I feel like i want to burst but i can't because i'm scared of the consquences. I want to tell my parents and a couple of my closest, best friends (even they still don't know) about J but I still don't have the courage. I read on someone's blog yesterday (i can't remember whose it was, tell me if it was yours!) that someone had once told them that once you get the courage to come out to your parents it means you've truly come to terms with your sexuality. Now i don't know is that's why i can't bring myself to tell them about J, but i don't really think it is.
In England, i have no problem telling people i have a girlfriend. I told most of my friends there straight away, and the others when we had made it official. I have no problem telling strangers that i have a girlfriend, in fact i'm very proud of that fact. However, if people ask me if i'm gay i still stare at them with a blank expression and wonder 'what' i am. Am i gay or bi? Does it really make that much difference? Somehow, to me, i think it does. Even though when people ask me that my answer is usually "i don't want to put any labels on it." Or something along those cheesy, lame lines. It seems like having a girlfriend is one thing, but being gay is another. Fuck knows i'm probably talking shit.
All i know is i feel like i was kind of thrown into this. Willing, of course, but with no experience and no expectations. I had never considered myself bi, always straight, and within a month of meeting J we were together. So even though i've fallen completely in love with her, i haven't really had the time to come to terms with it on my own, if you know what i mean. At the moment i don't really know what i identify myself as, i'm just in love with an amazing person.
I don't know. The reason i'm thinking about this know is because i want to talk about J constantly like a normal girl my age, or anyone really, would want. I want to wear the dress she gave me tonight and tell my mum that she got it for me without her thinking, "fuck how much money did this girl spend on her??" She knows J's gay, so i don't want her to think she's some crazy lesbian stalker, buying me things and taking me places. I want her to know cos i know my mum would appreciate how good she is to me.
I'm not feeling so sad anymore, i've ben back a couple of days and i've spent them sitting on the sofa or at my mum's desk, which is exactly what i wanted. I spoke to J a bit but my credit's finished now plus she's working loads at the moment to have money for Spain and for when she comes here. Plus i'm going to see my friends tonight and my laptop should be fixed, and completely wiped of all the crap (so it's practically going to be a new laptop), by Monday. Yay!
Happy Weekend everyone!
Saturday 13 June 2009
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4 comments:
Ugh labels are hard. A little over a year ago I was in a similar situation. I had always assumed myself to be mostly straight (with a normal sexual curiosity about girls). Then I met Kara.
For a long time I had lots of conflict about labels and did a lot of looking through my past and gauging how I feel/felt about things. After lots of soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I am definitely gay.
It's pretty impossible (in my opinion) to be completely straight or completely gay. Try to ignore the labels and figure out what you feel. Oh and if anyone asks you could always label yourself queer? I have a couple of friends who prefer that label.
<3
From a moms point of view - I think my daughter is gay/bi. But she has not come out yet. Well- not "officially." I am not sure, but she has a best friend who practically lives here and is part of our "family." I only have intuition to go on here about my daughter. But they snuggle, sleep in the same bed, are together all the time, etc, etc.
They are VERY cuddly when they are in the house with me - but if my bf is here they tone it down, etc.
I even found a racy picture of her "best friend" on my phone, (she needed to borrow my phone once while hers was fixed)
Honestly - I do not care if she is gay/bi etc.. Sometimes I wish she would tell me, but it really is none of my business. The ONLY thing I worry about is her having a harder life because some people in this world are real asses with the way they treat people who are gay or bi.
Like any mom - I just don't want my daughter to be hurt. : )
She is the most amazing, wonderful young woman I know! And I am very proud to have her as my daughter!
Kandazzle - the word queer rminds me of my grandad, who i adore, but who is really homophobic. I guess i'm scared of the way people will change around me if i label myself.
Sexy at forty - she's really lucky to have a mom like you! I know my parents will propably be the same, it's just their initial reaction that i'm worried about. mainly my mom's in fact, cos i'm pretty sure my dad will just hug me and tell me he wants me to be happy. I'll just have to wait and see.
I love what you said about telling your parents means you're truly comfortable. So true, atleast for me.
I can't begin to explain the relief I felt after telling mine. Amazing!
Maybe just have a convo with them and tell them you're dating an amazing girl. When/if they ask about your sexuality, just be open about it and tell them you're still very unsure yourself. But you know you love her and are living for the moment.
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