I'm writing to tell you what a lovely, albeit a little bit awkward, day you were. Even though we are catholic, my immediate family don't do anything on Good Friday. My brother fucked off to smoke weed with his friends in Gozo, my dad did his best to avoid staying in and my mum stayed in with the cats and dogs. I was invited, quite a while ago (at Christmas in fact), to my best friend's house for lunch. I work at her parent's restaurant and they love me so they took me out for dinner when i was home for Christmas and invited me for Good Friday lunch then.
So my best mate, T, doesn't know about J yet. I'm nervous to tell her because on a drunken night out we've often ended up sharing a snog, and one of the last times this happened she told me the next day that i had got really into it, i was feeling her up and everything! When she told me this, i just laughed it off cos, well, in my mind i was a straight girl who knew how to have a bit of fun. Now that i am very, very, very in love with a woman i don't want her to act differently with me.
On top of that, last summer T introduced me to one of her best mates, he was a new best friend that's why i'd never met him before, and they met because she crashed his mother's car. Yes. She crashed his mother's car. The second time she met him. His mum adores her now, but at the time it wasn't so funny. Anyway, i'm rambling now lol. So at the beginning of last summer she introduced him to me, and i practically fell in love with him within a week. I'd been 'playing the field' shall we say after my ex and i broke up and didn't really meet anyone i actually liked, just people i wanted to fool around with. And then i met him. Tall, a face carved out of stone with a body to match, a deep, Vin Dieselesque type of voice, plus brains. I could not resist him. Me being the prize twat that i am, i ended up in bed with him after a couple of weeks and became so obsessed with this poor boy that im ashamed even thinking about it now. I've never been the obsessive girlfriend type, but i had just been dumped for someone else and rejection wasn't exactly what i needed. But it is what i got. We never slept together again but we kept meeting up, having sleepovers, and kissing on nightclub balconies. Then one day i saw him with another girl. Now we weren't actually together, and i knew that, but i was drunk and i flipped. And for at least a month following i angrily texted him every time i was drunk. He ignored me for the rest of the summer.
I got over him pretty quickly, i knew it was just a lusting, horny crush and i managed to get over it and stay away from him to avoid embarrassment. T and i fought a couple of times because of him, cos i was convinced he was in love with her because they're so close, and would often tell her this when i was drunk. Between the summer and now, i only saw him once, on New Year's Eve, when i was nursing a very drunk T on the side of the road and he stopped to say Happy New Year.
So back to now. T warned me a couple of days ago that he was going to be there, and i was a bit taken aback that she felt she had to warn me. I wanted to tell her that i'm happier than i've ever been, than he could ever make me, and i'm in love! But i couldn't and i just said, look, i'm over it and i have been for a while now.
When I arrived today he was already there and we said hi and how are things bla bla. By the time we sat down for our 6 (yes, 6! i love T's dad) courses, T sat down and i went to sit next her and Hunk went to sit next to me. T whispered in my ear "shall we change places?" AAARRGGHH!! NOOOOO I wanted to scream! You make one mistake and look what happens! I told her again, look T, no! I'm over it! And again i wanted to scream i'm in love with the most beautiful, amazing, loving woman and i don't need to be pitied thanks! And sure enough, sitting next to him was fine! We chatted, joked, and acted as if nothing had ever happened (phew, the sex wasn't that good, so i like to forget).
Again, the point of this post, as with so many others, is the scariness of coming out. How did you all do it?? I'm considering doing it by email! That's how chicken i am now!
In other news, the kittens are the most adorable things i've seen ages. I'll have to post a photo soon. Luckily they all seem to be healthy after only four days of life. Very squirmy, all five of them.
With all my love,
Newbo
Friday, 10 April 2009
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3 comments:
It is scary. I just one day decided that I was sick and friggen tired of being scared and told everyone, feels a lot better being true to oneself then scared of what others will think!
I came out to my brother and my "boyfriend" (male friend who was totally in love with me) over email. Those two were first. My bro because I knew he'd be cool (and he replied, well about frikken time) and the guy out of respect so that he could move on (actually the first email said, I think you are waiting for me, but I'm just not that into you, when he replied so well I told him the whole truth as to why I'd never be into him).
Then I wrote a letter once I was back on the other side of the world to a girl I was totally in love with that I met at Uni, she was cool about it.
Then I finally told my parents, before anyone else. Because I know how these things get around to parents, especially with the people I know and how my Mother is. And I'd rather them hear it from me first than hear it from some one else. Once that was done everyone else was easy.
Monkey Outlaw - It is annoying, cos i feel like noone really knows me! Plus living in a different country makes it easier to keep it from evryone back home.
DTB - I think i'm going to tell some of my friends over email. As much as i don't want to, i've had loads of opportunity to tell them face to face but haven't plucked up the courage. Then i'll tackle my parents! Not by email though hopefully.
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