Pope Benedict shares more words of wisdom

God I'm ashamed to be catholic sometimes.

The Pope Tells Portugal That Gay Marriage Will Kill Their Society

Portugal passed gay marriage legislation earlier this year, and within the next week, that legislation might be set to go into effect. All that's left is for Portugal's Prime Minister, Jose Socrates, to sign the law; a step most folks think he'll take, since during his campaign last year, he pledged to support marriage equality.

Portugal's marriage equality debate has some pretty interesting timing, given that this week, the country is being visited by Pope Benedict XVI. Many of us know where the Pope falls on gay marriage. In different contexts, the Pope has called gay marriage more of a threat to the world than climate change, an attack on creation, and an obstacle to world peace.

So it only makes sense that Pope Benedict XVI would use the opportunity of his Portugal visit to denounce gay marriage, given that the country is set to become the latest member of the marriage equality club. And denounce it he did, during an open air Mass before at least 50,000 people at one of Catholicism's most holy shrines, Fatima.

The Pope called gay marriage "among the most insidious and dangerous challenges" to society. Insidious is a particularly offensive term to use there, right? I mean, depending on the context, it either means "treacherous," "sneaky," "perilous," "corrupt," or "snaky." Not entirely a set of adjectives that anyone wants to wear with pride.

So why in the face of a global sex abuse scandal, a heightened nuclear weapons race, the potential economic collapse of entire countries, and a worldwide epidemic of terrorism would the Pope choose to count gay marriage among the "dangerous" things in the world? Talk about hyperbole. And the Vatican wonders why barely anyone goes to Church in Portugal anymore.

Apparently Pope Benedict XVI isn't really listening to certain other Catholic leaders under his fold, like Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, who went on record last week saying that it's about time for the Catholic Church to rethink its position on gay relationships. Speaking to the UK Tablet, Cardinal Schönborn said that the time has come for a change in theological thinking.

"We should give more consideration to the quality of homosexual relationships," Cardinal Schönborn said. "A stable relationship is certainly better than if someone chooses to be promiscuous." In other words, the Cardinal said, gay relationships deserve respect.

Respect, of course, doesn't come neatly wrapped in insidiousness. Instead, that's language meant to demonize, something that happens all too frequently from Pope Benedict XVI during his tenure as Pontiff. Count today as another moment of disappointment when it comes to the Vatican's approach to love.

Article can be found here: http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/the_pope_tells_portugal_that_gay_marriage_will_kill_their_society

Gay for J - A vlog rant

Some people say some ridiculous things to me.

Coupley things

Don't you just love the little coupley things you do or have done with a partner? Little things that make you feel like you really connect and other people can only look into your world and not be a part of it. I love the little things J and I do.

• We say yes in different languages to each other. Mainly in French and in Maltese. I love how she sounds when she speaks to me in a foreign language, especially when she says 'oui' or 'iva'. In fact i just bought a necklace with 'oui' written onto a small coin and i love it (from junkjewels.co.uk).
• Before we sleep we always cuddle, usually with my head on her shoulder. When we're ready to sleep we roll away and sleep back to back. As soon as we wake up in the morning, without opening our eyes, we automatically turn round to face each other and start cuddling again. Because i'm smaller, i'm usually the one who gets squeezed and snuggled the most :). The mornings are my favourite time of day for this reason.
• Whenever we have disagreements (luckily we don't argue much), we tend to go a bit squealy, we sound like screeching cats lol. To relieve the tension, one of us usually says 'miaooww' and we both start giggling and the tension goes away!

Those are my favourite coupley things about us. There are loads more, but these are the ones that happen most often and that make me most smiley.

What are your coupley things?

Oh, I can't wait for Glee to start again :)

Ray of hope

I know I've already posted today, but I came across an article on the website of Malta's biggest, most popular newspaper and I decided that I had to share it with everyone. It's written by a 19-year old University student in Malta and it gives insight into the close-minded mentality a lot of people still hold in Malta with regards to gay rights. The girl herself is very honest and open about her upbringing and her opinion on gay rights and gay marriage. It gives little gays like me some hope that people like her will be in control one day and I can go back home and raise a family there without being judged one day. If anyone is interested in reading the article just click HERE.

J and I hope to move to Malta one day (fingers crossed we're together long enough lol!). We are very wrapped up in each other and have talked about the possibility of a family, though we know that there is a chance we won't be together in however many years time, it's nice to know that we share the same ideas and hopes for a family in the future. Regardless of J anyway (that sounds a bit harsh lol) I've never really fancied the idea of raising children in England as Malta is much much safer and everything is just a bit easier over there. Except of course being gay. So if i, or we, did want to move there to raise a family, we wouldn't be able to do it right now, so hopefully within the next 15 - 20 years Malta can progress and we will be able to live happily and in a non-homophobic environment.

Homosexuality was made legal back in 1973, and there are laws protecting gay people from abuse and discrimination. Even though that is really good considering Malta is a very Catholic country, you would think that by now, and with the influence that the media has over the world at the moment, we would have progressed further. But alas, I have to wait and read blogs by people my age hoping they will one day help to change the backwards ideas that the Maltese people still hold.

Phew! Rant over :)

Coming out to strangers and great boobie news

out to strangers is really bizarre. It's completely different to telling someone you know, yet it still feels just as hard. I've been lucky here in England because i've known most of them since more or less the time when J and i got together, or else they didn't know me well enough to know whether i was gay or not so it was easy for me to tell them. It wasn't as easy to tell people back home, but i was quietly confident/hopeful that that would be ok with it.

It seems coming out to strangers is the hardest of the three. I still find myself calling J my friend, even though we've been together for almost 18 months. I really have to push the words 'my girlfriend' out of my mouth. Hardly anyone at the school where I work knows about J and today i mentioned her in a conversation and said 'my friend' and then finally, at the end of the conversation, mentioned 'my girlfriend'. I think it's probably subconsciously feeling that they will judge me, as well as the fact that i haven't been out very long, it's all very confusing.

I also find telling men is much easier than telling women. Again, i think maybe it's because i subconsciously worry that a woman might feel awkward around me if they knew i was gay. Why, i do not know. I've never really thought about it until today. Has anyone else ever thought about it? One of the strangest thing was putting J down as my next of kin on my hospital forms, seeing as she's the only family i have here.

Oh, and i finally have a date for my breast reduction surgery, it's going to take place on 7th June! I have a pre-op assessment next Wednesday. Keep an eye out because i'm going to start a different blog about it, mainly because i've read other people's blogs about their experiences and they played a big part in my decision as to whether or not to actually have the surgery. Yay!

Pride and joy

Today i am very proud of J. In May she finished her degree and one of her lecturers (who is gay, and who she's crazy about btw, but such is life when having an honest girlfriend) has almost got her a job teaching at college. On top of that, she emaild the people behind the feminist website The F Word with a suggestion for an article and was told that it's a brilliant idea and they old love for her to write it for them. It seems J is quite the writer, she had a creative writing class at uni and was told by her lecturer that she should try and get some of her stuff published. So today i am extremely proud of her.

I hadn't heard of the website before, so obviously i had to do a bit of snooping and checked it out. I found this article, about Same-sex hand holding (Sshh!) Saturday.

On this day, same-sex couples and friends all over the world are encouraged to hold hands in public to support the visibility of Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans (LGBT) people. Sshh! Saturdays will occur on the last Saturday of every month, publicised by A Day In Hand. This is a revolutionary way of encouraging and inspiring LGBT people to take responsibility for their equality and live their lives without fear or restraint.

Read the whole thing, i think it's a brilliant idea, especially if people outside the LGBT community take part to show their support.


In other news, tomorrow i'm off to Sicily for a week with my mum, and in 12 days i go back to Derby and to J, which i absolutely cannot wait for. I'm going to take her out for dinner as soon as i arrive, i was thinking sushi as there's a sushi place that opened up in Derby a couple of weeks before i left back in June and we never got the chance (or had enough money) to go and eat there. Now's our chance, before i become a social hermit and have to focus on finishing my bloody degree. Arghhh.

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

Social Awareness

Isn't it strange how once you become aware of something, it seems to be all around you? Our friends are Derby are organising a Drag Kings float. Now i'm watching the episode of Sex and the City that centres around mixed genders. There's an artist who photographs drag kings and uses Charlotte as one of his models, and being dressed as a man she is more uninhibited than she usually is. At the same time Carrie is dating a younger bisexual guy and she feels weird about it. A few nights ago i watched one of the episodes where Samantha has a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because i seem more aware of it now, or if it's just weird that everywhere i look there seem to be lesbians or bisexuals. Or maybe it's because people are becoming more accepting of it now. Who knows.

I'm finally starting to enjoy being back home. My mum and my brother aren't talking which is a bit weird and they don't seem too bothered about it, but my dad is really stressing about it. And obviously whenever im alone with my dad he complains about my mum and vice versa. They always seem to be arguing when i'm here and my dad told me today that they don't usually argue so much and it only seems to be when im home that they argue. Thanks dad! I know he didn't mean it that way but that's the way it came out. I'm enjoying the heat though, and finally getting some colour, yay! I really do miss J though, and the sex lol.

Today, like all other days

I am procrastinating. Except the essay is due in tomorrow and i haven't even done the reading for it yet. *Blush*

Anyway, i am too excited about the prospect of not actually having any work to do. J and I were meant to be going to Birmingham this weekend but we can't afford it, but at least we have the weekend off to spend some time together. We spend a lot of time together, but it's usually at work or at home after work. Even though i love it when she stays over, even if it is just a sleepover, then we go off to work during the day and meet up again in the evening. She's at work till 1am now then she's coming here after.

I think night times and mornings are my favourite parts of the day with her. This morning i woke up and turned over to face her, i put my arm around her and she opened her eyes, looked at me and a massive smile spread across her face.
Last night we got into bed and she cuddled up against me, with her face nestled in my neck and her arm tightly around me and she fell asleep while i was watching tv. She looked so gorgeous, i wish i'd my camera handy so i could show you all how lovely she looked.

Anyway, enough with the soppy stuff. Here's a meme I nicked off Jess I am. You're meant to tag people and stuff, but i'm only doing it to avoid my work some more!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. Going to sleep with J.

2. Waking up next to J

3. Finishing this essay

4. Possibly having a breast reduction!

5. Summer - the Maltese sun mainly

6. Benicassim Music Festival 2009.

7. J coming to Malta

8. Going to Aberdeen

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Watched Chelsea being cheated out of the Champion's League Final :(

2. Had a giggle with J.

3. Wasted a lot of time

4. Went to the library at uni.

5. Considered getting a hamster

6. Drank a pint of beer

7. Ate a plate of chips and cheese

8. Avoided responsibilities (essay, laundry, dishes, shower, vacuuming etc.)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Sing

2. Dance

3. Travel the world

4. Will my boobs smaller/back to bigger depending on my mood

5. Play the piano

6. Come out to my family and the rest of my friends

7. Finish this essay

8. Get a job that pays loads after i graduate

8 Shows I Watch:

Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Eastenders, The Hills, ANTM, QI, Big Bang Theory, Hollyoaks.


Voila.

It really was one of those days

Noone tipped me at work today. I'm not happy. I usually get about £20, sometimes i even get £40, but it's just been ridiculous lately. One woman got up and told my tips were on the table, and i went to the table and there was nothing there! How horrible is that! She must've been taking the piss! Twat.

Also, in my post on Friday i mentioned that J and i spent the night at her friend's house. Well her friend didn't know, and she asked me about it today and i said yeah we did, and she's not so mad, but i feel so bad. I don't want anything to happen between J and her cos they're best friends and it would be horrible if they fell out cos of this. I feel so so bad.

Lizzy the Lezzy quiz

Take the Lizzy the Lezzy Muff Muncher Quiz!





Lol!

What would you do?

Most of my friends still don't know about J. My best friend T (who i mentioned a few posts back) doesn't know and she's one of the people i'm scared to tell the most. I don;t know why it is, but i am. She's like my baby sister but at the same time we've ended up snogging on drunken nights out. I think i'm worried she'll think i fancied her and think that i snogged her because of that.
Anyway, T and i (and two of her friends) are going to Benicassim music festival in Spain this summer, which i am insanely excited about :D.

There are 11 weeks and 1 day until Festival Internacional de Benicassim 2009

J and her best friend are also going and we plan to meet up while we're both there. Now i go home on 11th June, Beni's between 13th and 23rd July, so this would basically be the first time we'd have seen each other in more than a month. I mentioned to her best mate that when i went to see them i would go alone, and i think J got offended. I tried to explain that if my friends don't know about us yet, i'd rather find her on my own. Can you imagine how weird it would be to meet your girlfriend for the first time in more than month and have to act like you're not together? Thinking about it now makes me want to cry, i can't imagine what it's going to be like. I hope to have told T by the time we go to Beni, but if i haven't i'd rather meet J alone and be able to at least give her a hug and a kiss. She hasn't replied to my last text. She's been really understanding about the fact that i've hardly told anyone back home yet so this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. I also asked her what she'd do when she comes home to visit me in August. I haven't told my parents yet and she's asked me not to tell them till after they meet her. Fair enough, i understand why and i think it's a good idea cos i think they'll love her and i don;t want them to judge her. But isn't this the same thing? Will she get offended if don't hold her hand in front of my parents like i wouldn't in front of my friends?

Hmmm i don't know. Any wise opinions? At least wiser than mine!

Love, life and work

I realise i haven't written any proper updates, i've just been filling in memes. Nothing much has happened really, apart from the doctor thing. I worked most of the weekend, which was crap cos it was a nice weekend weather-wise so noone wanted to go to the cinema, or eat inside a building with no natural light.

I've probably mentioned before that i work in a cinema. It's a fancy thing (at least it's meant to be) and there's a restaurant inside it, which is where J and I work. I'm a waitress. There's also another bar which has it's own screens and its meant to be a bit fancier than the rest of the cinema (it's called the director's lounge). The service should be better, you can take food and alcohol into the film, and the atmosphere is meant to be different. The only problem is tickets cost about £15 so unless there's a really good film on, its not very busy. Now in our restaurant we have a nice big 42" LCD tv, which we can watch when there's noone in (which at the moment is most of the time). In director's however, there is nothing. Just depressing music. It is so boring in there when it's not busy. And on Saturday i had a 10 hour shift in there. OH MY GOD. It was painful. Luckily i was sent home early but for 7 and a half hours i did fuck all. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I was in again on Sunday, but luckily back in 'our' restaurant. Again, in 5 hours i think i served 6 people.

Things with J and i are still really good. We've been together for 6 months now and this is fast becoming my longest, most serious, and probably best relationship ever. When i think about it, it still seems strange to me that the person i've found is a woman. Not that it matters, but you know, i wasn't expecting to meet a man let alone a woman. I guess it shows that you never know what to expect.

One way that i can tell that she really does love me is football. Yes, football. I mean soccer, not american football. So i'm an obsessive Chelsea fan, and last night there was a match on and J came along with me and she really got into it! Until a couple of months ago, she refused to come with me because she doesn't like football, and now she's willingly coming along with me. And she's also admitting that she's starting to enjoy it too!

We seem to finally be getting used to sleeping in a single bed together too lol. We used to sleep ok, but we'd wake up a lot in the middle of the night and we'd have quilt steling and space stealing problems. I think we're used to it now cos we both have enough space, enough quilt, and we both sleep through the night now. By the time i get back to Derby after the summer she'd have moved in with her best friend, who lives in town, so it means we'll finally have a double bed. We do stay at hers sometimes but not often because she lives in the suburbs not in the town centre, which is where i live. So its easier for the both of us because of work and uni if she stays here.

Anyway, i'm going to make some food and then continue my schizophrenia essay. Ponder this:

To what extent does the use of antipsychotic drugs as treatment for schizophrenia inform us about its underlying cause?

That's the question i have to answer. It's quite straight forward, i just have to get down to it and hopefully i'll have it finished by tonight. Fingers crossed!

An essay comparing and contrasting the theoretical background of DP with that of IPA.

Interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA) and discursive psychology (DP) are two of the most prominent methods of research analysis in qualitative methods. Smith (2008) states that “the aim of IPA is to explore in detail how participants make sense of their personal and social world.” On the other hand, DP is “an approach that treats psychology as an object in and for interaction” (Potter, 2005).


I. Cannot. Concentrate. At. All. This is essay is due in Friday and all I've done is half the introduction, which is absically a couple of quotes strung together with a few well-suited words. I saw J yesterday but only for about half an hour at uni. I haven't seen her since Friday before that, and all i can think about is when she comes over later! And when we go to Birmingham in two weeks for other J's birthday. And staying at hers when her parents go away. And going to Beni in July. And J and the others coming to Malta in August. Basically anything except my essay on interpretative phenomenological analysis and discursive psychology (took me about 5 minutes to write that sentence).

Also, as you may or may not have realised from my last few posts, i can't stop thinking about sex. With J. She's at home writing her dissertation, and all we seem to talk about when we're not together is sex. Which doesn't relly help seeing as we're both really busy at them moment and we can't see each other as often as we normally do. It's driving me insaaane!

This doesn't really help either.

If anything ever changes..

I'm going to have to come back to this post. We've had an amazing couple of days. I completely believe the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. She came over on Wednesday night and we had amazing sex, it was better than i remember it. I don't know if she's doing something different or if its just that i missed her so much, but everything just seemed better. Even though it was amazing before i left. I slept like a log and woke up in heaven cos she was next to me for the first time in more than 2 weeks.

Yesterday we decided to go to Birmingham for the day and her best friend was going to Birmingham to meet her girlfriend there, so we got a ride with her. Before we went to meet her we had breakfast in the pub, just like we did the first day. First thing we did when we arrived was get a pint and then we went to the Bullring to do some window shopping. At about 7 we decided to get some dinner and went to a really nice bar and had some really good food. While we were there we decided to stay the night in Birmingham, so she rang a hotel and after we ate we checked in, left the few things we'd bought and went out for a few drinks. Birmingham have a little gay village and we went back to the place we had dinner, which was a really nice gay bar, and then went on to a lesbian bar. It was so good to be with her, i was so proud to walk down the street holding her hand and to kiss her in public. It was just amazing. We played pool, drank cocktails and cider, giggled and kissed. I completely forgot about all my uni work and all i could think about was her. We met the others for a bit then went back to the hotel and had more fantastic sex.

We woke up today and went for lunch and did some more pottering around the shops. We caught the train back and she came over and we had more sex, which seems to get better every time. I have no idea what it is, but it's just incredible.
I'm so happy i think i could burst. The cheesy, barf-worthy, sickening kind of happy that usualy makes me feel sick, but now i just couldn't care less. I want people to see us kissing on the bus, holding hands at the bar. I want everyone to know how fantastic she is and how good she makes me feel.

I realise noone might want to hear this, but i'm so happy!

Home at last

Well, home 2. Or Home 1 of 2. I don't know it's confusing! Home is where the heart is they say, and half of it is here in Derby with J and the other half back home with my family and friends. Anyway, i'm just happy to be back :). I went to see J at work on my way home from the train station and it was amazing, i couldn't take my hands off her! Even though she was at work muahaha.. She's meant to be on till 10 but they're letting her leave early and she's on her way over now :). Yay :D. I'm a very very happy bunny now. And i'll be even happier in about 15 minutes when she arrives. Yay :D :D.

Have I turned bi??

I was talking (on msn) to a guy who i slept with about year ago. Just the normal small talk, how's uni, how's work, what's Malta like bla bla. I told him the weather was nice here, but it got a bit cold today. Then i said well, my girlfriend told me that it was sunny and warm back in england, so he wasn't missing much. He replied that it wasn't that warm in england, and then asked me, "have you turned bi?" Turned bi?? I didn't have time to reply to him because i was using my phone and my battery dies as soon as he said that. I went to get my laptop so i could reply but it has too much shit on it and takes an age to start up nowadays, and by the time i got back on msn he was gone.

Turned bi?? Maybe turned gay but how can you be turned bi? This is really starting to confuse me now. Surely i've always been bi. It can't be that all of sudden, on that specific day when I drunkenly kissed J in the middle of a club, i had just suddenly 'turned bi'. Since we slept together i haven't really liked this guy (R). He was a bit patronising and i was drunk and rebounding, the sex was crap and he was disgustingly skinny and i've always held this against him. He rarely talks to me and only ever does if he wants to meet up with, and me being rather untrusting of men i always assume he wants one thing.

The more i think about it, the more i think i must have always been bi, i just never found a woman who i liked, before J.

We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.

When I'm bored I..

... Do loads of pointless of quizzes! Usually I'd them on facebook, but today I decided to google some.
First: Which L Word character are you?
I think I did about 3 or 4 of these, just cos I was that bored.
I got 3 Alices and one Dana. Of course, having seen all 6 series of the L Word in about 3 months, I knew how to manipulate the quiz and I wanted to be Alice :). No idea how Dana came about.

Next I took the Which type of lesbian are you?
I did two, and got femme for both, but i was shocked at the fact that there are so many lesbian stereotypes! Apart from the obvious bitch and femme, and hippy, there were lipstick lesbians, tomboy, leather dyke, wiccan lesbian, soccer dyke, goth, country, confused (aka bi), bohemian dyke, magic earring ken dyke (wtf?), vaginal-reference-making dyke, stud, pretty boi dyke, hipster dyke, sprightly elfin femme, granola dyke, little-boy dyke, student dyke and finally the Surprise! dyke. All from two quizzes! Am I just naiive or does this seem a bit much? Even in the straight world there isn't this much stereotyping! I studied stereotyping in a couple of my social psych modules, now i'm beginning to think they leave out one very important aspect of social stereotyping.

The joy of having "nothing" to do

I have spent the day doing absolutely fuck all. I've been on the internet about 90% of the time and have sat in front of the tv for exactly 99% of the time (i took the dogs out for about 10 minutes). For the past two hours I've intended to have a bath, but literally cannot be bothered, even though I really can't wait to have one. We only have a shower in halls, so i'm going to have at least one bath a day while i'm at home. I don't actually have anything to do. I haven't finished that essay that i was meant to finish before i came back, but i've put that off till this evening. Plus i should be reading/researching/preparing notes for all my other crappy assignments. But i'm home! And i haven't been here for 3 months, so i'm making the most of it.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going out to lunch in the sunshine with all my friends. Well, all the important girl friends. We've known each other since school, since we were 13 at least (some even longer). So much has changed since then! One of my best friend's has a baby boy who's 5 months old now. Haven't seen him since christmas obviously and she's sent me some photos and he just looks so chubby and cute and i can't wait to see him tomorrow! Plus most of my friends don't know i have a girlfriend. Well hardly anyone in Malta knows i have a girlfriend. But that's another story and another post about how chicken I am to tell everyone.

When I came back for christmas we hadn't even been together for 2 months so I didn't really think about it too much. I told a couple of people and it felt great, but i didn't worry too much. Now we've been together for almost six months, we've just said the L word and I can't actually stop thinking about her. So it would be good to have the guts to tell everyone about her. The only thing is, I haven't even come to terms with the fact that i may be gay, in my mind i'm bisexual at least, so at least i have my options open. My brother's room is right next to door to my mum's and we were in there yesterday just after i got back. He was calling me a lesbian and it felt really strange! I think i need longer than 5 months to come to terms with it..