Monday, 28 June 2010

New bras and scars

That first day of the operation passed quite quickly, as the anaesthetic wore off I slept for most of the rest of the day (which wasn't very long as I was in the theatre for 5 hours), the only time I was properly awake was when I had to go the toilet. I had a drain in each of my boobs, so going to the toilet that first time was hard, i had a drain in each hand therefore no hands free. After a strange night's sleep I woke up feeling more myself.

The drains weren't so bad, except if I forgot about them the entry wounds stung like bitch! Luckily I took to the hospital treatment well and avoided moving as much as possible! My first drain was taken out just the morning after, and the second drain the morning after that.

The first time I saw them properly was when one of the nurses fitted me with a bra. There was a mirror in the fitting room and when I took my gown off and looked in the mirror it was as if I was looking at someone else's body. It just didn't look like me. I mean they still looked like my boobs but there were bits of body I hadn't seen for years! Ha;f of the skin between my belly button and underneath my boobs had been covered by boob mass for so many years, it was so surreal to look in the mirror and see these average-sized, perky breasts with normal sized nipples on my body.

They have been healing very well, they were never very bruised, just lots of yellow bruising, no massive purpleness or anything. My dressings were taken off only a week after the operation. I have dissolvable stitches with dark purple glue holding everything together. The glue falls off when the wound has healed, and now, 3 weeks on, most of the glue has fallen off. They're a bit dry and I need to moisturise them often and out stuff on the scars, but they're still a little temder, at least one is. The nipple on my left boob is still sre, and every time I brush it (you really take for granted how easily you brush your boobs against things) it makes me very aware.

Whilst there was a little bit of suffering and strangeness and sadness (part of me will miss my gigantic bosom), I'm really happy with the results. They look completely in proportion with my body shape and height (except for the massive belly I have grown since I haven't been very active for 3 weeks plus my mum's been here fattening me up!). I have already bought clothes that I would never have been bale to buy before, including shirts which button up all the way without gaping! Proper, fitted, womeny shirts, which I shall be wearing, smart ocassion or not, from now on. I have only tried on one bikini and couldn't really look past the glue sticking poking out in places so I'm going to wait a while longer before I dive into them. i think I'm going to need ones that cover up the scars properly this year, because they'll obviously still be very pronounced.

So that's that! The 2kg the surgeon removed from my chest I seem to have accumulated onto my belly, even though I think my belly is exactly the same, it's just that there isn't a massive mass of boob to draw attention away from it! It will have to go sharpish.

J and my mum have both been amazing throughout this. From the start, the first time I showed J my new boobs she said she loved them already and thought they looked perfect on me. I think her (and my mum's, but her's mainly cos I obviously want her to love them) encouragement has been a great help. If I was with someone who didn't want me to get it done then I don't think I owuld have been happy with the results, whereas now I'm excited about being naked with her again (I have to wear a sports bra for 4 - 6 weeks, no underwire, 3 down!), properly naked! I'm also excited about underwear, these support bras have left me with no cleavage which is a strange phenomenon to me.

So that's that!
Whenever I think about it, I still can't believe I've actually had it done, but I'm so glad I have, and I'm sure that in a couple of months I'll have forgotten all the negatives to it and be enjoying th benefits of a much lighter chest.

At the moment my mum and I are in Cambridge staying with my aunt (the one who I visited in Aberdeen last year). J came to stay over the weekend and it was amazing, she got on really well with my aunt and everything was great.

Next weekend we are going to London to watch Jay Z and Lily Allen (AT LAST!) at Wireless festival, and we have also found out that London Pride is on at the same time! So I'm very excited about that! I've never been to any Pride and I think London Pride would be a very good way to lose my pride virginity!

Hope you are all enjoying your summers, and prides, and thank you for keeping up with me and my inconsistent posts.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

A complete change of body shape

I have wanted to write this post for weeks now, but have been a bit caught up in my mum being here, my boobs being reduced, moving to a new flat, waiting for and then receiving results.. I'll start with the boobs, which have completely overshadowed my 21st birthday (sad face) and the end of my time as an undergraduate. So I had said that I would write a blog about my breast reduction, well I was wrong. I haven't wanted to share the experience with anyone other than J and very close friends and relatives, mainly because initially it really shook me up.

At 7.15am on the 7th of June my mum, J and I arrived at the hospital. I was asked to be there for 7.30 so when I arrived and they didn't have a bed ready I thought it was fine, I'm early anyway, I can wait a little bit. Weellll we waited ages, we spent 4 hours in the day room reading magazines (I was called into the ward every now and then to talk to the anaesthesist and the surgeon, and for the surgeon to mark me up) until they called me in for surgery at around 11.30am. The surgeon had said that he would take out almost half of each breast, each one weighed about 2kg so he would take about 1kg from each. Before I went down a nurse told me that after the surgery I would be woken up in the recovery room and then brought up to the ward where there would be a space waiting for me. I went down, my mum was there, the anaesthesists (one of whom was rather fit) were talking to me, and the next thing I know I woke up in a weird room with two weird doctors jabbering and shuffling about. I hated waking up in the recovery room. There was a male doctor, who was a bit brash with me, shoved a syringe (without a needle of course) with painkillers into my mouth, half of it dribbled down my face and I obviously had no idea what was going on. Maybe it was me but I did not like that doctor, and I especially did not like waking up with no familiar faces around me, not even the fit anaesthesist's.

Anyway, they took me up to the ward and let my mum and J come and see me and I just wanted to cry! I was completely overwhelmed by it all, but at least I wasn't in any pain.

I'm going to stop there for now because this post could go on forever and I've been MIA recently on here, my excuse is we have no internet at the new flat, I've been using my blackberry for the really important things like facebook (haha) but typing long posts out is a pain in the arse on my teeny tiny keyboard.

See you soon, and more often!

Thursday, 27 May 2010

I am totally spoilt

So the 10th of June is my 21st birthday. My breast reduction is on the 7th, I will more than likely be bedbound on my special day. My amazing mum bought me the camera last week, it's amazing, once J moves into the new flat and we're a bit more settled I'll post all the best pics on flickr. So my mum spoilt me, she bought me an amazing present 3 weeks before my birthday. Now yesterday I waited at J's cos the presents she bought me were due to arrive while she was at work. So I waited and they arrived and I left to meet J after work. Basically, she wasn't going to let me open them till my birthday, but because I'll be bed bound she said I could open them. And oh my! She bought me a Wii! We both want one and I couldn't believe she'd bought it!! Then I opened the other one and she'd only got me a bloody Blackberry (which where I'm posting this from). So yeah, I am completely spoilt. The luckiest almost 21 year old EVER! I actually cannot believe she's got them for me! I cried when I opened them too, I was a bit o

Plus the fact that J will no longer be living with friend X after the weekend (she's been especially horrible since J started moving her stuff out). The flat is amazing, the flat mates are amazing, and my mum's going to be here. We're also going to see my aunt in Cambridge, the one who lived in Aberdeen last year. We're really close and I haven't seen her since then. Plus I am very much enjoying being free of responsibilities at the moment :)!

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

The Future...

... has me so excited! Yesterday I had my first exam, which went really really well, and on Friday I have my last exam of my undergraduate degree. I can't believe that I'm going to finish uni, after everything I've been through and the big changes I went through, moving to England, boyfriends, girlfriends, sadness, happiness, homesickness, richness, skintness, jobs I love, jobs I hate and most of all all the things I've learnt over the past 3 years. Not just university stuff but things about myself. And I've grown so much, I've changed, not a lot, but I definitely has changed, and to think that such an important amazing time in my life is coming to end is a bit weird and sad.

BUT I'm also incredibly incredibly excited about the future. The little things and the big things like the fact that J and I will be moving in together soon, with a couple of friends of ours, in a 3 bedroom flat modern flat and friend X will be nowhere in sight! The rent is really really cheap too because we're all sub-letting and there's 4 of us, which means we will have more money for travels!

Firstly I'm excited about my breast reduction as you will all probably, maybe know by now. After waiting so long for it the bloody thing is less than 3 weeks away! I will be writing a blog about that, mainly because over the years I have read a few and they have been really helpful to me but they were by women in very different circumstances to me. I have always found this problem with my boobs. There are bras made for people with massive tits but they're not really to a teenager's taste. From the age of 14 i have been wearing the same bras that my mum buys, not that there's anything wrong with them but I used to feel so left out when shopping with my friends and they all bought cute little bras with cute little designs on them or sexy plunge bras. I hated it! And I found that many of the blogs I have come across are experiences of older women whose boobs didn't shrink after they'd had kids, or who had big boobs most of their life but it didn't really bother them till now. None of them seemed to relate to me, except certain issues about what size to go down to, so I thought it would be good to put my experience out there too.

Oh did I mention my mum's coming to Derby for a month when I have my operation? That's going to be interesting, but I can't wait to see her, it will have been about 6 months since I last saw her when she comes.

Then there's Wireless, then Malta, then moving in with J, then life... And did I mention I have a new camera to document it all on?

Not to mention I am still head over heels in love with J, she makes me so ridiculously happy and everything seems to be working out for us perfectly at the moment :).

My mum bought me the Sony Cyber Shot DSC-TX5 for my 21st birthday :D (which is 3 days after my op). I saw it and I fell in love with it and I think it's a very appropriate present for my 21st :).

Anyway, I got a bit excited, I wrote it all down. Friend X is being a dick to J so now I am less excited more fuming that my girlfriend has to put up with such shit from a liar and a hypocrite. At least she's moving out of that evil house 4 months then she was originally going to.

I hope everyone is as excited as I am :)

Friday, 14 May 2010

Pope Benedict shares more words of wisdom

God I'm ashamed to be catholic sometimes.

The Pope Tells Portugal That Gay Marriage Will Kill Their Society

Portugal passed gay marriage legislation earlier this year, and within the next week, that legislation might be set to go into effect. All that's left is for Portugal's Prime Minister, Jose Socrates, to sign the law; a step most folks think he'll take, since during his campaign last year, he pledged to support marriage equality.

Portugal's marriage equality debate has some pretty interesting timing, given that this week, the country is being visited by Pope Benedict XVI. Many of us know where the Pope falls on gay marriage. In different contexts, the Pope has called gay marriage more of a threat to the world than climate change, an attack on creation, and an obstacle to world peace.

So it only makes sense that Pope Benedict XVI would use the opportunity of his Portugal visit to denounce gay marriage, given that the country is set to become the latest member of the marriage equality club. And denounce it he did, during an open air Mass before at least 50,000 people at one of Catholicism's most holy shrines, Fatima.

The Pope called gay marriage "among the most insidious and dangerous challenges" to society. Insidious is a particularly offensive term to use there, right? I mean, depending on the context, it either means "treacherous," "sneaky," "perilous," "corrupt," or "snaky." Not entirely a set of adjectives that anyone wants to wear with pride.

So why in the face of a global sex abuse scandal, a heightened nuclear weapons race, the potential economic collapse of entire countries, and a worldwide epidemic of terrorism would the Pope choose to count gay marriage among the "dangerous" things in the world? Talk about hyperbole. And the Vatican wonders why barely anyone goes to Church in Portugal anymore.

Apparently Pope Benedict XVI isn't really listening to certain other Catholic leaders under his fold, like Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schönborn, who went on record last week saying that it's about time for the Catholic Church to rethink its position on gay relationships. Speaking to the UK Tablet, Cardinal Schönborn said that the time has come for a change in theological thinking.

"We should give more consideration to the quality of homosexual relationships," Cardinal Schönborn said. "A stable relationship is certainly better than if someone chooses to be promiscuous." In other words, the Cardinal said, gay relationships deserve respect.

Respect, of course, doesn't come neatly wrapped in insidiousness. Instead, that's language meant to demonize, something that happens all too frequently from Pope Benedict XVI during his tenure as Pontiff. Count today as another moment of disappointment when it comes to the Vatican's approach to love.

Article can be found here:

Thursday, 13 May 2010

8 days...

... till I finish uni!
Also, wow I have 91 followers! I've been MIA recently but I've had loads of uni work and work work but soon I will be finished and having more fun and more time :).
Also, I have got myself a tumblr, because... Well because I had to, I'm stupid like that.
Click here to go to my tumblr :)

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Election confusion

With the English election getting closer and closer, and the power of the EU allowing me to vote, I am insanely confused about who to vote for. I've watched the debates, read the articles and still have no idea. First, I came across this website, which makes it obvious that Conservatives are a no-go. It all seemed pretty simple before, get Labour out of government for a number of reasons by voting conservative. Not happening, especially after this came out yesterday: Tory candidate Philip Lardner suspended for gay comment. They may have suspended him but the conservative party is just that, so Mr. Lardner is probably not on his own, he's just the only one stupid enough to speak out about it.
Next i came across this How should I vote in the general election 2010? on the Telegraph website. You answer a number of questions and then choose the parties you would like to compare your results with. Whilst there no questions on gay issues, I thought it would be interesting to see anyway. I chose Labour, Tories and Lib Dems, since no one else really has a chance, and the BNP just for a laugh. Lo and behold, according to this questionnaire my top match (With about 45%) was with the BNP!! Second were Lib Dems (44%). It didn't really make sense to me, shouldn't they have polar opposite policies? The Lib Dems aren't so harsh about Immigration, which is one of BNP's biggest issues. Who knows.
Finally, I would like to vote Lib Dem. However, with the way seats are distributed, even if they achieve an overall majority, they still won't have enough seats in parliament. For this reason my dad thinks I should vote conservative, just to keep labour out. But I do not want to vote conservative, mainly for the reasons mentioned above. So J thinks we should vote labour since they are the lesser of two evils when it comes to issues that affect us.

Who knows, it's all too confusing. Malta's elections are so much easier, where you are 'born' into a party, the whole family would have been supporting them since the beginning of time and you basically have no choice in the matter. This is too much responsibility for a 20 year old, confused, gay/bi foreign person to take in!

In other less confusing but just as life-changing news, I came across a post-graduate course that sounds perfect for me. PERFECT. It's a Doctor of Educational and Child Psychology at the University of Sheffield, which is ranked number 18 in England overall and number 11 in England for Psychology. When I came across it yesterday I got so excited, I considered changing my plans for next year. It's close to Derby so i could commute, but then I remembered why I chose to take a year out. I'm not ready for a full on three year doctorate course and I definitely can't afford. I told J about it and she told me to apply for it, but anyway applications for September 2010 are closed, but in a few months I can and will apply for 2011. I think the thing I'm excited the most about is having a Doctorate by the time I'm 25! J said she would move to anywhere with me, so we could move to Sheffield if we fancied it too.

I am stupidly excited about the future, the near future, the distant future and anything that might happen in between. I've handed my dissertation in and I'm really happy with it. I'M SO EXCITED!

Friday, 23 April 2010

Gay for J - A vlog rant

Some people say some ridiculous things to me.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

I can hardly wait

Some of you may have seen this, if you have I'm sure you will want to watch it again. If you haven't seen it, you should definitely watch it now.

TMI Tuesday

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?
Not sexy but not necessarily disgusting. Definitely uncomfortable.

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?
No, until it gets too much that you feel like you're going to explode if the sex doesn't happen.

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?
Good, all the time. Giving, receiving, upside down, right way round, it's ALWAYS ALWAYS EPICLY BRILLIANT.

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?
Depends on the mood!

5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."
Sex at any time of the day is yoh hell yes, and morning;s no different.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?
I have not had anonymous sex, I've always known the person's name at least. J's is the only person who's made me come and I definitely know who she is lol.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

It hurts a little bit

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Random facts about me

I am wasting time as always...

Ask me anything: Formspring

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Some people never learn

I have wanted to blog about this for a while but have never got round to it. Now it's getting to me so I need some advice from you wise people in blogland. My friend A has been seeing this girl for about 10 months. This girl, let's call her GF, came into A's life at a very hard time in A's life as her mum had just died of cancer. Literally just, they started seeing each other a couple of weeks before. I wasn't in Derby at the time, I was back home, but I spoke to A and she said she was doing ok.

They made their relationship 'official' around end of August time I think, just before I came back. However, GF is a couple of years younger than A and wasn't happy being tied down, so between August and January they split up and got back together, or split up and started seeing each other, or were in an open relationship loads of times. Each time I would tell A you need some time away from her to clear your head, but they kept sleeping together and getting back together.

Now, after the last time they split up, which was just before Christmas, everything seemed ok. They seemed happy together, they went on holiday together (which A paid for, but the financial dependence thing is a whole nother story) and everything seemed fine and dandy.

A couple of weeks ago GF started acting weird again, she told A she was bored and she need space from her. A gave her space, but when she did, GF would ring her and ask her to go round because she missed her. Hello?? Did you not just say you wanted space?? Anyway, this went on for a couple of weeks, then one night GF split up with A, spent the night with her and then changed her mind in the morning and promised she would help to try and make things better.

Now, one of the reasons things weren't as good between them was that GF had started spending time with her ex-girlfriend again, and the last time she had done this she had ended up sleeping with her (though she and A were 'on a break' at the time). Anyway, A said she didn't like that she was seeing her ex again, mainly because she acts really secretive about it.

Finally, last week GF split up with A and said it had nothing to do with said ex. However, GF had been using one of A's old phone, and when she took it back she found texts that basically showed she had kissed her ex and told her they were on a break when they were actually still together. At least A thought they were.

I'm not an expert or anything, but I have had my heart broken and I told A that she needs time away from GF because she's not been very nice to her, she's used her, she's selfish and unappreciative and A doesn't need it. I feel bad for getting angry about it but how else is she going to manage to get over her? Or at least show her that she might lose her for good if she doesn't pull her act together? Every time she needs anything, A goes running back, spending the night, buying food and clothes for her (even though GF still lives at home). So GF seems to think that whenever she needs anything A will do/give it to her, which she will to be fair.

Facebook hasn't helped either as I saw a post yesterday where GF invited one her friend's round to A's. And A has invited me to a show and GF is going too, and when I asked why this is she said that it was pre-planned, which I don't believe because I know she would have told me about it sooner if that was the case. Gah. Rant over.

Basically my point is, how would you get through to this girl? Make her understand that GF is bad for her and that no matter how hard it is, what she really needs is time away from her. Because I have no idea how to do it and I'm getting a bit annoyed that she complains and complains yet does nothing about it. This sounds really insensitive but it's true! Anyway, any help would be very welcome!

Saturday, 3 April 2010

I remember everything

I remember the first time I met you and I thought you didn't like me because you barely spoke to me.
I remember the first time you invited me out.
I remember when you and A asked me if I was gay in the taxi and I said no, even though I wanted to say yes, even though I didn't think I was gay.
I remember walking back from work with you and laughing all the way.
I remember the first time I saw you with you hair down, you looked so beautiful and I was so surprised that the back was shorter than the front.
I remember standing at the end of the bar laughing madly.
I remember when you were sitting at the end of the bar before a shift and I was standing behind the bar and you invited me out again and Berry was sitting next to you and she warned that you might rape me if I went out.
I remember changing my plans that week to go out with you that night.
I remember buying a new outfit for the night.
I remember how gorgeous you looked in your skinny jeans and cardi. I fell in love with your boobs on that day.
I remember feeling excited and nervous when your thigh rubbed against mine under the table.
I remember kissing you for the first time, feeling things I had never felt before when I kissed someone for the first time.
I remember stumbling home with you.
I remember lying naked underneath you and feeling more nervous than I had ever felt in my life.
I remember feeling happy and confident the next morning.
I remember the texts you sent me when I went away that day for a few days. I remember the way they made me smile, so much so that my friend assumed I was texting a boy.
I remember when you told me that you were with Vicky now. I remember when you came over and told me you didn't want to be with her.
I remember when you came over stinking drunk after I'd finished work and passed out on my bed in just your bra and nothing else.
I remember meeting your friends for the first time, some of whom I'm really close to now, and feeling insanely nervous.
I remember going out most nights of the week together, but whenever anyone asked us if we were together the answer was always no.

I remember thinking I would never be able to call you my girlfriend because I was definitely straight, even though we had been sleeping together for a month.

I remember the day when I realised I wanted to call you my girlfriend.

I remember being happier than I'd ever been in those first three months, but still thinking it would go nowhere.

I remember the day when I realised I was falling in love with you.

And I still fall in love with you more everyday. ♥

Beautiful voices sooth me

As many people do, I use Twitter mainly to stalk celebrities who like to be more candid on Twitter than they would ever be normally and ever were before the existence of Twitter. I follow the wonderful Sia on Twitter and she led me to my new favourite artist who goes by the name of Jess Harnel. She's Australian and unfortunately her album is only available in Australia at the moment (from what I gather anyway), but with a bit of digging i have managed to listen to the whole album, called 'Neon Heartache', and I am in love with it.
Plus I think she's gay. She must be, look at her.. Bit dykey, oui? And she sings about a girl leaving her in one her songs called 'Stay', as well as in other songs, another one called 'Meanwhile' mentions a 'she' and one of the lyrics is 'we kiss like lovers'. I might be relatively new to the wonderful world of lesbians but surely they are big give-aways! Anyway, she's brilliant, she's a mix of soul, indie and hip hop and her voice is ridiculously soothing. I'll let you decide for yourself. The song below is 'I Go', one of the only two songs I found of hers on youtube. There are others but they're live and they never sound as good do they. Enjoy :)

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Coupley things

Don't you just love the little coupley things you do or have done with a partner? Little things that make you feel like you really connect and other people can only look into your world and not be a part of it. I love the little things J and I do.
  • We say yes in different languages to each other. Mainly in French and in Maltese. I love how she sounds when she speaks to me in a foreign language, especially when she says 'oui' or 'iva'. In fact i just bought a necklace with 'oui' written onto a small coin and i love it (from
  • Before we sleep we always cuddle, usually with my head on her shoulder. When we're ready to sleep we roll away and sleep back to back. As soon as we wake up in the morning, without opening our eyes, we automatically turn round to face each other and start cuddling again. Because i'm smaller, i'm usually the one who gets squeezed and snuggled the most :). The mornings are my favourite time of day for this reason.
  • Whenever we have disagreements (luckily we don't argue much), we tend to go a bit squealy, we sound like screeching cats lol. To relieve the tension, one of us usually says 'miaooww' and we both start giggling and the tension goes away!
Those are my favourite coupley things about us. There are loads more, but these are the ones that happen most often and that make me most smiley.

What are your coupley things?

Oh, I can't wait for Glee to start again :)

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Marriage equality

TMI Tuesday & formspring

1. Have you ever broken something in someone's home unknown to them and never told them? If yes, explain.
Haha yes. A few years ago, because a friend of ours wouldn't leave the house so we went to extract him. His parents house has a gate leading onto a courtyard so we jumped over it and walked inside and gave him the fright of his life.

2. What's one sexual guilty pleasure that you wouldn't openly tell your friends about? Why?
Having sex with girls? Lol, my friends in England all know and so do my friends in Malta but in Malta it's still a taboo subject. When I first came out to them I told them the sex was amazing and they looked a bit uncomfortable, so I don't really talk to them about it.

3. Take a peek over any celebrity's shoulder in the bathroom...who are they and what are they reading?
Lily Allen, she's not reading, she's looking at naked pictures of me and wishing she was in them too :).

4. Roses are red, violets are blue...[finish this line with your own rhyme]
No one makes me shiver quite like you do.
(crap aren't I?)

5. Do you believe in ghosts or other supernatural activity? Why or why not?
Not really. Only because during my second year at uni I took a parapsychology module and had to write an essay on possible reasons for paranormal activity. There's too much evident against it, i'm a fact is fact kind of girl.

Bonus (optional): How many times have you thought about sex in the last 24 hours? What triggered it? Who did it involve? Provide as much details as you like.
Lots. I generally think about sex often because I like it, loads. It involved J, it also involved me drunkenly asking for sex last night. She doesn't like drunken sex, I like any sex. We haven't been having sex as often as we used to, simply because we have less time and we've kind of moulded ourselves into our relationship quite well.

Sorry my blog posts have been so crappy recently, not much is going on apart from the usual and I don't want to bore everyone with things you all already know!
Oh does everyone like my new header? I actually paid $10 for it, because I'm a loser and love all this technology malarkey, but can't actually do it myself. Haha!

Finally, send me some questions on formspring, maybe they'll inspire to write something other than memes or posts about ANTM lol :)

Friday, 26 March 2010

The eight tens meme

I'm printing off some articles which i need to read for my dissertation/thesis whatever you want to call it. While i do so i came across this meme on Sunday Stealing, which I found through Kara and Jessica's blog.

The eight tens meme


1. Are you single?

2. Are you happy?
99% of the time. By the end of May it will be a definite YES :)

3. Are you bored?
Kind of, i have way too much read. Though it's all about childhood obesity and body image, so it's actually quite interesting.

4. Are you naked?

5. Are you a blonde?

6. Are you moody?
Depends on the person i'm with

7. Are you a lover/hater?
Lover, though everyone has their hater moments

8. Are you hot/cold?

9. Are you Irish?

10. Are you Asian?


1. Name: Sophie

2. Nicknames: Patch, brimb, picca, jaj

3. Birth mark: Small one on my wrist, its lighter than the rest of my skin

4. Hair color: brown

5. Natural hair color: brown!

6. Eye color: brown

7. Height: short

8. Facebook Mood:there aren't moods on facebook.. if you mean status it's "doesn't like it when articles aren't referenced properly in real journal articles!"

9. Favorite color: blue, purple, brown, cream

10. One Place to Visit: Malta, duh :)


1. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Maybe. I believe that if there is something there, sparks will fly as soon as you meet that person, an instant connection will be made. Whether it's love or not is a different story.

2. Do you believe in soul mates?

4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally?

5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
I don't know

6. Have you ever been cheated on?
I don't think so

7. Have you ever liked someone and not told them?

8. Are you afraid of commitment?

9. Who was the last person you hugged?

10. Who was the last person you kissed?


1. Love or lust?
Love. I think with romantic love, lust is part of the package that it comes with.

Where's number 2 gone?

3. Cats or dogs?

4. A few best friends or many regular friends?
Few besties

5. Television or internet?

6. Chinese Or Indian?

7. Wild night out or romantic night in?
Romantic night in, i'm an old soul.

8. Money or Happiness?
Happiness, though no matter what anyone says, not having to worry about money makes anyone happier.

9. Night or day?

10. MSN or phone?
Phone, since you can get internet on there too now!


1. Been caught sneaking out?
No, i've never had to

2. Been skinny dipping?

3. Stolen?

4. Bungee jumped?

5. Lied to someone you liked?

6. Finished an entire jaw breaker?

8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back?

9. Cried because you lost a pet?
Yes :(

10. Wanted to disappear?


1. Smile or eyes?
Smile, because it lights up the eyes too!

2. Light or dark hair?
Medium coloured? I'm a sucker for a brunette anyway.

3. Hugs or kisses?
Both, you can't make me choose. A kiss whilst being hugged and squeezed and rubbed.

4. Shorter or taller?

5. Intelligence or attraction?
Intelligence - i started seeing a guy who was lovely in person and very nice to look at but was frustratingly thick. I had to explain everything to him twice. It didn't last very long.

6. Romantic or spontaneous?

7. Funny or serious?

8. Older or Younger?

9. Outgoing or quiet?

10. Sweet or Bad Ass?
A bit of both!


1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd?

2. Ever done drugs?

3. Ever been pregnant?

5. Ever been on a cheer leading team?
Haha, we tried at school but didn't keep it up. Its not a big thing in Malta.

6. Ever Been on a dance team?

7. Ever been on a sports team?

8. Ever been in a drama play/production?
School ones

9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley?

10. Ever been in a rap video?


1. Last phone call you made:
Trying to ring the hospital about my op!

2. Last person you hung out with:

4. Last time you worked:
Work work? Saturday. Uni work - today

5. Last person you tackled:
Haha J, i like pushing her back on to her bed everytime she gets up :)

6. Last person you IM’d:

8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with:

9. Last thing you missed:
My family

10. Last thing you ate:

Thursday, 25 March 2010

New ANTM, new favourite

What is it with stomachs? That's the first place I look. One of the reasons I love J is because of her tummy. She has stars down either side of hers, and if i didn't fancy the pants off her enough before, the first time i saw them i fell in love with them. I love kissing up and down them now :).

I made a formspring, i don't really know why. Actually i do. It's because i'm a sheep and if formspring is in, then i have formspring! Ask me questions, go on, you know you want to.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Love and Lily

EDIT: I'm going here on Sunday 4th July to watch Lily Allen support Jay Z! I love Lily Allen, J loves Jay Z, so it seemed like a pretty good plan! To make it even more awesome, it takes place at London's Hyde Park, and it's also going to be Lily Allen's last live show for a while! I can't wait! :D

Friday, 19 March 2010

Ray of hope

I know I've already posted today, but I came across an article on the website of Malta's biggest, most popular newspaper and I decided that I had to share it with everyone. It's written by a 19-year old University student in Malta and it gives insight into the close-minded mentality a lot of people still hold in Malta with regards to gay rights. The girl herself is very honest and open about her upbringing and her opinion on gay rights and gay marriage. It gives little gays like me some hope that people like her will be in control one day and I can go back home and raise a family there without being judged one day. If anyone is interested in reading the article just click HERE.

J and I hope to move to Malta one day (fingers crossed we're together long enough lol!). We are very wrapped up in each other and have talked about the possibility of a family, though we know that there is a chance we won't be together in however many years time, it's nice to know that we share the same ideas and hopes for a family in the future. Regardless of J anyway (that sounds a bit harsh lol) I've never really fancied the idea of raising children in England as Malta is much much safer and everything is just a bit easier over there. Except of course being gay. So if i, or we, did want to move there to raise a family, we wouldn't be able to do it right now, so hopefully within the next 15 - 20 years Malta can progress and we will be able to live happily and in a non-homophobic environment.

Homosexuality was made legal back in 1973, and there are laws protecting gay people from abuse and discrimination. Even though that is really good considering Malta is a very Catholic country, you would think that by now, and with the influence that the media has over the world at the moment, we would have progressed further. But alas, I have to wait and read blogs by people my age hoping they will one day help to change the backwards ideas that the Maltese people still hold.

Phew! Rant over :)

The BB award, Bloginterviewer, and a year of blog!

This week has been a lovely week for my dear old blog. Yesterday it turned one whole year old! I neglected it a little bit between summer and the new year, but i'm back and i'm loving it again!

Also, some wonderful person (tell me who you are!) nominated me for a Blog Interview! Thank you so much to whoever did, let me know who you are! You can read my interview here and, you know, vote for me if you want to :).

Finally the lovely Jude over at 7 Senses nominated me for a Beautiful Blogger award! Jude was one of the first people i followed when i started blogging a year ago, and one of the first to follow me back! So you should all go and say hi to her, if you haven't already :)

The rules of the award are:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

Ok, i don't think i'll be passing it along to 15 bloggers, but i'll leave that till the end.

Seven things about me, this is going to be hard, i tend to write about everything on here!
1. I was born, baptised and raised Catholic. I am Catholic but I don't practice, I don't go to church. Partly out of laziness, partly because I don't believe in a lot of what the church says. Especially the Maltese Catholic church: Gay is wrong, gay marriage is wrong, sex before marriage, children born outside of marriage, divorce, abortion.. The last two are both illegal in Malta because the church is such a dominating force over the government.

2. I am a terrible procrastinator. I usually have about 5 windows open at the same time, even more if i'm meant to be working. I watch youtube videos, refresh facebook, stalk people on twitter, read blogs, all to avoid doing anything merely productive.

3. The only time i stop procrastinating is when food is involved. I would choose food over almost anything. I love love love eating, i love savoury food, especially cheese. In fact i made my dad bring some maltese cheese over to England when he was here these past couple of days. I love meat, veg, fruit, pasta, bread, pizza, any and all types of food. Especially cheese. Oh and cheesecake. Yum!

4. I've only had two 'serious' boyfriends before J, and only slept with 3 guys before her. That one crazy drunken night changed my life forever!

5. Only one person in my life knows I blog, and she doesn't read it. The reason I started this blog was to be able to get things off my chest without worrying about offending others or being judged, so i've only ever told one woman, who did her first year of uni with me and came out around the same time i did. No one, not even J knows, which is a bit weird sometimes because i would like to tell her how well i'm doing suddenly, but I like having my own little space to get things off my chest :).

6. I don't have any tattoos, though i would like one but knowing me i'd cry in the chair lol! I'm a wimp, and J has told me many times that i probably wouldn't be able to sit through a whole session. I have one piercing, my belly button, which i got when i was 14. Sometimes i consider taking it out but my belly looks too weird without it.

7. My favourite part of my body is my hair :)

Ok, the people I'm going to pass this blog on to are:

More sex, chocolate and red lipstick - Amy here is a student, and her blog posts are always fun and interesting. I started following her on blogspot and now she has migrated over to wordpress and i've only just managed to put her back on to my blog list. On top of that, she's pretty hot!

Finding Claire - Claire writes about her life with her girlfriend, pretty much in the same way I do, and I love reading about what they get up to, as well as beign able to relate to what's going on in her life :)

Just, because - Ashleigh is also gay and has a girlfriend, and a little younger than me, so i love reading her blog because i wasn't out when i was her age, and to read things from her perspective is great.

Learning how to sail my ship - Finally, Crystal is another lesbian who i love reading, it's just nice to get a little insight into peoples thoughts and feelings, and Crystal writes about things and people she likes as well as her life.

Check them out, i love them!

Finally, i want to end this post with this video i came across on facebook/youtube which really amused me:

Monday, 15 March 2010

We may let the scaffolds fall, confident that we have built our wall.

Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding;

Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
Confident that we have built our wall.

- Seamus Heaney

J's new job is going incredibly well, she's really enjoying it, which is good because it means this past week and weekend have been incredible. She's been in a really good mood all the time and the little things that used to piss her off didn't get to her. It's so nice to finally see her happy again!

She's working in the college library, where she found some postcards which were about to be thrown away from the BBC's recent poetry season, all of which had a verse or two from some of the most famous poems. One of them had the last two verses of Seamus Heaney's poem "Scaffolding". She gave this one to me, and it is now one of my favourite poems. She's becoming quite sentimental, which she wasn't when we first started seeing each other, and when she gave it to me and hugged her and had a little cry into her shoulder! We stuck it on top of her bed, in between us :).

On a side note, I'm off to London tomorrow to watch football and see my dad! I can't wait, i haven't seen him since January and i'm a proper daddy's girl, so the tears that will be shed when he leaves on Thursday will be plenty.

Do you have any favourite poems? Or favourite things your partner has given you?

Friday, 12 March 2010

A few things to look forward to

Here are some things i'm really looking forward to:

  • Finishing uni

  • Doing well (hopefully!)

  • My breast reduction - even though I'm petrified

  • Buying new things to wear :)

  • The sun coming out soon, hopefully

  • My mum coming to Derby for the first time since she came over to help me settle in when i came in 2007

  • Spending a few weeks in Cambridge with my mum and my aunt

  • Summer in Malta with J

  • Moving in with J

  • Getting a job and being able to leave the cinema

  • Going to New York (hopefully!) next Christmas

I am really excited about the next few months :)
What are you all looking forward to?

Thursday, 11 March 2010


I have 50 followers! I don't really know what else to say about it except thank you everyone for being interested in me!

This week has been a good week so far. J started her new job on Monday and she's really enjoying it, which means she's been really happy and cheerful all week, which means so have I. She was only given part time hours at first, but they've given her Thursday and Friday too which means after April she can finally leave the cinema. The sun is starting to shine, the sky is getting bluer, and the air is slowly getting warmer, all is good :).

Apart from the fact that, as always, i can't focus and have no motivation to do my uni work. My deadlines and exams are looming and i just can't be bothered. which is not good. I did well last semester (I got A, B+ and a B), so i have a good chance of getting a good degree result, though i need to get my head down and read read read.

On top of that, my breast reduction is taking place on 7th June. I'm petrified! I had my pre-operative assessment yesterday and i've put on weight, so the nurse told me i need to lose some just in case (just in case they decide after all not give me the op). Grrr. It's not even a lot that i've put on, and it's just down to laziness, but i'm not happy about it. Ah well, it just has to be done. I also saw the ward that i would be staying in, and it's a cancer ward. I feel a little bit like an intruder, considering most of the patients who are going to be in there are ones who really need treatment, whereas my op isn't essential. But anyways, i'm just happy it's finally getting done, even if i am scared about what life is going to be like with normal-sized boobs. What if i don't like them? Or if i can't recognise myself without them? Ah, i'll just have to wait and see i guess.

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Crazy in love

Don't you hate how crazy being in love makes you feel? Mentally crazy, slightly deranged and completely out of control of your feelings, emotions and even your body. I do and say things sometimes, not necessarily anything bad, just things i don't normally things i would do or say. I've realised this year that my confidence has increased so much, partly i think because of J and also because of university. When i first moved to Derby i was much quieter, i wouldn't speak up about anything, i wouldn't stand up for myself, i couldn't speak out in front of large groups of people, and now i can do all those things, though it's only been throughout the last week that i realised just how much i've changed.

I noticed at uni last week, we had to give a small presentation and the other people in my group didn't want to speak out so i did, and i was calm and confident. This time last year i would have blushed and stumbled over my words. I was talking to J in a nightclub last night and her friend and housemate (let's call her friend X) kept trying to get involved. Now this woman is 10 years older than me and since i've known she's always been rather patronising and made me feel small and she's the type of person who always has to be right, always has to be in charge and always has to have the last word. She used to point out my age a lot, which i didn't like because i am always the youngest around friends here yet i don't act like a child. J has had to move in with her even though she doesn't want to and X hasn't been very nice about me being there. She's also one of the biggest hypocrites i know and she's not always very nice to J. So last night she kept trying to interfere and i flipped and shouted at her to not get involved and she started yelling back.
But the point is, a year ago, maybe even a few months ago, i wouldn't have had the courage to stand up to her. The only problem is she doesn't want me in her house now but to be honest, i'm glad i flipped because she's just ridiculous. She's alienated a lot of J's other friends because she wasn't very nice to them, and whenever she's around she hangs on to J and excludes everybody else from the conversation they're having. I was just fed up with it.

Anywaaaaaayyy, rant over!

Has anything changed you recently? Over the past few years? Have you noticed it - are there particular things or situations where it's really obvious to you?

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Coming out to strangers and great boobie news

out to strangers is really bizarre. It's completely different to telling someone you know, yet it still feels just as hard. I've been lucky here in England because i've known most of them since more or less the time when J and i got together, or else they didn't know me well enough to know whether i was gay or not so it was easy for me to tell them. It wasn't as easy to tell people back home, but i was quietly confident/hopeful that that would be ok with it.

It seems coming out to strangers is the hardest of the three. I still find myself calling J my friend, even though we've been together for almost 18 months. I really have to push the words 'my girlfriend' out of my mouth. Hardly anyone at the school where I work knows about J and today i mentioned her in a conversation and said 'my friend' and then finally, at the end of the conversation, mentioned 'my girlfriend'. I think it's probably subconsciously feeling that they will judge me, as well as the fact that i haven't been out very long, it's all very confusing.

I also find telling men is much easier than telling women. Again, i think maybe it's because i subconsciously worry that a woman might feel awkward around me if they knew i was gay. Why, i do not know. I've never really thought about it until today. Has anyone else ever thought about it? One of the strangest thing was putting J down as my next of kin on my hospital forms, seeing as she's the only family i have here.

Oh, and i finally have a date for my breast reduction surgery, it's going to take place on 7th June! I have a pre-op assessment next Wednesday. Keep an eye out because i'm going to start a different blog about it, mainly because i've read other people's blogs about their experiences and they played a big part in my decision as to whether or not to actually have the surgery. Yay!

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Glee glee

Is anyone else out there in blogland as obsessed with Glee as I am? I've downloaded both volumes of the music and listen to them constantly, i watch clips on youtube and i've seen every episode two or three times already. I am absolutely obsessed. It is brilliant, sheer genius, especially Jane Lynch's character Sue Sylvester. It's worth a watch just to see her. Her comments and remarks are just amazing, and her acting, including her facial expressions and tone of voice, just make her one of the funniest characters i have seen in ages! Not that i'm expert or anything, but she's had me laughing out loud on more than one occasion. Below is one of my favourite Sue Sylvester moments:

Then there's Rachel Berry. Her voice is incredible and does well to indulge my love of musicals and show tunes. Plus she's not too hard on the eyes either! I found this video on youtube, it shows off her voice and, well, her :).

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Shoulder to cry on

There are many things that annoy me, but right now, being there for someone is really annoying. I feel a little bit unappreciated and it's really, really starting to annoy me.

I mentioned in my vlog a couple of weeks ago that J had a job interview which she got, yay! I'm so glad, she's been really unhappy at the cinema and hopefully at the end of the month she can leave the place for good. However she still doesn't seem to have cheered up, and i'm there for her no matter what but when she starts taking her stress out on me it gets really hard and makes me want to slap her to at least get some coherent words out of her.

She had work at the cinema today and i went to meet A for lunch. She managed to finish work early and join us for lunch, which i paid for. She seemed to be in a good mood over lunch, laughing and joking and acting normal. Then we went to look for trousers for her new job and after she tried a couple of pairs on she got really mardy and starting sulking and snapping at me. I asked her if she was ok and she just said "oh i'm never going to find a pair of trousers." We walked home together and she didn't say two words to me so i decided to come home, i have work to do anyway. Before i left i asked her again if she was ok because she looked upset and she said she was fine. I left it a couple of hours and then texted her and asked her of she was ok again and again she said she's alright, to which i replied you don't seem alright and she never replied.

Why do people act like this?? She's clearly not ok, and she usually tells me why. I don't even know what to say, i'm annoyed and i needed to rant and i wish my girlfriend wasn't an emotional cripple.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Question answers & the hypocrisy of it all

Question from Crsytal: What are your plans when you are done with school?
First I hope to get a job as a Teaching Assistant next year, only for one year, and then do a Masters degree in Child/developmental psychology or Speech and Language Therapy. I'm not exactly sure yet but I've got a year to decide :).

Question from Jes:What is your biggest fear?
I have to say I think my biggest fear is growing old. My great-grandmother is 95 and has dimentia and although it's great that she's still alive and kicking, 90% of the time she has no idea where she is, who she's living with, how old she is, who's who (she once asked me if i was in her class at school). She just seems miserable all the time and it just scares me a little to think i will probably end up like that one day. But then i'm also scared of death, where do we end up and so on, so maybe growing old is the lesser of two evils? I'm not sure, i know a lot of people disagree with me, especially on death issues, it's just the idea of not being alive is depressing and really really scary to me.

Question from Ashley Dee: What qualifications did you need to study psychology?
I needed and overall pass and grade C on my A Levels, with a C in English, as well as a certain number of UCAS points, though I'm not sure how many cos it's been about 4 years since i applied now.

Thanks for asking :)

The hypocrisy of it all
I've been following 2 moms with a plan for a while now, and this post really hit a nerve with me. Have a look at it, i commented on it if you'd like to see my views and share your own on the topic.
Bloody close-minded people who think they know what's 'right' and what's 'wrong' when clearly their sense of right and wrong is extremely messed up!

Friday, 19 February 2010

Thursday, 18 February 2010

The Photos

Because it seems i've finally fallen in love with blogging again, here are some photos to show you what i've been up to, apart from middle aged men touching my boobs and getting good grades at uni ;).
That gorgeous little monkey right there is Baby Boy, H's son. He is almost a year and a half now, and that was the last time i saw him, which was christmas time when H invited us all to hers during the christmas break. He ran around trying to steal H's ipod and stood and danced to our cheesy christmas tunes. All the while holding his blanket in his hand. Bad ass little boy.Then came christmas day, which was strangely un-christmas like. It was 24 degrees C in Malta (which is 75F) so it wasn't particularly wintery and it just felt a bit strange because of financial and familial issues. But it was still a lovely day, even though my mother announced, not very nicely, to the rest of the family that i planned to work next year and not go straight on to a masters. Shock and bloody horror, after 21 years of education i would like to take a break for a year. She thinks i'm being stupid to do it but at the end of the day it is my decision, and i've made it now. Also, one of our dogs wasn't there, i still cry when i think about him and how stupid the vet was for not recognising what he had early enough, when it's so common amongst dogs in Malta. Stupid, over paid, lazy twats (two of them managed to misdiagnose him, before it was too late and vet number three tried his hardest to save him). Anyway, that's my dad and me on christmas day, i'm a daddy's girl.
After christmas came new year's eve. Between christmas and NYE and any time around then i spent playing The Sims 3. I love it becuase you can have same sex couples! So, obviously, i made a nice little lesbian family, and we adopted babies and lived a blissful life. Unfortunately we died after about four days so now our daughter is married to a man and has a child and one more on the way, and our son is engaged. But after playing for a week i got bored and haven't looked at it since. So, NYE we went to a party where there weren't many people and a fully stocked open bar. Let me make that easier to understand. Very few people + fully stocked open bar = absolutely smashed and exhausted by 11.59pm. It was a good night, that didn't involve much except drinking, i danced for a total of 10 minutes, and because of the massive shoes i was wearing and the tightness of my beautiful dress (which arrived the day before NYE, thanks ASOS!) these 10 minutes were not the most comfortable of my life. But overall it was not a failed night. However, the best part of my christmas break came the day after New Year's Day, when J arrived. We had an amazing week in the sun. All we did was eat, go for walks, play with the dog, and have sex (which was a little bit hard in my single bunk beds, but we made it work). We went to some birthday parties/gatherings, we went to watch Avatar in 3D with my brother, his girlfriend, her dad and T. Avatar was incredible. The effects and the colours and the 3D are incredible, you don't really pay much attention to the actual storyline because you sit in awe of the beautiful colours and scenery on the screen. Well, that's what happened to me at least. The story is very Pocahontas-like. But the blues and the pinks and the greens and the tree of life, the place where they have sex anyway, was incredible. If it weren't for the effects and the 3D i think it would just seem like any other film. We also did lots of touristy stuff, went round historic places, visited gardens, had lunch at places with magnificent views of the main harbour, those kinds of things.
Anyway, on top of that we went for walks. My parents live in the countryside, in the middle of them valley, and on one day we went for a walk with my dad and the dog, and then on another we went for a 4 hour walk with the just the dog. It was incredible, the views were amazing as we walked along the coast across four different beaches/bays, and i'm going to post a few photos and shut up now because this post is a million times longer than i intended it to be.

I've edited this post a million times, it's too long for my liking, so i'm going to post the photos on a separate post. Sorry for the lengthiness! I think i may be opting for vlogs more often!

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Vlog experiment

So i've decided to try vlogging, i even edited the video, not brilliantly, and it took me ages, but maybe listening to me for 4 minutes will be more enjoyable for you than reading pages of words! Tell me what you think, be gentle lol :)

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

TMI Tuesday #227

So I've been absent for a while, I have so much work to do and not enough time or motivation. I'll update asap, hopefully this evening!

Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to sex with another person in 2010?
Yes i have, and no i haven't.

What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
As much as i hate to admit this, i farted once, we'd only been together for a few months. She thought it was hilarious but i was so embarrassed, i was nervous every time we had sex for the next couple of weeks.

What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
Nothing, i like the ones that look like me.

What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Ever used? Ever been used on you?
Hmmm, there was one guy who tried every pick up line on me one summer, they didn't work, most of them were horrible and degrading and made me hate him just a little bit. Things like "you must be tired cos you've been walking across my mind all day". Or however that one goes.

Where is the most unique you have ever had sex?
Um, the cinema?

I'll post an update later hopefully, happy Tuesday!