that i'm happier than i've ever been, than he could ever make me, and i'm in love! But i couldn't and i just said, look, i'm over it and i have been for a while now.

When I arrived today he was already there and we said hi and how are things bla bla. By the time we sat down for our 6 (yes, 6! i love T's dad) courses, T sat down and i went to sit next her and Hunk went to sit next to me. T whispered in my ear "shall we change places?" AAARRGGHH!! NOOOOO I wanted to scream! You make one mistake and look what happens! I told her again, look T, no! I'm over it! And again i wanted to scream i'm in love with the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman and i don't need to be pitied thanks! And sure enough, sitting next to him was fine! We chatted, joked, and acted as if nothing had ever happened (phew, the sex wasn't that good, so i like to forget).

Again, the point of this post, as with so many others, is the scariness of coming out. How did you all do it?? I'm considering doing it by email! That's how chicken i am now!

In other news, the kittens are the most adorable things i've seen ages. I'll have to post a photo soon. Luckily they all seem to be healthy after only four days of life. Very squirmy, all five of them.

With all my love,


Thursday, 9 April 2009

The few days when i hate being a girl

I'm freezing, i have a splitting headache, and at any point i may start crying, for no reason. Yep, it's that time of the month. My head is throbbing, and i am waiting in fear of the inevitable cramps. Plus no matter how much i wash, i always feel filthy. And not the good kind of filthy.

If i could get rid of this one week every month (while obviously still keeping the ability to have kids one day) then my life would be perfect.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

The trouble with boobs

I am a pretty confident person, and generally i'm very happy with my body. The only problem is my boobs. My boobs are massive, they've always been big for my age, i was a C cup at 11, but now they're big for anyone's age. I'm an english size 30J (which i just checked, you'd be surprised how hard it is to find bra size conversions, is an american 30M), and one of my boobs is twice the size of Baby Boy's 5 and a half month old head. I only own one bra in 30J, i wear 34G bras only because all the bras made in the very big sizes look like kites plus they don't really suit 19 year olds. At least i don't think so.

I have back problems because of them. My lower back hurts if i bend down and carry heavy things, especially heavy shopping. The centre of my back constantly aches and if i lie, stand or sit straight up it aches even more. I have to sleep curled up otherwise i'll hardly be able to move when i get out of bed. J complains sometimes because i curl up when i sleep cos that doesn't give her much space when we sleep in my single bed at halls. I explain to her that i can't help it and she understands that there isn't anything i can do it about.

A few months ago i went to one of the GPs at the university to see what i had to do to get a breast reduction on the NHS (ie. for free, im a student, i can't afford to pay for one). The doctor told me he'd refer me to the physiotherapy department at the local hospital and i'd have to undergo a full treatment of physio, to see if they can help my back problems. He said that if they couldn't helo me i'd then have to see a psychologist to see if my boobs were causing me psychological distress, then they's have to analyse my body to make sure they're 'out of place' on my body (doesn't take a genius to notice that - i'm 5'2", my hips are 31-32" and my waist is 30, whilst my boobs must be about 38").

This was in October, before J and i even met, and the referral didn't come till December. I went for my first session a week before i came home for christmas, and the woman who saw me that day seemed in favour of the surgery. She mentioned a friend of hers, who's in her 50s, recently had hers reduced and she wishes she had done ti when she was younger. Anyway, she asked me about my back pain, where it was, how it was aggravated, how bad it was etc. Just before i left she told em she was too busy so i would start seeing another physio, her name's Abi, she's young and so she can relate to me. She also gave me some exercises to do, and sent me on my way. I saw her once just before i went home and she told me to crack my back and buy a gym ball to use cos i needed to work on my glutenous muscles (or something, basically my ass muscles).

So over christmas i cracked my back, because that actually felt good, but i didn't do any of the exercises cos obviously i didn't want the exercises to work, cos then all this would've been for nothing. I went back after christmas and Abi told me the exercises had worked cos she could feel a difference in my muscles (wtf?? i didn't actually do anything hello!!). So she sent me away with even more exercises which i didn't plan to do. After i saw her 2 or 3 more times she told me she was leaving and i'd be transferred to yet another physio. So two weeks later i went back and the latest physio asked me what i had been told to do. I told her i cracked my back and i was given exercises to work my muscles. She told me that doing that is probably making the back pain worse (brilliant!) so all she told me to do was make sure i sleep curled up (which i did already, plus i thought that made it worse anyway, stretching the muscles even more?? who knows) and she told me to try sleeping on the floor, ie. put my mattress on the floor. Err, what? I was getting so much conflicting advice, and for a 19 year old living in a foreign country with no parents there to guide me, i had no idea what to do. So i didn't do anything.

My next appointment was two weeks later and i completely forgot about it, so i haven't been since then. A private operation costs at least £5000, so i'm just going to have to go back to a GP and explain the physio situation. Hopefully i'll be able to get it done with just a GP, psychologist and surgeon reference. As if those three weren't enough!

This is me a couple of days ago, ignore the bulging belly, just look at the boobs lol.

This is H and me on New Year's Eve. I loved that dress, except for the fact that boobs kept threatening to escape.

And finally this is me when I was 15, I was already a 32G then.

I'm used to the extra attention they give me now, men shouting things at me on the street, bus drivers scaring the life out of me by honking their fucking horns when i walk past them. It doesn't happen so much in England, but it always happens in Malta. I was teased at school, but i was quite a hard nut and gave as good as i got. Or just ignored it. The favourite was sofa (my name's Sophie) and cushions. Anyway, fingers crossed, when i go back i'll find a doctor who can make it easy for me.

Also, here are some blogs that i've found interesting, they're about breast reductions.

Obviously there are many more, but these are the only ones that really got me reading.

Wednesday Weirdness #50

1.) What condiment goes best with french fries?
Ewww none, just loads of salt.

2.) What condiment do you feel best represents your personality?
Probably sweet chilli sauce.

3.) If the love of your life was a different religion from you, would you convert for them if they asked you to?
If I loved them enough, yes.

4.) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

5.) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, i'm terrified of dying, i'd rather it surprises me.

6.) If you could change your eye color to anything in the world you wanted, what would you change it to?
Dark blue

7.) Are you more often the partner in crime or the good conscience with your friends and family?
Good conscience in the family, partner in crime with my friends.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

In other news..

Our cat, Maggie, had five kittens this morning, and they all look exactly like her! She's black and white and all five of them are black and white. My mum's really proud of her because she set up a box with an old fur throw inside for her to have them in, and she did! She's like a doting grandmother. She fed her as soon as she gave birth and checks on them to make sure they all have a nipple to suckle on, and tickles the cat to keep her comfy. She also put another box with an old towel into their little room cos she thinks the other box is too dirty for them (its covered in birth obviously) so she's leaving the box there for Maggie to decide whether to move them or not.

I was just watching QI with my mum, and they showed a clip of a moonwalking bird, which really impressed me! So here it is to impress you.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Have I turned bi??

I was talking (on msn) to a guy who i slept with about year ago. Just the normal small talk, how's uni, how's work, what's Malta like bla bla. I told him the weather was nice here, but it got a bit cold today. Then i said well, my girlfriend told me that it was sunny and warm back in england, so he wasn't missing much. He replied that it wasn't that warm in england, and then asked me, "have you turned bi?" Turned bi?? I didn't have time to reply to him because i was using my phone and my battery dies as soon as he said that. I went to get my laptop so i could reply but it has too much shit on it and takes an age to start up nowadays, and by the time i got back on msn he was gone.

Turned bi?? Maybe turned gay but how can you be turned bi? This is really starting to confuse me now. Surely i've always been bi. It can't be that all of sudden, on that specific day when I drunkenly kissed J in the middle of a club, i had just suddenly 'turned bi'. Since we slept together i haven't really liked this guy (R). He was a bit patronising and i was drunk and rebounding, the sex was crap and he was disgustingly skinny and i've always held this against him. He rarely talks to me and only ever does if he wants to meet up with, and me being rather untrusting of men i always assume he wants one thing.

The more i think about it, the more i think i must have always been bi, i just never found a woman who i liked, before J.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.

Saturday Survey (very early on a Sunday morning)

Taken from Amorous Rocker

How old will you turn in 2010?


Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Not to my face!

What's the connection between you and the last person to text you?

She's one of my best mates, she's like my baby sister.

Have you been disappointed by anyone in the last week?

Only myself (fucking essays).

When was the last time someone of the opposite sex that isn't related to you gave you a hug?
Yesterday, i met a guy i fooled around with in the summer at the bus stop.

When is the last time you spoke to your boss?
A week ago.

Do you have any framed photographs hanging on the walls?

Here, yes. Me when I was 2.

Have you had sex in the last 48 hours?

Grrr, no. My girlfriend's in a different country.

Have you showered with anyone in the last 48 hours?


Would you like to put yesterday on repeat and live it forever?
Yesterday was a good day, but not that good. So no. Plus J wasn't involved, I wouldn't be able to live with that.

What kind of licorice do you like?


Do you like salt water taffy?

Never tasted it.

Have you ever tried committing suicide?


Are you jealous of anyone at the moment?

Not at all.

Are you cynical?
Not really.

Do you believe there is a great purpose in life?
I like to think so. Otherwise, what's the point?

Would you ever date someone who was completely different from you?


Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?


Have illegal drugs ever entered your bloodstream?
No, I'm very scared to try any too. Knowing my luck it'll go wrong the very first time, even if i never intend to take any ever again.

Have you ever licked a photo?
I used to lick a poster of Justin Timberlake when i was 13. Does that count?

Saturday, 4 April 2009

America's Next Top Model

Yesterday I decided to start watching the new series of America's Next Top Model (ANTM), the series that's going out in the US at the moment. Aren't I glad I did! There's one of the most gorgeous girls on there, her name's Fo, she's half black and half mexican, and the first girl i've seen (famous or not) that has made me think "Wow!", apart from J.

During the make over show, they cut her hair really short, but her face looks gorgeous anyway.

That's all lol!

This is what dogs are for!

Check her out, the cutest, most patient dog in the world (let's call her N). B (her dad) wasn't having any of it, like the clever dog he is he just lowered his head and pushed the sunglasses off his nose. She's a little poser though :)

And then there's the little man! He also looked seriously cute in his little aviators at lunch yesterday. I bought him a teddy bear from the build-a-bear workshop when he was born, and i bought the sunglasses to go with the bear, but at the moment they fit him perfectly! Take a look..

Coolest kid in town or what?!

Friends reruns

Why is friends the only show that you can watch over and over again without ever getting bored? I think i must have seen every series at least 5 times each, and im pretty sure i could watch each series at least 5 more times. Not only that, but Friends is probably the only series that is actually acceptable to watch reruns. They are eternally funny, and i cant imagine ever getting bored of it. And guess where im going? To watch more friends reruns :) ooh and its the episode where Ross and Rachel go on a 'break'!

Friday, 3 April 2009

I really love my phone

I'm sitting watching tv with the family, while blogging, from my phone! My beautiful Nokia 5800. I think i love it as much as i love J. Yes i said it! It really is beautiful.. So today we went out to lunch, and i was hoping to tell at least one more person that i have a girlfriend (you may realise that most of my posts are about how chicken i am to come out back home). I at least wanted to tell Baby Boy. But i didn't get a chance too. My thumb's hurting now, and the enter button won't work and i want to do a meme. Lol..

When I'm bored I..

... Do loads of pointless of quizzes! Usually I'd them on facebook, but today I decided to google some.
First: Which L Word character are you?
I think I did about 3 or 4 of these, just cos I was that bored.
I got 3 Alices and one Dana. Of course, having seen all 6 series of the L Word in about 3 months, I knew how to manipulate the quiz and I wanted to be Alice :). No idea how Dana came about.

Next I took the Which type of lesbian are you?
I did two, and got femme for both, but i was shocked at the fact that there are so many lesbian stereotypes! Apart from the obvious bitch and femme, and hippy, there were lipstick lesbians, tomboy, leather dyke, wiccan lesbian, soccer dyke, goth, country, confused (aka bi), bohemian dyke, magic earring ken dyke (wtf?), vaginal-reference-making dyke, stud, pretty boi dyke, hipster dyke, sprightly elfin femme, granola dyke, little-boy dyke, student dyke and finally the Surprise! dyke. All from two quizzes! Am I just naiive or does this seem a bit much? Even in the straight world there isn't this much stereotyping! I studied stereotyping in a couple of my social psych modules, now i'm beginning to think they leave out one very important aspect of social stereotyping.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Wednesday Weirdness #49

1. Is April 1st a fun day, or an annoyance?

2. What is the best prank you ever pulled or had pulled on you?
Erm, someone squashed an egg on my head once...

3. What do you think is the most underrated sexual act?
Hmm.. I don't know, does kissing count? Thats one of my favourite things to do, ever.

4. What is your favorite website?

5. What is the most annoying commercial on the air right now?
The iPhone app advert really annoys me. Maybe cos I have a Nokia 5800, which is the anti-iPhone (which I am completely in love with).

6. If you were going to create a porn movie, please describe the title, premise and 1st sex scene.
Just going to give the title.. which would be some spoof of a normal film.. liiike.. "Fucking Miss Daisy". I'm not very good at this lol.

The joy of having "nothing" to do

I have spent the day doing absolutely fuck all. I've been on the internet about 90% of the time and have sat in front of the tv for exactly 99% of the time (i took the dogs out for about 10 minutes). For the past two hours I've intended to have a bath, but literally cannot be bothered, even though I really can't wait to have one. We only have a shower in halls, so i'm going to have at least one bath a day while i'm at home. I don't actually have anything to do. I haven't finished that essay that i was meant to finish before i came back, but i've put that off till this evening. Plus i should be reading/researching/preparing notes for all my other crappy assignments. But i'm home! And i haven't been here for 3 months, so i'm making the most of it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going out to lunch in the sunshine with all my friends. Well, all the important girl friends. We've known each other since school, since we were 13 at least (some even longer). So much has changed since then! One of my best friend's has a baby boy who's 5 months old now. Haven't seen him since christmas obviously and she's sent me some photos and he just looks so chubby and cute and i can't wait to see him tomorrow! Plus most of my friends don't know i have a girlfriend. Well hardly anyone in Malta knows i have a girlfriend. But that's another story and another post about how chicken I am to tell everyone.

When I came back for christmas we hadn't even been together for 2 months so I didn't really think about it too much. I told a couple of people and it felt great, but i didn't worry too much. Now we've been together for almost six months, we've just said the L word and I can't actually stop thinking about her. So it would be good to have the guts to tell everyone about her. The only thing is, I haven't even come to terms with the fact that i may be gay, in my mind i'm bisexual at least, so at least i have my options open. My brother's room is right next to door to my mum's and we were in there yesterday just after i got back. He was calling me a lesbian and it felt really strange! I think i need longer than 5 months to come to terms with it..

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Oh Ryanair..

Grrr I do not like Ryanair! I do not like their measly 15kg luggage weight limit. I always forgot and my suitcase was a very reasonable 18kg, which would be fine on any other airline but fussy old Ryanair only allow 15kg. So the woman kept my passport and I had to go over to the ticket desk to pay £45 for 3kg of overwight. £45!! But anyway, in amongst the annoyance I didn't look at the boarding pass the girl gave me and I just trotted up to security. While i was queuing, i decided it was time to look at my boarding pass, if only to have something to do, and noticed there wasn't any indication of my priority boarding (which i chose to pay £4 for). £4 isn't much but it is definitely essential on a Ryanair flight. So I had to march back down to the check-in desk, and the woman dryly said "sorry bout that". Grrrrr.. Plus there all the extra charges.. A flight is advertised as £8, but once you add on fuel charges, airport charges, baggage charges, check in charges and so in, it goes up to £70. And finally there are their cramped, blue and yellow little aeroplanes.

A rather strange french woman was sat next to me today. She was wearing VERY high rise, high shine leggings. She's obviously had them since the 80's and what with all the wet look leggings coming back into fashion she decided to dick them out of her closet. She teamed that with a short brown cardi. I'm not describing this very well, but to me it looked a bit odd lol. She seemed like a lovely woman, but she spent a lot of the flight talking to herself. I felt a little bit sorry for her though (now this is where you can tell that I'm a psychology student) cos on the rare occassion she spoke to me or the woman on her other side, or we spoke to her, she always put herself down. Like she was trying to squeeze her handluggage under the seat in front of her. She was clearly struggling, and i am a seasoned professional, cos i hate using the overhead compartments cos i'm too short and i worry that i'll bonk someone on the head with my massive backpack. Plus i like to have everything in my handluggage readily available. Anyway, i offered to help her and managed, without too much effort, to squeeze the little suitcase under the seat, and said thank you, thank you, to which i replied, "oh its ok, i'm used to it now". Instead of just laughing or replying she said, "no, no, it's me, i'm silly, silly." She didn't do anything at all throughout the whole flight. She didn't wat anything (i ate 2 sandwiches), she didn't drink anything (one litre of water), she didnt read anything (glamour magazine, diva magazine and the daily telegraph), she didn't listen to any music (i never turned mine off). She literally did NOTHING. She just sat there!

Anyway, I realise the only reason that this seems odd to me is because it's not something i'm used to. It's the same with everyone. Fat kids get teased cos other kids don't see it as "normal". Homophobes exist because they don't see being gay as "normal".

Any things you've seen people do, or heard of, that don't seem "normal" to you that would be perfectly normal to anyone else?