Is it alright for me to feel this way?

Yesterday i started watching season 1 of The L Word again, skipping the bits i found boring, ie. anything involving Jenny (except her sex scenes with Marina of course). I spent the majority afternoon watching episodes 4 till 10, when i should have been reading up about discourse analysis for my IS (independent studies - my dissertation/thesis whatever you want to call it).

J went to Leeds festival this weekend, which i am quite jealous of cos Kings of Leon played/are playing tonight, and they were meant to play at Beni, but had to cancel cos of strong winds. Because of strong winds! T, F and I queued for about 6 hours to make sure we got right to front, right near the barriers, all to be told we had to fuck off back to our tents cos they were scared that the stage was going to fall apart and the equipment wasn't working well. Not happy! So cos J was away for the weekend we've hardly talked, except for a couple of texts. So now i'm looking forward to go home so we can talk again after almost a week. On Wednesday my mum and i are going to Sicily for a week, i'm really excited, i'm looking forward to getting away, and hopefully i'll pluck up the courage to come out to her while we're there, bonding over good food, good wine, and even better shopping. We come back the Wednesday after, and the Monday after that (which would be two weeks from tomorrow) i finally go back to Derby.

I'm really looking forward to going back, if only to be able to be out properly and not have to worry about coming out to anyone, or introducing J as my friend, i can hold her hand in public and across the table when we go out for dinner. Just the little things that we couldn't while she was here. I'm not particularily looking forward to my final year of uni, or the idea of making decisions about my future when i've finished, but ah, such is life.

I also have a feeling that two of our cats are gay. They are both girls and are constantly together and rubbing up against each other the way cats do, bump heads, rub bodies. But that is not the extent of it! Have you ever seen a male and female cat flirting? We have loads of cats, they come and eat our food, often uninvited, so i have been witness to plenty of feline flirting. The female cat rolls around on her back meowing, while the male cat sits and watches. Kind of like a feline lap dancer, or exotic dancer. Today, these two female cats rolled around in that way together, rubbing their heads together as they did it, then they lay on their stomachs facing each other and rubbed noses, licked each others paws, play fought, the works. I am absolutely convinced they have seen the light and have fallen madly in love with each other. I said this to my mother, and she laughed at me. Pah.

I didn't know where this was going, when you kissed me

I'm obsessed with these two Lily Allen songs at the moment:

Who'd Have Known - I think most people can kind of relate to this song.


Chinese - I just think this song is the sweetest thing ever, she wrote it about her mum, and i understand how it feels to miss someone and miss doing stupid little things like talking, watching tv and taking the dog for a walk with them.

Plus Lily Allen is HOT.

EDIT:I found this photo a couple of minutes after I published this post, and i had to share it! She has the perfect belly i think..


She was meant to be playing in Benicassim, but unfortunately she got ill and had to cancel. I was not happy! What with Kings of Leon having to cancel because of the wind the night before, the two acts i had really gone to see were off the bill. Not impressed.

I came across the second song, Chinese, when i found this video on Heatworld (i'm a sucker for celebrity crap). It's a choral tribute to Lily Allen by the Capital Children's Choir. If you don't like Lily's version, then this version will absolutely melt your heart. As cheesy as they sound, they actually sound like angels. Really. Listen to it and i'm sure you'll agree with me.

TMI Tuesday #201

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?
Yes, it's usually the right side, mainly cos J likes the left!

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?
It isn't very old, it's in quite a good condition

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?
Usually starts with cuddles, then we drift away from each other and i like to sleep on my belly with one leg stretched out and the other pulled up almost near my chin.

4. How often do you change your sheets?
Not as often as i should!

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?
Talking to someone

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?
Sleepy, or just mushy and cuddly. I usually want to stay in bed though.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.
I've functioned, maybe not very well but nonetheless, on 3 or 4 hours sleep.

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

You love me, I love harder so

Tomorrow is J's birthday. She's only been gone a few days but I wish I was with her. These past few weeks have been amazing, but now i'm really looking forward to going back to Derby. Not just cos of J, but cos of my friends too and just to be in Derby. It really feels like home now.

Like I anticipated, T was a bit weird with J when I introduced them in Spain. Seeing J in Spain was absolutely amazing, the feeling i got when i saw her for the first time was incredible. She was standing on the beach looking fit as fuck in her bikini and i saw her before she saw me and i could see the excitement and anticipation on her face. It was incredible! I met her every day while we were at the music festival, and luckily towards the end of the week T loosened up. But being there with her was amazing, it felt exactly like it did at the very beginning, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were laughing constantly, it really was brilliant. After a week at the festival in Benicassim, we went to Valencia and J and her friend were coming the day after and they hadn't booked in anywhere, so i booked them a room in the hotel we were staying in, which had it's obvious perks :). We walked around Valencia for a couple of hours, and you know when you think back to something and one thing really sticks out about that occasion, well from that day i remember laughing constantly with her. At each other, with each other, at other people, at absolutely everything.

She came to Malta a few days after we got back, and even though it was amazing, we quickly got back into our comfortable routine. It was so great having her here. My family and friends loved her, but now the pressure's on cos i decided i would come out to my parents after she left. And when i decided this there were months left and now she's gone and i'm going back in less than a month and i am scared shitless. But anyway, i shall not go on about it, instead i'll post a couple of photos.

These are my favourite ones of J and me while she was here.















The first one is one my favourite photos ever. I love the way she's resting her chin on my back, and the look in her eyes.