TMI Tuesday #219 - First one in a long time!

1. On a scale of 1-10, how good was your 2009?
Brilliant - 10.

2. What are your favorite/naughtiest/sexiest/most fun 2009 memories?
I have loads of good memories, many of them with J, going to Alton Towers, Beni in summer, Sicily with my mum, Aberdeen in May, and a lot of the sex has been amazing, i've done so many things i thought i never would have done.

3. What’s the one thing you thought you would never do, but did in 2009?
Err, J? Well, technically that started in 2008, but i didn't admit i was in love with her till March, i never ever ever saw that one coming.

4. What do you want to change in 2010?
Not much actually. I hope i get a good result in my degree, and i hope my laziness and procrastination habits change, so i can get my good result.

5. What is your all-time favorite gift (whether given or received by you)?
J's birthday present to me, which was Alton Towers, my Christmas present from my mum (a new laptop :D, i don't think i mentioned that yet) and the present i got for J for christmas, which was a flight to Malta. Which arrives on Saturday. Fast forward button please!

Bonus (as in optional): On special holidays- like birthdays, anniversaries, ringing in the New Year -are you more inclined to do a sex act that you wouldn't "normally" do? (things like fellatio/cunnilingus, anal sex, strap-ons/toys, videoing yourself/pictures, menage-a-trois/quatres, etc.)
No, we generally like to try new things whenever the mood arises, no special occasions required!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone in blogland!

This is also my one hundredth post, i guess it's a nice way to reach a milestone!

xxxxxxx

A well-needed update..

Wow, i haven't written anything for ages. I always log on, read other people's blogs and remain ambiguous. Things haven't changed much since I last posted, we're still together and still crazy about each other, though we did have a blip in between then and now. General life seems to get in the way of more important things. I'm home for christmas now and i miss her like crazy.

J graduates in one month, which I am really excited about, I'm extremely proud of her and I can't wait to spend the day celebrating with her. She finished uni in June and hasn't been able to find a proper graduate job, so she's been working at the cinema, but full time hours, which makes her miserable cos it is shit working there. I work 10 hours a week and its enough to make me want to scratch my eyeballs out, i admire her for sticking out 40+ hours a week, and being treated like shit. She's also constantly broke, she moved out of her parents' and in with her best mate a couple of months ago, but can't really afford it, so she barely manages to pay her bills and rent every month. It's kind of because of this that we had our little blip, though after it happened we both think it did us good.

I think we weren't used to being around each other so much after the summer. I'd been away for 3 months, and apart from the 3 weeks when she was in Malta and the week in Beni, we didn't see each other much. So when i got back to Derby, she was still living at home so we had to stay in my single bed in halls, which we did all last year, but we weren't used to it anymore, and we weren't spending the night together as much as we used to, or as much as i wanted. So for a week things were a bit weird between us, and one morning she said she needed space, but by the evening she'd texted me saying she didn't need space at all, she was just stressing about finances, and things went back to normal for a few days. Then i started to feel like she didn't want me around, we were hardly seeing each other, hardly spending the night together, and hardly having sex, which was weird for us. As i was leaving hers one day i started crying and told her that i feel like she didn't want me around, and that she didn't care about whether we were together or not. I went home and we argued about it a little bit and she asked me round the next day and we split up. I hated it, it didn't make sense to me. She seemed different and i felt like i hadn't done anything wrong but she was taking it out on me.

We were split up for two weeks, and i was miserable obviously. We talked almost every day, and she insisted she still cared about me and still loved me and she didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I tried to keep my distance, though when i did get the opportunity i did ask her why why why, and she always said she didn't know. Just before halloween (which was our anniversary, coincidentally) she texted to ask how i was and i said i was miserable, and she said she was too. We got talking and she said she's just stressed about money and she didn't want me to suffer because of it, and she was also feeling pressure from me because of it. We talked and i didn't really know where we stood, and i was too scared to ask, and the next morning she texted me asking if i would spend Sunday with her and spend Saturday night with her. And everything has literally been perfect since then. The few issues we had we managed to iron out, and we talk about absolutely everything now, and nothing comes between us.

By that time, i had managed to book a cheap flight home (Ryanair is good for something!), cos i was really badly homesick. While i was away she texted and rang me everyday, and apologised practically every time we spoke. Unfortunately, while i was at home one of our beautiful dogs, Bonnie, died of sandfly. We adopted him on Christmas Eve 2003, he was 1 and a 1/2, and he was the friendliest, calmest, most beautiful dog you will ever meet.

I miss him so much :(


When i got back to Derby she apologised again, and we talked about it and we agreed that it was good for us. I haven't been happier, just thinking about her makes me want to burst. We talk about it often, well not often, occasionally, and i think the time apart has really made us appreciate what we have, and how good we go together. Since we got back together we've been working together more, as a team, cooking, cleaning together, and laughing, joking around, being friends again as well as having some more amazing sex! We even invested in a strap on recently (which i have wanted for ages, took me a while to convince J but it was definitely worth it, and she agrees!). I made some burgers recently, she made me a nice steak meal, and we had our christmas dinner last Wednesday since we can't be together on christmas day.




Plus i still think she is the cutest, most beautiful thing ever, with the sexiest tattoos i have ever seen in my life.


Luckily i don't have to miss her too much, cos she's coming out during my last week here, on the 2nd January. Yay! I hope everyone had a better October than i did, cos mine was shit. But November and December, and the rest of 2009, has been amazing. I couldn't ask for more, but if i could, i want my dog back please.


Oh, and i finally had a body scan on Wednesday, to hopefully prove that my boobs are out of proportion on my body. You would think looking at me would be enough, but no. The results take 6-8 weeks, so fingers crossed! My back seems to have got worse since i had the scan too, it's like it knows -.-.

Eyes wide open, naked as we came

I have just discovered an amazing singer on Youtube.. Some of you might know who she is but i hadn't heard any of her music before today, when i decided i wanted to listen to "Naked as we came" by Iron & Wine. I first heard that song on Grey's Anatomy, and today i heard it again for the first time in months on The L Word (season 2, episode 4, when Shane cuts Jenny's hair off). I forgot how much i loved that song.

Anyway, back to Kina Grannis, i haven't listened to any of her original stuff yet, i've just been listening to her covers and they are amazing, her voice is so soft and effortless, perfect for middle of the night easy listening. She's especially perfect when you're in one of those happy, floaty, everythings-just-perfect kind of moods.

Yesterday we spent most of the day in bed, watching crap films and having amazing sex. It was just a perfect day. I can't even think about anything else to write about, i don't want to bore people. The only thing i can think of is university, and i really don't want to think about that yet, i have another week or so till we go back and i'm enjoying wasting some time without feeling too guilty. I'm so happy to be back, and just be out, walk down the street holding her hand, kissing her in public, being able to tell people that she's my girlfriend, it feels amazing.

I hope everyone's having a good time too!

Happiness and progress. And lots more happiness.

Wow i haven't anything in quite a while. I haven't really had anything much going on, my mum and i went to Sicily and obviously i didn't pluck up the courage to come out to her, or at least tell her about J. It was really nice though, especially spending a week alone with my mum just before i left, it kind of helped me feel less guilty about leaving home. So we went to Sicily and we ate lots of good food, drank lots of good wine and met lots of pervy Italian men. My mum is almost 45 and she looks really good for her age, she's half my size and has a beautiful face (thats where i got it from hahaaa), so everywhere we went these pervy Sicilians followed us around and stared at us really unashamedly. It got rather annoying.

I really really wanted to tell her about J before i came back to Derby (which i did on Monday) and on Sunday night i finally did it. She actually knows, its amazing, it just makes our relationship seem more real somehow. It wasn't a very long conversation, but at least it happened and now most people back home know about us. I couldn't blurt it out myself, but she guessed which made it so much easier. Inevitably she told me "don't commit, you're still young" but i wasn't really listening at this point, my mind was just buzzing and i just wanted to talk to J.
So that was that! She hugged me and said she doesn't care as long as i'm happy and she's acting exactly the same which is brilliant.

And now i'm back in Derby and i have never felt happier. Waking up next to her, feeling her skin against mine, looking at her beautiful face, i am just in absolute heaven and can't imagine anything different.

It's our one year anniversary in about a month and a half, and i want to get something amazing. Any ideas?

Pride and joy

Today i am very proud of J. In May she finished her degree and one of her lecturers (who is gay, and who she's crazy about btw, but such is life when having an honest girlfriend) has almost got her a job teaching at college. On top of that, she emaild the people behind the feminist website The F Word with a suggestion for an article and was told that it's a brilliant idea and they old love for her to write it for them. It seems J is quite the writer, she had a creative writing class at uni and was told by her lecturer that she should try and get some of her stuff published. So today i am extremely proud of her.

I hadn't heard of the website before, so obviously i had to do a bit of snooping and checked it out. I found this article, about Same-sex hand holding (Sshh!) Saturday.

On this day, same-sex couples and friends all over the world are encouraged to hold hands in public to support the visibility of Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans (LGBT) people. Sshh! Saturdays will occur on the last Saturday of every month, publicised by A Day In Hand. This is a revolutionary way of encouraging and inspiring LGBT people to take responsibility for their equality and live their lives without fear or restraint.

Read the whole thing, i think it's a brilliant idea, especially if people outside the LGBT community take part to show their support.


In other news, tomorrow i'm off to Sicily for a week with my mum, and in 12 days i go back to Derby and to J, which i absolutely cannot wait for. I'm going to take her out for dinner as soon as i arrive, i was thinking sushi as there's a sushi place that opened up in Derby a couple of weeks before i left back in June and we never got the chance (or had enough money) to go and eat there. Now's our chance, before i become a social hermit and have to focus on finishing my bloody degree. Arghhh.

Is it alright for me to feel this way?

Yesterday i started watching season 1 of The L Word again, skipping the bits i found boring, ie. anything involving Jenny (except her sex scenes with Marina of course). I spent the majority afternoon watching episodes 4 till 10, when i should have been reading up about discourse analysis for my IS (independent studies - my dissertation/thesis whatever you want to call it).

J went to Leeds festival this weekend, which i am quite jealous of cos Kings of Leon played/are playing tonight, and they were meant to play at Beni, but had to cancel cos of strong winds. Because of strong winds! T, F and I queued for about 6 hours to make sure we got right to front, right near the barriers, all to be told we had to fuck off back to our tents cos they were scared that the stage was going to fall apart and the equipment wasn't working well. Not happy! So cos J was away for the weekend we've hardly talked, except for a couple of texts. So now i'm looking forward to go home so we can talk again after almost a week. On Wednesday my mum and i are going to Sicily for a week, i'm really excited, i'm looking forward to getting away, and hopefully i'll pluck up the courage to come out to her while we're there, bonding over good food, good wine, and even better shopping. We come back the Wednesday after, and the Monday after that (which would be two weeks from tomorrow) i finally go back to Derby.

I'm really looking forward to going back, if only to be able to be out properly and not have to worry about coming out to anyone, or introducing J as my friend, i can hold her hand in public and across the table when we go out for dinner. Just the little things that we couldn't while she was here. I'm not particularily looking forward to my final year of uni, or the idea of making decisions about my future when i've finished, but ah, such is life.

I also have a feeling that two of our cats are gay. They are both girls and are constantly together and rubbing up against each other the way cats do, bump heads, rub bodies. But that is not the extent of it! Have you ever seen a male and female cat flirting? We have loads of cats, they come and eat our food, often uninvited, so i have been witness to plenty of feline flirting. The female cat rolls around on her back meowing, while the male cat sits and watches. Kind of like a feline lap dancer, or exotic dancer. Today, these two female cats rolled around in that way together, rubbing their heads together as they did it, then they lay on their stomachs facing each other and rubbed noses, licked each others paws, play fought, the works. I am absolutely convinced they have seen the light and have fallen madly in love with each other. I said this to my mother, and she laughed at me. Pah.

I didn't know where this was going, when you kissed me

I'm obsessed with these two Lily Allen songs at the moment:

Who'd Have Known - I think most people can kind of relate to this song.


Chinese - I just think this song is the sweetest thing ever, she wrote it about her mum, and i understand how it feels to miss someone and miss doing stupid little things like talking, watching tv and taking the dog for a walk with them.

Plus Lily Allen is HOT.

EDIT:I found this photo a couple of minutes after I published this post, and i had to share it! She has the perfect belly i think..


She was meant to be playing in Benicassim, but unfortunately she got ill and had to cancel. I was not happy! What with Kings of Leon having to cancel because of the wind the night before, the two acts i had really gone to see were off the bill. Not impressed.

I came across the second song, Chinese, when i found this video on Heatworld (i'm a sucker for celebrity crap). It's a choral tribute to Lily Allen by the Capital Children's Choir. If you don't like Lily's version, then this version will absolutely melt your heart. As cheesy as they sound, they actually sound like angels. Really. Listen to it and i'm sure you'll agree with me.

TMI Tuesday #201

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?
Yes, it's usually the right side, mainly cos J likes the left!

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?
It isn't very old, it's in quite a good condition

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?
Usually starts with cuddles, then we drift away from each other and i like to sleep on my belly with one leg stretched out and the other pulled up almost near my chin.

4. How often do you change your sheets?
Not as often as i should!

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?
Talking to someone

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?
Sleepy, or just mushy and cuddly. I usually want to stay in bed though.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.
I've functioned, maybe not very well but nonetheless, on 3 or 4 hours sleep.

Let's just stay, let's just stay, i wanna lie in bed all day. We'll be laughing all the waaaay.

Yesterday i spent the day on the beach with my mum. We went parakiting (or parasailing, or parachuting..). It was amazing! We were harnessed on to a parachute and a boat pulled us along over the sea. It was an incredible experience. We had a really lovely day, we had a nice lunch and it was then that i thought about telling her about J. She was in a really good mood, and slightly drunk cos we drank a bottle of (really good) wine. But i didn't. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh why does it have to be so hard! I just want to get it over with so i can stop feeling guilty about lying to her and my dad and get on with being happy with J.

As always, we couldn't go one day without having little arguments, and as always they were about university. The main one being that i want to take a year out after i finish my degree in May (fuck me i can't believe it) so i can work, and just relax because i've been at some form of school all my life and it's getting a little bit boring. Also so i can save up for my Masters. And J also plays a part in it. We've been together for 10 months, but it still feels all new and lovely, and since i'm moving away from Derby to do my Masters, i want to stay in Derby for an extra year, especially if we're still together. To be honest i'd want to stay even if we're not because i love it there, i've really settled in and have friends there now. But my mother doesn't understand this, she didn't want me to go in the first place and she still thinks that as soon as i've finished my studies i'm going to move back home.

But anyway, i have three weeks left to do it, and at the moment i'm busy worrying about my Dissertation. I'm enjoying my little bubble of happiness, and worry that if i let any more people in they will burst it for me :(.

Plus this past week my back's been terrible :(.

You love me, I love harder so

Tomorrow is J's birthday. She's only been gone a few days but I wish I was with her. These past few weeks have been amazing, but now i'm really looking forward to going back to Derby. Not just cos of J, but cos of my friends too and just to be in Derby. It really feels like home now.

Like I anticipated, T was a bit weird with J when I introduced them in Spain. Seeing J in Spain was absolutely amazing, the feeling i got when i saw her for the first time was incredible. She was standing on the beach looking fit as fuck in her bikini and i saw her before she saw me and i could see the excitement and anticipation on her face. It was incredible! I met her every day while we were at the music festival, and luckily towards the end of the week T loosened up. But being there with her was amazing, it felt exactly like it did at the very beginning, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were laughing constantly, it really was brilliant. After a week at the festival in Benicassim, we went to Valencia and J and her friend were coming the day after and they hadn't booked in anywhere, so i booked them a room in the hotel we were staying in, which had it's obvious perks :). We walked around Valencia for a couple of hours, and you know when you think back to something and one thing really sticks out about that occasion, well from that day i remember laughing constantly with her. At each other, with each other, at other people, at absolutely everything.

She came to Malta a few days after we got back, and even though it was amazing, we quickly got back into our comfortable routine. It was so great having her here. My family and friends loved her, but now the pressure's on cos i decided i would come out to my parents after she left. And when i decided this there were months left and now she's gone and i'm going back in less than a month and i am scared shitless. But anyway, i shall not go on about it, instead i'll post a couple of photos.

These are my favourite ones of J and me while she was here.















The first one is one my favourite photos ever. I love the way she's resting her chin on my back, and the look in her eyes.

Finally

Tomorrow night I fly to Valencia T and our friend F, by 6.30 we'll be in Benicassim for what should be 10 of the best, most epic days ever. I finally get to see J after more than 4 weeks, and then i get to see Oasis, Kings of Leon, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Lily Allen, Boyz Noize, Glasvegas, Mystery Jets, Pete Doherty and loads more with a beer in my hand and my favourite people around me! You might realise that i'm a tad excited.

T's been worrying me a bit, she's acted exactly the same since i told her, but whenever we talk about about J, she goes a bit funny. She asked me the other day, "aren't you a bit sad that you're going to be single at Benicassim?" And i said, "no, cos i'm happy with her. If i wasn't happy then i would be, but i am so i'm not. Plus she's gonna be there so it's ok."

Then at some point we talking about sex, and she said "that's not real sex no is it." Well, not technically, but it's fucking better than hetero sex! And she keeps asking me how i can be sure, and she doesn't really pay attention, at least that's how i feel, when i talk about her. And when i told her that i want her to like J, because obviously it's important to me that my best friend likes my girlfriend, and she said it doesn't matter, if i'm happy she'll be happy for me. And then she said that i haven't liked some of her ex boyfriends, and i said yes, cos they treated you like shit! And J treats me really well and is really good for me, and goes out of her way to make me happy, so there isn't any reason why she shouldn't like her.

Ah well. At least I know my other friends are going to make an effort with her. I told H that J's nervous to meet everyone, and she said there's obviously something i like about her, so they're bound to like her too. I love my friends. And T obviously, i just hope she doesn't act weird around J, especially since she's going to be in Beni too. Ah well, we'll see. I probably won't be blogging for quite a while, so i hope everyone has a good few weeks! x

Work, summer, and missing someone.

Just five days left till T and I go to Spain, where i shall finally see J! I can't wait, it's been 4 weeks since i left Derby, and by the time we finally see each other it'd be almost 5 weeks.

I haven't been doing much since i got back, mainly working. I haven't been out in the evenings much, just cos i can't be bothered! I went out with my brother and T on Monday night and finally had a good night out. We met some Welsh friends of ours who we hadn't seen for 2 years and danced till about 6am.

I've managed to get myself a nice golden tan which i am very happy with, now all i'm looking forward to is going to Spain on Sunday and J coming here 2 weeks later.

There isn't anything else i can think to say, i miss J and i can't wait to see her. Very excited about next week!

Coming out part 2 & TMI Tuesday #193

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?
None, i don't drive.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?
None, girly pants please.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?
Yes, but i wasn't working at the time. J and i work in the cinema and we get two free tickets each a week, and she went down on me while we were watching confessions of a shopaholic. The film was crap so we needed some extra entertainment :)

4. Do you or your so own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?
No, but my ex had one so i have been on one. Only once or twice though, and i did wear a helmet.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?
Loads of times! Its essential in this heat.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?
Nopes




Coming out part 2

On Sunday night Moby played in Malta (and Deadmau5, for anyone who might know of him). Unmissable, obviously. I went with T and some of her friends, and spent most of the day at her house beforehand. We had a taxi coming at 8pm and planned to get steaming drunk before, so we opened a bottle of rose at 3.30pm before the others arrived. At about 7pm we opened a bottle of vodka and poured half of it into a plastic bottle and topped it up with orange juice. We met the taxi, piled in and continued drinking till we got there, and then on the way down, somehow the topic turned to J and my sexuality. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when i'm drunk.

T told me she'd guessed from facebook and twitter (emerging pattern! i always thought we were quite subtle on facebook!) and that she'd asked her dad and Sue who works with us what they thought (ohhh the awkwardness). She also said that my brother mentioned to her that i'd slept with J and that she was waiting for me to tell her myself. She then said that she got a bit offended that i took so long to tell her cos she is my best friend after all. To which i replied that i was really scared she'd act differently towards me and she said as if she would, i'm her best friend, her big sister and she loves me no matter what. Then the conversation got a bit weird.

T said she would never have imagined me to be gay and that she didn't think J looked like my type, from facebook. She thinks she looks too butch for me! Not that there's anything wrong with butch, but J isn't really butch at all, and in my drunken state i started squealing in her defense. T then went on another weird road, where she said she's worried about me being in a relationship with a girl cos she doesn't want me to hurt her. Fair enough. She said what if i'm not sure what if i'm not sure if i'm gay or not and decide that i'm not and then break her heart? I said we've been together for 8 months, if i had wanted cock it would've happened by now. She argued that i still fancy men (which i do) so how can i be sure? It was all rather strange, i wish it hadn't had happened when we were both fucked but at least it's done and she's acting exactly the same as before. I do worry that she won't like J though, which will kill me. She's added J on facebook though, so that's a plus.

J had said, before i'd told more of my friends, that she was worried that they wouldn't like me, but now that they know we're together she's even more worried. I told H this the other day and she said if i like her than they're bound to like her too. I love that girl. So we'll have to wait and see.

I can't wait to see her now. It's been almost three weeks and because she's never been in Malta with me, it also feels as if my relationship with her is just a dream, it almost doesn't feel real anymore. I really can. Not. Wait. Roll on July and Beni!

What a feeling

I love you more than I dare to tell you because i'm afraid that i love you more than you love me and more than i should. But i love you that much. And i know you love me too but i want you to love me and want me as much as i do you. I do not want you to want anybody else. Just me.

Wednesday Weirdness #60

1.) To you, what makes the perfect body the perfect body?
The person inside it. Awwww.. Lol but i have often met people with amazing bodies who are such twats that it overshadows their hottness. I find that the more i fall for someone, they become the most gorgeous person in the world to me, whether anyone else agrees or not.

2.) What part of your body do you obsess about the most?
Hmmm in what way? I love my face and my hair, so i try my best to take of them, but i'm not obsessive. Plus i try my best to take care of my whole body. I guess i obsess about my boobs a bit cos i can't stand them.

3.) What makes a house a warm, welcoming, comfortable home?
I hate houses that are overly tidy, or that are really modern or 'simple'. Some people like that but it just doesnt feel like a home. I like homes that are a little mismatchede, with big sofas that look comfortable, and little things everywhere, photos, little things that you would naturally gather throughout your life.

4.) What fabric feels sexiest against bare skin?
It's not fabric, but i love the feeling of hair on bare skin. Even though it can get in the way, i love the feeling of my hair and J's hair on my skin.

5.) What is the lamest lie you have heard in the last month?
Hmmm i don't think anyone's told me an obvious lie in the past month.

6.) What always makes you feel better when you're upset?
It depends who upsets me. Talking to J always cheers me up.

TMI Tuesday #192

1. Would you stay in a loveless relationship for the amazing sex?
Hmmm, maybe, for a little bit. But probably only because i wouldn't be brave enough to do the breaking.

2. If you could only have one, which would you choose: love that lasts forever or great, body numbing sex?
As much as i love sex, i'm going to have to say love that lasts forever. Too much sex without love (with the same person) can often make you feel like shit. Plus knowing me i'd fall for them and they wouldn't fall for me and i'd end up getting hurt.

3. Looking back at your past loves, which one should you have married/taken back and who should you have tossed earlier than you did?
There are none that i should have taken back, and one who i should have forgotten long before i actually did. We were on and off for about 4 years and in between he went out with one of my best mates, but i was still adamant that we'd get back together at some point. My love life would have been much better if it weren't for him. Grrr. (He's also now with another of my best friends, and they've been together for a couple of years now).

4. if you had one last fuck in you where, how and who would you “give it” to?
At the moment, it would be J. Apart from the fact that i'm completely in love with her, she's the best sex i've ever had. I'd much rather have my lst fuck with her than anyone else.

5. Which is more important sex, money, love and happiness? (and no, you can’t pick’em all)
Hmmm, this would be between love and happiness (even though sex is important obviously). I think i'd have to go with happiness, because you can often have love without having happiness can't you.

Can dreams come true?

I wanted to blog about this yesterday, but because it was father's day, i didn't have time to.

On Saturday night i dreamt that i came out to my mum. I don't know what triggered the dream, or what i dreamt before and after it. All i know is it was and incredibly realistic dream, so realistic that i woke up thinking it had actually happened. You know how sometimes you dream that you're at your own house, but it doesn't look anything like your house, but it still feels like your house? Or that you're talking to someone you know, but they look nothing like the person they actually are? This dream wasn't even like that.

Because it was a dream, i have no idea how the conversation started or how we got on to that topic. My mother was standing in the doorway to my room. It looked exactly like my room, it WAS my room. I could see the courtyard behind my mother with all the plants and washing and cats and dogs in, exactly like it is in real life. My mother looked exactly like herself. It was so unbelievably realistic.

Somehow we got on to the topic, and i looked at the floor and said i have a girlfriend. My mum said "i thought so" and hugged me and told me it's fine, she loves me no matter what. That's when i woke up, i think anyway. I woke up feeling relieved, so happy that i had finally done it and that she was ok with it. And then i remembered it was all a dream and got up to face the day, that would be full of "no i don't have a boyfriend"s to nosy (even if they mean well) relatives.

Do you think this dream was so realistic because maybe it's actually going to happen? I definitely hope so lol!

ARGH

I had a massive argument with my mum today. Not because of anything i did, or she did, or something one of us said to the other. It's because she argued with my dad, he went out, and i was the only other person in the house. She stood in the doorway to my room for an hour and a half and screamed at me for an hour and a half. I am not exaggerating. She started at 6pm and didn't stop till 7.30pm. I could go into loads of detail about it but i'm just glad it's over. I was meant to go out and she was going to take me and when i told her i'd rather not go out, she flipped again and said that i was trying to make her feel guilty bla bla. Ah well.

Picture This

Because i love photos.
I stole this idea from Julie.

A picture of you very drunk.

I had never been (and haven't been since then) that drunk. Half the night does not exist in my memory.

A picture of you on your birthday.

This is my birthday last year, because i don't have any photos on my birthday this year. My hair has grown lots since then, i had only cut it as a change after my ex split up with me. I didn't really like it at the time but now i think it looked cute!

A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera.


A picture of you truly being yourself.

I'm not exactly sure why i chose this, i was having loads of fun fooling around at the end of summer in the rain with my brother.

A picture of you being ridiculous (and drunk for that matter).

This makes me laugh out loud every single time i look at it.

A picture of you showing off a new haircut/color. (This was a hard one cos i haven't had more than a trim in over a year and i don't colour my hair.)


A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't.


A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldnt be more thankful that it is.
I think i can honestly say there is no particular time in my life where i wasn't happy. There are many individual occasions i wish had never happened, but luckily i have no photos of them.

A picture of you with someone you love.

You might recognise these two from the photo above. They're two of my friends who i came out to last night. H is on the far left.

A picture that describes how you'd like to spend every day.

Anywhere as long as she's there.

A picture that makes your heart hurt.
There is only one photo which makes my heart hurt. It's one of my mother, father, brother and me in Disney World. It's in a little disney frame and cos it's so old the only time i tried to take it out some of the photo got stuck to the glass on the front. So it just stays there.

A picture that makes your heart smile.
There are so many! But because J is the only thing that has been on my mind for the last 8 months, and definitely will be in the next few months..


A picture of one of the best nights of your life.


:)

Dutch courage

Last night was a great night. I couldn't get the shisha bong to work but apart from that it was an evening of splendor! We were on a beach drinking and talking about shit AND i got the courage to tell my friends about J! I'm so happy i did, at long last! I feel so relieved, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If the alcohol hadn't been involved, i definitely wouldn't have had the courage to come out, but now that i have i'm so happy that i did!

There were six of us, and i'm not sure how it came about, but the other three (two of whom already knew about J) went to the toilet, leaving me with H (who's one of my oldest friends, she is also mother of Baby Boy) and N (who's a relatively new friend but she's one of us now). So, as i usually do when i have something big to say, i told H i wanted to tell her something but i couldn't. She pressed and asked "why can't you? why can't you?" so i asked her to guess. Sure enough, without hesitation, she said "you're a lesbian." I mumbled a sound that was meant to signify that i'm not sure, then i said "you know jodie? she's my girlfriend. we've been together for 8 months." She jumped up and came over to hug me and said "i knew it. i knew it" over and over and then she started crying, and is tarted crying, and we were one big hysterical mess. Apparently she'd guessed, just from the posts J left on my wall on facebook. Ah well i'm just glad she knows. Once the other three came back i told A, and then the conversation moved on to the sex! So it went really well, i'm really happy now :). I'm a little bit nervous about when she comes now though, i really want them to like her!

This photo from last night made me laugh out loud.

I'm inside my trousers!

Hope you Thursday's going ok!

Cheering up & Wednesday Weirdness #59

I'm currently sat at the waterpolo club where i've spent every summer practically since i was born. The sky is perfect blue, the temperature's in the 30s (Celsius, don't ask me bout farenheit lol!) and the sea is just a couple of feet away from me. I'm happy now! I spent the early afternoon at the beach with three of my best friends, i've topped up my tan and i'm drinking an (unfortunately warm) iced tea. Bliss! All that's missing is J! But anyway, i'm happy again.

Yesterday there was a powercut across the whole island. And we didn't have any water either. So my mum and i spent the day doing fuck all, playing with kittens and doing crosswords. You never realise how much you rely on certain things until they're taken away from you. Luckily the electricity came back in the evening, and i have my wonderful laptop back! Yay! And it's been completely cleaned so it's running like a brand new one would be. The battery's lasting longer than 30 minutes and it takes about 5 seconds to load things for me. I'm so happy to have it back, i've apologised to it for even considering buying a new one to replace it. I love you Laptop and always will!

Tonight my friends and i are going to drink on the beach, we're having an Arabian themed night. I have a shisha bong too and i haven't used it yet this summer so i'm dead excited!

Anyway, on to Wednesday Weirdness..

1.) Do you/Did you ever have a piggy bank shaped like a pig? What do you keep your spare change in?
Yes i did. I still do but i don't use it. I usually leave my spare change running around, or in an empty glasses case, or in my little shot glass. Anywhere!

2.) Be honest. Have you ever stolen anything before?
Yes. My brother and i stole chewing gum once and our mum made us give it back. And other things.

3.) Would it be more awkward to be walked in on during sex by your parents or your children?
I don't have children, so i'll say my parents.

4.) How comfortable would you be at a nude beach? Would you keep your clothes on, keep it modest or bare it all?
I wouldn't bare all. And i'd only go topless if i was with friends or my partner and if there were people who looked like they were only there to perv then i wouldn't.

5.) Where is a place that seems fun and sexy to get it on at but in reality probably wouldn't work out very well?
The sea/a pool/any form of water. I haven't had full sex in the sea but i did fool around and it was a bit uncomfortable and i didn't feel very much. Snogging in the sea is ace though.

6.) Do you have sex less in the summer because of the hot temperatures?
Erm, no! That's what fans and ACs are for! It makes the atmosphere even more heated. The only thing i don't like is men get even sweatier in the heat, my ex used to drip all over me, it wasn't sexy. Lucky i have a girlfriend now who doesn't sweat so much!

7.) Have you ever had a dream that was in black and white?
I don't think so.

Bonus: When you have a naughty dream, most often is it usually your partner in the dream with you or someone else?
With J they're mostly about her. It depends on what happened before. If i don't see J for a while, the sex dreams usually involve her. But if i'd just spent loads of time with her it could involve someone else.

Happy Wednesday!

Social Awareness

Isn't it strange how once you become aware of something, it seems to be all around you? Our friends are Derby are organising a Drag Kings float. Now i'm watching the episode of Sex and the City that centres around mixed genders. There's an artist who photographs drag kings and uses Charlotte as one of his models, and being dressed as a man she is more uninhibited than she usually is. At the same time Carrie is dating a younger bisexual guy and she feels weird about it. A few nights ago i watched one of the episodes where Samantha has a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because i seem more aware of it now, or if it's just weird that everywhere i look there seem to be lesbians or bisexuals. Or maybe it's because people are becoming more accepting of it now. Who knows.

I'm finally starting to enjoy being back home. My mum and my brother aren't talking which is a bit weird and they don't seem too bothered about it, but my dad is really stressing about it. And obviously whenever im alone with my dad he complains about my mum and vice versa. They always seem to be arguing when i'm here and my dad told me today that they don't usually argue so much and it only seems to be when im home that they argue. Thanks dad! I know he didn't mean it that way but that's the way it came out. I'm enjoying the heat though, and finally getting some colour, yay! I really do miss J though, and the sex lol.

Emotional explosions

I feel like i want to burst but i can't because i'm scared of the consquences. I want to tell my parents and a couple of my closest, best friends (even they still don't know) about J but I still don't have the courage. I read on someone's blog yesterday (i can't remember whose it was, tell me if it was yours!) that someone had once told them that once you get the courage to come out to your parents it means you've truly come to terms with your sexuality. Now i don't know is that's why i can't bring myself to tell them about J, but i don't really think it is.

In England, i have no problem telling people i have a girlfriend. I told most of my friends there straight away, and the others when we had made it official. I have no problem telling strangers that i have a girlfriend, in fact i'm very proud of that fact. However, if people ask me if i'm gay i still stare at them with a blank expression and wonder 'what' i am. Am i gay or bi? Does it really make that much difference? Somehow, to me, i think it does. Even though when people ask me that my answer is usually "i don't want to put any labels on it." Or something along those cheesy, lame lines. It seems like having a girlfriend is one thing, but being gay is another. Fuck knows i'm probably talking shit.

All i know is i feel like i was kind of thrown into this. Willing, of course, but with no experience and no expectations. I had never considered myself bi, always straight, and within a month of meeting J we were together. So even though i've fallen completely in love with her, i haven't really had the time to come to terms with it on my own, if you know what i mean. At the moment i don't really know what i identify myself as, i'm just in love with an amazing person.

I don't know. The reason i'm thinking about this know is because i want to talk about J constantly like a normal girl my age, or anyone really, would want. I want to wear the dress she gave me tonight and tell my mum that she got it for me without her thinking, "fuck how much money did this girl spend on her??" She knows J's gay, so i don't want her to think she's some crazy lesbian stalker, buying me things and taking me places. I want her to know cos i know my mum would appreciate how good she is to me.

I'm not feeling so sad anymore, i've ben back a couple of days and i've spent them sitting on the sofa or at my mum's desk, which is exactly what i wanted. I spoke to J a bit but my credit's finished now plus she's working loads at the moment to have money for Spain and for when she comes here. Plus i'm going to see my friends tonight and my laptop should be fixed, and completely wiped of all the crap (so it's practically going to be a new laptop), by Monday. Yay!

Happy Weekend everyone!

Sunbathing and Alton Towers photos

Here are some photos from the two sunny days in Derby (we seem to get two scorching days every year and if you don't make the most of them, you've fucked it) and our day at Alton Towers. Apart from the rides, my favourite thing was the aquarium. I tried to take photos but without the flash on most of them came all fuzzy.

J and me in the park


I got to the top of the spider web..


..she didn't!


There was a blowfish in the tank next to her (see what i mean about fuzziness..)


I think we were in the queue for the log flume here..


And here.



There are some other photos that i want to put up but they're a bit more, erm, intimate i guess lol, and since my laptop is still out of action i'm using my mum's. So they're going to have to wait till my laptop's fixed, which hopefully will be soon cos i miss the stupid thing.

Home is where the heart is.

I'm back home! I'm one year older than i was when i was here last time. And i'm a litle bit sad. But i'll not go into it cos i can imagine how bored you're all getting of my missing J stuff..

Well i got another result back and i got a B+! I'm very happy with that, even though with one more mark it would have been A- and that would have looked even better but anyway. Hopefully if i get between a C+ and B+ on my other two modules then my 2:1 isn't looking so impossible after all!

So that has cheered me up a bit. I'm still petrified about third year though. I emailed the lecturer who's supervising my IS (its Independent Studies, that's dissertation or thesis or whatever you want to call it) because i was meant to get her to physically sign my sign up sheet and then take it to the lecturer who supervises the IS module, but i'm home now and won't be back till September, so that's fucked it hasn't it lol. And i have to get an enhanced CRB which she said could take months to get done. Just brilliant.

Anyway, we had quite a nice last day together yesterday (see i couldn't keep off the subject for long lol). In the morning we carted all my crap from my house to J's friend's house, which took us more than 3 hours, and my shoulders and back are really suffering cos of it now. Once we'd finally got that done we showered and went to meet a couple of friends from work for coffee, where we decided to have cocktails instead to reward ourselves after the long morning. Then we went shopping a bit, well J went shopping. Then we went back to her friends house and waited till it was time for me to leave.

And now i'm here and it's boiling, it's so hot. I'm not used to this heat anymore. Last year i came home in May, so it was still not this hot and got weened into the heat. This year i was just thrown into it. And the heat here is a really damp, humid one, so when it's really hot it feels really stuffy. Anyway, i'm just going to look forward to Beni and for J to come.

Happy summer everyone! Sorry for my depresing tones lol.

emotional polarity

I'm happy, but not happy at the same time. J took me to Alton Towers for my birthday on Monday, and it was incredible! I absolutely loved it, it was the best birthday present ever! We had such an amazing day, just the two of us with nothing to worry about.

However, as always, an amazing day can't just remain an amazing day can it? Just before we left i went to get my camera out of my back and it was soaked. I had a can of Relentless (which is like Red Bull) in my bag and somehow it had burst and my camera (which i bought over christmas) and my phone (which i got only back in March) were completely soaked. We took the batteries and cards and stuff out and dried them and when we got back to hers i tried to switch them on but they stayed off. Luckily my phone seems to be working again now, but the camera isn't and my laptop's still fucked. Buuttt anyway.

Yesterday J planned a little surprise party for me at K's flat :). They made some epic mexican food. Nachos to start with and then burritos and stuffed peppers. On top of the party and Alton Towers, she also bought me a dress for my birthday, i really can't believe how much she's done for over the past couple of days. The only person who's ever made such a fuss over me on my brithday is my mum! Lol.
The reason i'm feeling a little bit sad is because i'm going home tomorrow. I hated being away from her for a week in Aberdeen let alone not seeing her for a month. Plus i didn't do as well on one of my essays as i thought i would, and i'm a bit upset about it. Luckily we had a presentation to do to and that took my grade up to a C+ but now it's making me worry about all my other grades. Plus i'm in one of those "i can't see the point" moods. I'm looking forward to going home only to see my parents, i really just want to spend the first couple of weeks at home but i don't think my friends would like it. Also i'm not looking forward to having noone know that J and I are together. I've told everyone what she's done for me for my birthday but it's not the same, i really want them to know how amazing she is but i still don't have the guts to tell them. Then i have to start work and even though i enjoy it, work is still work. Then i have to worry about preparing for my final uni year next year, which i am dreading. If i don't get a 2:1 at least i really think my mum will kill me. Then i have to worry about what i want to do after uni cos that's only a year away, and if i want to continue studying i have to apply in October.
Eugh, plus to top it all off i've got my period. Greeaaat. And i'm worried i'm gonna have to pay overwight on my luggage.

I hope everyone else is a little bit more cheerful than i am! I have to go and finish packing all my crap and wait for J to finish work. The one good thing about going home is hopefully i can start blogging regularly again and keeping up with everyone else! Happy Wednesday, and Happy B'day to me lol :)

Wednesday Weirdness #58

1.) If you had to either shop for your groceries in your underwear only (bra&panties or boxers/briefs/whatever) or run streaking through the mall totally naked for no less than 4 minutes, which will you pick?
Probably shop in my underwear, i run around in my bikini in the summer so i don't think it would be much difference. As long as the underwear isn't transparent lol.


2.) You're having dinner at the inlaws (your boyfriend/girlfriend's parents if not married) and the food is so awful you would rather eat the table cloth. Your mother in law (bf/gf mother) calls you out and asks if there is anything wrong with the food. You can't say you're "just not that hungry" because you had earlier claimed to be "starving" so now, how do you respond to her?
I would eat it anyway!


3.) In the middle of foreplay, your partner asks if you want to try something new. You ask what it is. They want to stick some kind of frozen fruit or vegetable up your anus. How open to trying this are you?
Luckily it doesn't sound like something my partener would want to stick up my arse. If she did though, i'd have to politely decline.


4.) Would you rather have to walk 30 feet over burning hot coals or walk 70 feet over broken shards of glass? Why?
Oh god. Erm, the hot coals, cos i could run, if you walked oon bropken glass it would stick and ouch. I've stepped on broken glass and even one shard isn't pleasant, let alone 70 feet of it.


5.) Would you rather have to have sex with your partner with a room full of your former highschool classmates watching or have sex with your partener in a room full with a mix of each of your former exes watching?
Definitely the exes, mainly cos all my exes are men and sex with J is much better than it was with any of them, so i'd want to show them how shit they were cos none of them made me moan and scream the way she does! Think it would be a bit obvious from their eyes that i'm enjoying it much more with her than i did with them.

Today i am frustrated

WARNING: This is going to be a very long post lol.

Something's wrong with my laptop. Its got itself stuck in a loop so everytime i switch it on it restarts itself over and over again, continuously. So i got back from Aberdeen on Saturday afternoon, and after spending 7 hours on the train watching films on it, lovely laptop decides not to work. I took into to uni monday morning for the geeky computer people to have a look at it but they couldn't figure it out. I now have to go to PC world, but i don't kow where it is so J's going to take me tomorrow. I'm now at uni using one of the uni computers cos i was getting facebook and blogger withdrawal symptoms.

Sooo Aberdeen didn't go as well as i thought. I think i was overly confident and overly optimistic. I really enjoyed spending time with my aunt and uncle, but i didn't tell her. Or him for that matter but i didn't intend to anyway. When i arrived i thought "no problem, i'll just get some time alone with her voila, it'll all come out." But i didn't really get much time alone with her cos my unvle was on holiday too, if it was just me there i'd have had plenty of opportunity.

She did almost figure it out for herself, but i don't think she'd believe that i have a girlfriend if i didn't tell her upfront. Basically we were in a pub somewhere in the Scottish highlands on Tuesday and J and i had been texting each other since i left Derby practically, mainly dirty texts, all we talked about was sex lol, with the occassional 'i love you so much' chucked in. So J sent me a text along the lines off "i want to fuck the arse off you when i get to Malta." Now my phone won't close the actual message if you don't press the back button all the way to the homescreen, it will keep it open while you do other things and if you click on the messages application it will open the message straight away. So Lal (aunt) picked up my phone and clicked on messages and there was J's message free for her to read. I snatched the phone out of her hand and she started questioning me about who i was texting. I kept insisting that it was J but she wouldn't believe me. I showed her my inbox full of texts from noone but J and she still wouldn't believe me! So i never plucked up the courage after that to tell her.

Apart from that Scotland was great. I saw loads of animals, and i absolutely love animals. I saw cows, highland cows (which are like normal cows but with long fur and horns), loads of sheep, grouse, donkeys, goats, seagulls, alpakas, rabbits, ponies, swans and probably some others. We saw loads of castles, went to museums, climbed a mountain and followed the whiskey trail. We went to a couple of distilleries, the most famous of which is the Glenfiddich distillery. I'm not a big whiskey drinker but from working on bars and in restaurants i know some things about whiskeys, plus we got some free whiskey in the process too!

Since i've been back things have been great, J's parents were still away oon Saturday night so as soon as i got home on Saturday afternoon i had a shower and went to hers. We spent the afternoon in bed having sex and eating, my two favourite things in the whole world done in my favourite thing, bed. Lol, all in all a perfect evening for me. Luckily the weather was really good, till today as it's back to grey and cold. At least we had Monday and Tuesday when it was really really hot, like proper hot, and we went to the park and sunbathed, and yesterday we took a bbq and spent the day there.

I have mnore things to say but this post is going to be too long and i have a short attention span!

I hope everyone had a good week and a half, i'm going to try and catch up on everyone's posts while i have some internet!

Also, its my birthday in 8 days! Yay! :)

Coming out week

Today i'm going to Aberdeen to visit my aunt and her boyfriend, and my uncle's coming from Malta too. My aunt, Lal, is only 9 years older than me, she's the youngest of my mum's four other siblings and is closer in age to me than any of them. Because of this she's more like my sister than my aunt. We grew up together and were always treated the same by my grandparents and during one of the many spells when my parents split up, we shared a room together. She still calls her room at my grandparents' house 'our' room.

I usually tell her everything, but like most of my family she doesn't know about J yet, so i am determined to tell her this week. She's only going to be in Malta for 2 weeks over the summer, and that's in June, so she won't get to meet J. I really want to tell her this week. Really, really, really want to. Apart from anything else it's going to be really strange moving back home for a few months with people not knowing i have a girlfriend. Mainly because she just makes me so happy and i want people to know that i'm the happiest i've ever been and it's all thanks to her.


Anyway, i have a 7 and a half hour train to look forward to, and i've been really paranoid that i'm going to miss it. Last night i dreamt that i missed it, and then i dreamt that J and i had to me somewhere and we missed whatever it was that was meant to take us there. So yeah i'm a bit paranoid. Mainly cos it will cost me £85 to get there if i miss this train.

Hope you all have a good week! :)

Wednesday Weirdness #56

1. If your boss says, "I would like to talk to you about your internet usage" what would your first reaction be?
You must be mistaken, unless you are spying on me in my own home in which case i would like to talk to you about your stalkerish nature.

2. If you SO asks you "Does this make me look fat?" how do you answer?
Honestly, but not in a bitchy way. Maybe suggest something i think she looks hot in. Or just say i don't particular like it on her.

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent having to do so?
TV License maybe? Fine i watch BBC but all the other channels have almost as many ads as they do actual tv shows.

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it?
By spending the day doing EXACTLY what you want to do with the people you want to be with the most. Be it swimming, drinking, sleeping, watching tv, reading, skydiving, dancing, anything. Just because i think most people don't get to spend enough time doing things they love, or enough time with the people they love.

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy, but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it?
It's gonna have to be Westlife.

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor?
We lived for a few years without electricity when i was younger, so i'd like to think i'd get very far.

Wednesday Weirdness

Posted 12 minutes early lol

TMI #187

1. Have you ever participated in HNT? If so, when? If not, why not?
I've always wanted to, but never had cos i've just never taken a picture i like.

2. Have you ever avoided certain sites because of the HNT pictures that were posted?
Nooo

3. Have you ever posted a HNT picture that you wish that you hadn't?
I never have

4. Do you email/text/call anyone regularly with someone you met through HNT?
Nope

5. What percentage of your online friends are current or former HNTers?
There are a few, i don't know exactly how many though.

6. Does anyone in your "real" life know that you do HNT (if, of course, you do)?
Hmm i don't know actually!

7. Other than previously-known friends, have you met any fellow HNTers?
Nope

8. Have you ever downloaded someone else's HNT pictures?
No

BONUS QUESTION: Have you ever submitted a picture for "...the Other HNT"?
Yes, only once a few weeks ago. (30th April if anyone would like to take a guess)

Discrimination or just plain ignorance?

J had a doctors appointment this morning and she came back a little bit annoyed. She's been meaning to go for a few weeks and today she finally went. She went in and told the doctor (a woman doctor, if that makes any difference) what was wrong. Here's the main gist of the conversation:

Doctor: Are you on the pill?

J: No

Doctor: Are you using any contraception of any kind?

J: No..

Doctor: Are you trying to conceive?

J: No, I'm gay.

[Confused/bemused look from the doctor]

J: And my girlfriend doesn't have long nails.

Doctor: So what kind of sex do you actually have? (WTF?)

J: Sorry??

Doctor: Manual sex?

J: Err, fingers..

[Conversation continues fairly normally]

Doctor: Have you ever actually had heterosexual sex?

J: Err, yes..


Now, i don't know if this doctor is just extremely ignorant, or if she was being discriminative. J was quite pissed off and she's even considering putting in a complaint. Derby's a very gay friendly community and i don't think she's ever experienced any form of discrimination, at least nothing she ever mentions. I've never experienced anything of the sort, but i'm sure i will when i come out back home.

On a lighter note, J's parents have gone away for a couple of weeks, so we have her house almost to ourselves (her brother's there). It wouldn't really matter, it's just that she has a double bed and i have a single bed, and a proper house with a living room and proper kitchen, which i miss so much living in halls. I'm going to make us lasagna sometime this week cos all my pots and pans are crap and her mum has real ones. Yay :)

Hope you all had a good Monday, i have to study for my exam tomorrow morning, not so yay.

Googles thoughts on me

A little meme thing I stole off facebook because, as usual, i am procrastinating.

Q. Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] asks" in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] likes " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] eats " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] wears " in Google search.
Q: Type in "[your name] was arrested for" in Google Search.
Q: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google Search.

write the most amusing results not the first one that came up... enjoy.

A: Sophie needs to study. (HA!)
A: Sophie looks like Alice?!
A: Sophie says 'All you need is love'
A: Sophie wants a bone. (LOL - there were a lot of funny ones for this)
A: Sophie does downward dog.
A: Sophie hates THE WELSH. (and that is somewhat true!)
A: Sophie asks: What is Positive Psychology?
A: Sophie likes cake. A lot. (that's exactly how it is on google lol)
A: Sophie eats weed stems.
A: Sophie wears her crown napkin ring.
A: Sophie was arrested after showdown with ex..
A: Sophie loves to hula at the luau.

More good boobie news!

My doctor rang me on Thursday to tell me she'd got me a surgeon referral. Yay! I have to pick it up from the surgery reception and ring the surgeon and make an appointment and he'll take all my body measurements etc. I'm so frickin excited now!! xD

I have an exam on Tuesday, which i am NOT prepared for and i can't be bothered to study (as usual). Next Saturday i'm going to Aberdeen to stay with my aunt for a week, we'll call her Lal :). My uncle, M, is coming up from Malta too so it's going to be a mini family reunion outside the country. I'm really excited, i went to Aberdeen for a couple of days last year and it's an amazing city. It's full of old buildings made of granite (i think..) and old streets, hilly streets lol, with small traditional pubs hidden in back alleys. So yeah i'm excited about that..

I'm kind of looking forward to going home. Well, i am obviously. Good food, good friends, and good family. But I won't see J for more than a month, probably almost 2 months. She's going to Beni in July too, but there are going to be thousands of people there so chances of us finding each other are quite slim. But anywaysssss. We have a few weeks left before i leave. Plus there are too many things to be excited about for me to be sad about anything :D.

Should i be flattered?

I haven't posted a proper post in a while, mainly cos i haven't had much to post about. J and i had an alcohol-fueled argument (she was drunk, i just had a headache) on Saturday night, and i was going to post about it, but she apologised first thing Sunday morning. It wasn't just alcohol, but anyway, i won't go into it cos luckily it happens very rarely.

Apart from that, everything's been good. We were both at work yesterday, except she finished at 9pm and i was on till close. While she was changing out of her uniform i was clearing a table and i was walking down through the bar a guy stopped me and asked me "are you from Malta?" which really confused me, cos nobody ever recognises my surname cos it's 'foreign' to them. So i said yes, i am, and he said he recognised me because he'd been in the restaurant before. After a couple of minutes i remembered him too, and he had been really flirty with me the first time he came in. Anyway, he started asking me about work and what time i'm on till and then he asked me when i'm not working. I said i don't usually work during the week, just on weekends, to which he replied, can i take for a drink some day? I told him sorry, i have a girlfriend, and the look on his face was priceless! He stared at me for a second then looked away and said "i need to think about that one for a second." Ok.. to steer the conversation away from me i asked them if they wanted anything else and his friend replied "are you on the menu?" and then burst out laughing! I said no, sorry.. Made some more conversation and then walked away and avoided them till they left. The cheek!

J stayed over last night and had to be at work at 9.30am, and when i woke up a couple of hours later and went to check my morning appearance in the mirror, i found this:



She's so cute! She calls me pupface from the word pupa which means 'little doll' in Maltese and Italian. I used to call her pupa at the beginning of our relationship, and now she calls me pupa. :)
I have to admit that after the initial "awww she's so amazing" thoughts, i began to wonder how am i going to get that off my mirror without smudging black everywhere? Lol, i haven't tried to remove it yet though cos i love it :).

Wednesday Weirdness #55

1.) What are your least favorite sounds?
Nails scratching against chalk, faint beeping sounds, very loud sounds.

2.) Do you enjoy reading infidelity blogs? Why? If you don't, is there any reason why you don't?
I never have.

3.) If you could make one frivolous purchase right now without expense being an option, what one thing would you go buy?
My own plane plus pilot so i wouldn't have to worry about taking all my things home over the summer and being overweight and having to pay £15 per kilo.

4.) Have you ever gotten drunk and then gotten behind the wheel to drive?
Nope i don't drive

5.) As an adult, have you ever been caught having sex by someone you didn't ever want to catch you in the act?
No, not yet anyway thank god!

6.) If your current significant other wound up in jail for no less than 5 years but didn't kill or physically harm anyone, would you wait for them or move on?
I'd probably wait. Depends on why she'd wound up in jail.

7.) If you had to participate, would you rather be in a mud wrestling competition or a JellO wrestling competition?
JellO!


Wednesday Weirdness

TMI Tuesday #186

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?
Impatience, and selfishness sometimes.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?
Her humour and her caring nature.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?
My mum just sat me down and said "if you're going to do anything, make sure you tell me before you do and i'll help you prepare yourself." I can't remember the proper first talk about where babies come from though.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?
Books i used to read or books that were read to me? Noddy was always a favourite bedtime story, and when i was younger i must have read A Little Princess once a week for ages.

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?
I don't read any particular one.. i don't read very much erotic lit in fact.

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?
Don't accept anything less than the best.

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?
Oh, erm.. Something to do with living on an island and then moving away..

It's almost over

I handed in my essay on time, yay! I have one exam left, on the 19th, then my summer officially starts :) Yay xD

Today, like all other days

I am procrastinating. Except the essay is due in tomorrow and i haven't even done the reading for it yet. *Blush*

Anyway, i am too excited about the prospect of not actually having any work to do. J and I were meant to be going to Birmingham this weekend but we can't afford it, but at least we have the weekend off to spend some time together. We spend a lot of time together, but it's usually at work or at home after work. Even though i love it when she stays over, even if it is just a sleepover, then we go off to work during the day and meet up again in the evening. She's at work till 1am now then she's coming here after.

I think night times and mornings are my favourite parts of the day with her. This morning i woke up and turned over to face her, i put my arm around her and she opened her eyes, looked at me and a massive smile spread across her face.
Last night we got into bed and she cuddled up against me, with her face nestled in my neck and her arm tightly around me and she fell asleep while i was watching tv. She looked so gorgeous, i wish i'd my camera handy so i could show you all how lovely she looked.

Anyway, enough with the soppy stuff. Here's a meme I nicked off Jess I am. You're meant to tag people and stuff, but i'm only doing it to avoid my work some more!

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. Going to sleep with J.

2. Waking up next to J

3. Finishing this essay

4. Possibly having a breast reduction!

5. Summer - the Maltese sun mainly

6. Benicassim Music Festival 2009.

7. J coming to Malta

8. Going to Aberdeen

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Watched Chelsea being cheated out of the Champion's League Final :(

2. Had a giggle with J.

3. Wasted a lot of time

4. Went to the library at uni.

5. Considered getting a hamster

6. Drank a pint of beer

7. Ate a plate of chips and cheese

8. Avoided responsibilities (essay, laundry, dishes, shower, vacuuming etc.)

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Sing

2. Dance

3. Travel the world

4. Will my boobs smaller/back to bigger depending on my mood

5. Play the piano

6. Come out to my family and the rest of my friends

7. Finish this essay

8. Get a job that pays loads after i graduate

8 Shows I Watch:

Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Eastenders, The Hills, ANTM, QI, Big Bang Theory, Hollyoaks.


Voila.

Wednesday Weirdness #54

1.) Name 3 people in history whom you would invite to a dinner party?
Marilyn Monroe, Jesus and Anne Frank.

2.) Are there any conspiracy theories that you believe could be true?
Nooooo not really

3.) What's a weapon that you feel suits your personality?
My sarcasm, it can often stop me getting into arguments because i say how i feel and they blame it on my humour!

4.) If you had to let someone off of a cooking show prepare a meal for you and your family, who would you pick and why?
Gordon Ramsey definitely. Number 1, he seems to be a pretty damn good chef. No 2., he's hot.

5.) What brand of sliced sandwich bread do you buy most often?
Warburtons

6.) How often do you try new things in bed?
We try new things quite often, but we usually end up in the same position anyway lol no matter how we start off.


In other news..
I finished my analysis at 5am last night. It was really easy in the end and if i had just started it and if i wasn't so easily distracted i would have been able to finish it much earlier. But anywaysss.

Also, i have work at 6pm tonight but i rang in sick so i can go and watch the football. Muahahahaha. Serves the bastards right for cutting down my hours. I can do it cos they are MY hours, they can't.

Boobs

One more thing, when i was wasting precious time yesterday i decided to google breast reduction, for probably the 150th time in my lifetime (i have been very excited since my visit to the doctor, even though nothing has been said since then) and i stumbled across this video. I sometimes feel sorry for myself because of the abnormal size of my boobs, but geez, i can't imagine what it would be like to be in this woman's skin. Luckily because i'm still young my boobs are probably as perky as they can be for their size and weight, but this video shows just how age and gravity work together against our lovely breasts. If i needed any more encouragement, this video certainly helped.

Anger, frustration, determination

It's 2.44am and i'm finally managing to get some work done. Hopefully i'll finish this before the morning so i can just touch touch it up tomorrow then have 2 days to work on my other assignment. Then Friday it'll finally be over, bar one exam.
I thought i'd give you a taster, sorry if it bores you lol but then you can imagine what i'm going through haha.

Analysis
Theme 1: Negative emotions
Throughout the text, Michael J. Fox seems to be expressing a great deal of frustration and anger, which seems to mainly be aimed towards the media and the government. On top of those two main emotions he also gave off a sense of annoyance and resentment.

Frustration
In every reading of the transcript, the main emotion coming through the text is that of frustration. Michael J. Fox begins by discussing his frustration when in 2000 he wrote a letter to then-Governor Bush. His frustration is clearly apparent when he explains that the President did not help with the stem cell research.

“..with one veto of his presidency chose to veto that, it really stung in the hearts of a lot of people counting on this.” (1: 11-12)

On top of that, he also appears to be frustrated with his medication and the effect they have on him. He admits that the symptoms can be hard to take.

“I go through a million cycles.. Sometimes it kicks in too hard and then you get what you call dyskinesia, which is that rocking motion.” (1:16-19)

The frustration seems to stem from the fact that medicine is unpredictable and he can never tell how bad the symptoms are going to be or when they are going to set in.

“It works with horrible side effects… But on any given day, I can’t design where I’m going to be at any given time. You just take the meds and hope for the best.” (1: 25-28)


I've written 500 words, which means 1000 to go. Yippeeeeeeeeeeee

Nothing will suffice

I have two assignments due in on Friday, and i've barely started either of them. I can't focus at all. You may have noticed, if you've read some of my posts, that i get bored really easily, i have a very short attention span and i am an expert procrastinator. Last minute work is my specialty. I have to analyse a transcript between Michael J Fox and Katie Couric from CBS for one of them, and i can't find anything in the text except frustration, frustration, frustration. He may not even be frustrated, but i really do not have the head for this.

The interview is hereif anyone would like to have a gander.

I really wish J could come over and we could get into bed, cuddle and watch crap tv together!

TMI Tuesday

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it?
Nope, free porn all the way

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why?
Depends what i'm in the mood for. If it's just porn for porn's sake, i'd watch something. But if i just want something to make me feel good, i'd probably do some reading.

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood?
If we're not around each other, we send quite a lot of naughty texts, telling each other what we want to do to the other, and then we end up all over each other when we do meet. If we are together then it usually involves a lot kissing and hands everywhere.

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex?
I feel quite comfortable talking about sex. Especially to other people who are open about it. If someone doesn't appear comfortable talking about sex then i won;t want to talk to them about it.

5. What are the last 5 things you searched for on Google (or another search engine)?
Errr i have no idea..

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of?
No, no that i can remember.

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight

I don't know if i actually like the song, but the lyrics are just too sweet.

The complicated nature of homesickness

When i was on my break at work yesterday, my mum rang me. My brother turned 18 last week and he went away for a couple of days with his friends so yesterday my mum had a small thing for him and just his close friends at home. Basically after she range me i started to feel really homesick. I really just wanted to have a little cry but i was at work so i couldnt. I finished work at 9pm so A and i went for a drink and then i went to meet J cos she was out with her mates. I was already a bit tipsy and we went to her mate's house and they opened some wine. Everyone left except me and J's best friend (the one i've mentioned in the last couple of posts). She and i have become quite close because she spends loads of time with J and so do i obviously. So somehow we started talking about family and our past and stuff while drinking loads of wine. After a long heart to heart we went to meet the others and i bought a couple more beers, i was rather drunk by this point.

I was really having fun and then all of a sudden i started feeling homesick. It was probably there but aggravated by the alcohol. So i went up to J and said i want to go home, i'm feeling homesick and she said ok she'd come with me, but she was pissed too, more than i was i think. As soon as we left i started crying and i did not stop all fucking night. I am such a twat. When we were walking back we bumped into this guy who's girlfriend slept with J at some point. He was obviously drunk too and he kept chanting "she slept with my girlfriend, she slept with my girlfriend" while his friends tried to hold him up and just laughed in the background. J got really agitated and ended up punching him and i was bawling my fucking eyes out. I was quite surprised none of them turned on her when she punched him so we just walked off while he was still chanting in the background.

When we got back i kept crying and we argued a bit cos i kept saying she doesn't understand what it's like for me and she doesn't know what it's like to feel homesick. In the ended we had a kiss and cuddle and got over it and went to sleep, but now i'm feeling rather hangover. And its past 5 in the afternoon. It was a very strange night, no wonder i haven't been drunk for almost 3 months, i always bloody well end up crying.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, we might not go to birmingham cos we can't afford it but we still have the weekend off to spend together, so fingers crossed it'll be a nice weekend!

It really was one of those days

Noone tipped me at work today. I'm not happy. I usually get about £20, sometimes i even get £40, but it's just been ridiculous lately. One woman got up and told my tips were on the table, and i went to the table and there was nothing there! How horrible is that! She must've been taking the piss! Twat.

Also, in my post on Friday i mentioned that J and i spent the night at her friend's house. Well her friend didn't know, and she asked me about it today and i said yeah we did, and she's not so mad, but i feel so bad. I don't want anything to happen between J and her cos they're best friends and it would be horrible if they fell out cos of this. I feel so so bad.

Lizzy the Lezzy quiz

Take the Lizzy the Lezzy Muff Muncher Quiz!





Lol!

Today

..is one of those days. I'm not very happy, cos i was meant to be in work from 12.30 till 10.30, so i went at 12.30 and i couldn't clock in. So i found a manager and asked wtf can't i clock in, it says i'm on at 12.30 and i'm here. So apparently they'd taken me off the rota and put me on 6 till 10 instead cos it was dead. They'd rung me in the morning, but i was asleep, and i had no credit to ring them back. But god, if i don't tell them it's ok they have no right to just cancel a ten hour shift for me. It wasn't even a fucking measly short shift, it was a long one and i need the money. I said this to one of the managers and he said "oh i can't afford to have people on", which is fair enough, but why give people shifts when you don't intend to keep them on?? I'm so pissed off, if i didn't need the money i wouldn't go in later but i need the money.

For fuck's sake. I hate working there, i can't wait to graduate and get a proper job. I have a nine hour shift tomorrow, i bet they'll try and send me home early.


On a lighter note, actually there isn't anything light i can think of. I woke up with J next to me which is always good but she had to be in at 9.30am so that was short-lived too. Fuckers.

I am so so tempted to not go in later but i have to. Eugh.

Actually there is one thing i wanted to show everyone today. It's Lizzy the Lezzy. She's a little animated lesbian and she has a youtube show, and she's rather hilarious. She cheered me up a bit.

The relief

Oh my god, i almost had a premature heart attack yesterday. After spending a week writing this stupid essay on schizophrenia, i thought i'd lost it. Luckily i'd just saved it in the wrong folder, but my god. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought i was going to have to stay up all night and rewrite the fucking thing cos it was due in today. Luckily i found it, so i took J out for dinner to celebrate and we spent the night at her friend's house, in a double bed! Ahh the luxury!

I still feel so completely happy with her, being with her just makes me excited about everything and anything. Next weekend we're going to Birmingham for our friend's birthday and i can't wait :). Unfortunately i have a research proposal and an interview analysis in for Friday, so i have to get those done before i can think about Birmingham. Boo

If anyone would like to read my essay, i'm rather happy with it, they can do by clicking here. It's about antipsychotic drugs and schizophrenia.

I have to have a shower and go to work. Yay.