We're all straight, until we're not.

J and I were talking on msn today, and since we're still in the lovely honeymoon period of our relationship, the topic of conversation was how we got together. She said that she still can't believe I'm with her sometimes, simply because i was 'straight' before we met, and i'd never fancied a girl before, and it just seems a bit odd to her that all of a sudden i've fallen in love with a woman. I remember the days before we got together very clearly, and our first night together.

When I first met her I thought she was straight. She has longish brown hair and wears quite girly clothes, and even though i didn't fancy her straight away, i thought she was gorgeous from the start. I soon realised she was gay because she would very openly talk about the girl she was seeing at the time. She wouldn't talk to me unless i spoke to her first and i assumed she didn't like me. After a few days at work though, she invited me out for a drink with a girl who works in the kitchen (let's call her A, she's also gay) and the first thing they asked me in the taxi was whether i was gay or straight, or bi. I said, sorry, i'm straight. She left early that night to go that girl's place, and A took me home. In true girly fashion, she told me in the car that J really fancied me. I said i was flattered, she's lovely, but i'm straight. The Sunday of the same weekend, J told me that some people were going out the next night, the Monday night, and would i like to join them. Yes, definitely! So she asked me for my number so she could text me with a time and a place. As soon as i got home she texted me, just so i would have her number, of course. Next morning, she texted me again, just to tell me that as soon as she knew what time we were meeting A, she'd let me know. We ended up texting each other all day, and in the excitement i bought myself a new pair of jeans, just cos i wanted to look extra hot for her. I didn't know why, but i knew i wanted to make an impression. Maybe its the tease in me. I knew she fancied me and she thought she couldn't have me, so i wanted to flaunt myself i guess. How cruel does that sound.

Anyway, i got myself ready, straightened my long brown hair, put just the right amount of make up, slipped on my new skinny jeans, my favourite top, and a killer pair of heels. I hobbled down to the bar (i hadn't worn heels in a while) and there she was, standing outside in the freezing waiting for me. She looked gorgeous. I still remember exactly what she was wearing, light black skinny jeans with a thin yellow belt and a blue cardi with nothing underneath. Her boobs looked amazing! As soon as i saw her standing there i knew that i at least wanted to get a kiss off her tonight. We went in, bought the first round of drinks, and started drinking. We drank a few pints of beer, a pitcher of a cocktail (think it may have been a WooWoo, not that it's relevant, but you know), and i think a couple of shots, as well as alcopops. We moved on from the bar to the club where everyone goes on a Monday night in Derby and there were loads of people from work there. One guy, who works in the projection booth at the cinema, came up to me and tried to chat me up. I enjoyed the attention but i didn't want his attention, or any man's attention, or anyone's attention, except hers. I think i was a bit rude to him, and i felt a bit bad the next morning, but i just turned away to find J. We bounced around the club, drinking bottles of something and giggling and dancing. She was amazing! I didn't want to leave her side, ever. On one of our last trips to the bar i told her that i really wanted to kiss her, and she said i wouldn't. Yes i would! To which she replied, Go on then! So i did. And it was incredible. The kind of kiss i'd been wanting, but had wanted with a guy. And now i was there, and it was fantastic, and it was her, not a man. A found as and shrieked ewwwww (J thinks she's just jealous, but they're relationship has deteriorated since then. A blames me). We continued dancing, giggling, kissing our way through the club and soon lost A, so we decided to leave. When we got out of the club J said she had nowhere to sleep cos she was meant to be staying at A's, but she wasn't answering her phone. It's fine! i said. You can stay at mine, i live very near here. I promise i invited her back innocently! I'd never slept with a woman before, and i didn't intend to tonight!

We stumbled back to my cramped, messy student halls room, i gave her some pjs, stripped off myself, put my own pjs on, and climbed into bed (see, i gave her pjs, and i wore my own. All innocent!). After about 5 or 10 minutes of lying still, J started kissing me again. I remember thinking oooh i like this, and then her hands starting wondering and i began to think, oh shit, stop her stop her! As much as i thought i should stop her, after all, i was straight, i couldn't. I didn't want to, but i was so scared. I could feel her soft hands rubbing down my waist and my hips and i could feel myself getting excited, all the while thinking stop her stop her! I don't remember much else after that, apart from feeling crazily nervous. I had never been so nervous when i was in bed with someone, not even when i lost my virginity. I think it was because i more or less knew what men liked by the time i lost my virginity, but i had never been with a woman before, so i felt like i was losing my virginity all over again, but on a bigger scale. I do remember her asking me if i was ok a couple of times, and everytime she asked me i'd say yes, of course, while thinking shit, stop her. Not because i wasn't enjoying it, i was. I would have stopped her if i wasn't, but because i was straight. I wasn't gay, or bi, i'd never had feelings for woman, or been sexually attracted to one, but now here i was. To this day J claims that i made the first move in bed too. I'll admit to kissing her first, hell, i'm proud i kissed her, i wanted to and i'll get what i want thanks! But i wouldn't have initiated anything, it was all to alien to me.

Anyway, the point of all this is, when does someone stop being straight? Was i gay or bi all along but have just never come across someone who attracted the 'gay' side of me? Did J trigger the gay in me? Was i always straight, but then met J and she turned me? Is this just a phase because i'm young, and if J and i break up i'll automatically go back to men?

Ever since that night, i haven't looked at or wanted anyone else. At the beginning of this post i mentioned that she was seeing a girl at the time (V), and during the first week V told her she wanted to commit. So she texted me one day and told me 'looks like i'm not single anymore', to which i cleverly (or at least i thought so) replied 'oh boo, i thought you were going to relieve some of my frustration' (painful, i know. and evil now that i think about it). I wasn't really bothered at the time, i liked her and we were having fun but i didn't think i could have a relationship with a woman. Oh how wrong i was. She came over a couple of days later and told me that she and V weren't together anymore because she didn't want to be tied down. One month later we made our relationship official. And now we're in love.